Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Wanted: Neighborhood Pounding Partner

At my former residence, the Party Zone II, I lived on the same street as my friend Ben, owner of the Party Zone and a man who enjoyed pounding cold ones. We frequently congregated at one of our homes to catch a game, catch up on life, or help each other move something heavy. Well, this is what we told our wives anyway. Nine time out of ten, it was all a ruse to demolish colds together. Whatever "game" was already over or we hung out for hours after it was over. "Catching up on life" was code for ripping brewskies and discussing our most recent electric bill. And the heavy objects that needed to be moved as soon as possible were either really light, already moved, or did not exist at all.

This situation was ideal for a couple bros seeking copious amounts of Keystone Light and companionship. Drinking at a Party Zone was cheaper than going out, safer than going out, and in many ways, tighter than going out. After a few years we had some kids in the Party Zones (us and our wives, not together), and we could rip and roar after the children nodded off while still being attentive fathers.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago we each moved to different neighborhoods, far away from one another. The convenience of a short walk to annihilate some crispy cold ones together is gone and we do not see each other nearly as often. I miss it. The time has come for a new pounding partner and I have the perfect place.


That is right, currently on the market is the perfect home for my future pounding partner to uproot their family and move into as soon is possible. It has some bedrooms, some bathrooms, hardwood or carpet or something on the floors, and a back yard that is ideal to tear into a 30 rack with yours truly. I do not have a long checklist or criteria. We can disagree on sports or politics. We do not need the same family size or structure. My future pounding partner doesn't need to be interesting, smart, or attractive. They simply need to be down to fuck up cold ones with a similarly thirsty suburban dad a few doors down. So, future pounding partner, head to the bank to get pre-approved and as long as you love cold ones and proximity, consider yourself pre-approved on this end.