Wednesday, December 23, 2015

New Year's Resolutions for 2k16

Starting with a handful of New Year's resolutions greatly enhances the likelihood that one actually sticks.  Here are mine for 2k16:

1.  Learn to play Coldplay's "Clocks" on piano

It may be time to retire this one.  The original plan, from the early-mid 2000s, was to learn how to play this enchanting riff in order to impress at parties.  That never happened.  Now, even if I did learn how to play it despite not owning a piano or knowing how to play one, many of my dreamed-up party-goers would not recognize the song or would wonder why in the hell I was playing a decade-plus old song on a piano.  Could still be cool though?

2,  Enter something at the Kentucky State Fair

I know there are vast amounts of quality arts and crafts entries in the various state fair competitions.  But let's be honest, there is a bunch of bullshit there too.  And I certainly do not blame these people entering the bullshit because they get free passes and parking.  Hell, I want to be one of those people.  I take pictures on instagram (@proctorstype, please follow) of kids (mine), pizza, beer, my compost bin, etc.  I could blow any of these pictures up, print it, enter it, and the next thing you know I have freed up serious money for the beer tents.

I could call this silly picture "two of my favorite things w/ hand" and it would be in the upper 50% of all photos entered.
3.  Resolve my complicated relationship with Twitter

pre- @proctorstype (please follow)

My first foray into twitter was an unmitigated disaster.  I think my name was the now-defunct @proc5000.  I had over 10k tweets that mostly consisted of "live-tweeting" Saved by the Bell reruns (which I found hilarious, but wrecked havoc on my friend's feeds) and vanilla comments on games I was watching such as "good hit Miggy!".  It was really profound stuff.

The development of @proctorstype (please follow) and @proctorssports (really dumb, don't follow)

When something is going poorly, it is best to divide into two shit-shows instead of one.  I started a sports-only twitter called @proctorssports and it is a lot of "way to go Cards" and "that's a bad call!"  I really do not recommend wasting your time by looking at it.

I also started @proctorstype which is at something of a make or break point.  Currently, it is mainly RTs of interesting articles and links to this blog.  If I think of something I feel is tweet worthy I either forget it, put it on Facebook, or get all long-winded about it and blog instead.  In 2k16 I would like to get those tweets out there and finally have some type of resolution one way or the other.  

4.  Finish the absurd "Top 10 players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" countdown

Saturday, December 19, 2015

My favorite songs vs. Dad's favorite songs- A Guest Blog By Crosby Jane Proctor

One gene that I know I got from my dad is a love of rankings/lists (poor example).  With this in mind I asked that he rank his five favorite songs of all time and submit it to me so I can compare his selections to my own.

Dad's Choice: "Nightswimming" by R.E.M

Dad always says he "loves a good piano" in his music.  He also said this song has a beautiful...oh, sorry, I fell asleep while listening to this boring song.  This is supposed to be the 5th best song ever, not REM's 38th best song.

My Choice: The Snowkey Pokey

My teachers kind of forced my hand with this one.  They love us singing it so much I would feel bad not putting it on the list.  Basically, it is the hokey pokey with a winter theme.  For example, in lieu of "hands" you put your left and right "mittens" in and out then shake them all about.  

Dad's Choice: "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins

I think I am sensing a theme here.  Find a 90's alternative band and then select their slowest song so that you can talk about how "deep" the lyrics are.  And what an uplifting song it is!  Billy Corgan said he did not have the guts to kill his parents so he wrote this song instead. I am going to just let that linger (speaking of early 90s alternative bands) while readers consider that this Debbie Downer song is supposedly the 4th best of all time.

My Choice:  "Badlands" by Bruce Springsteen

Finally some gusto!  This song takes me back to my younger days...

Dad's Choice: "I realize I have to do a tie because I forgot one"  UGH 
"The Cave"- Mumford and Sons TIED with "Mr. Tambourine Man"- Bob Dylan

Setting aside the ridiculousness that is the "tie", there are a couple glaring problems here.  First of all, there should be a caveat for The Cave because he usually does not start listening to it until he has had at least 6 beers and then it is on REPEAT.  There is no middle ground with that one.

Mr. Tambourine Man is a beautiful song, well at least the Byrds version is, but he says he prefers this one.  Not that you would get to listen to it anyway because the second it comes on dad will tell anyone that will listen that the song is actually about buying drugs.  Whoopty doo.  Most people know that and even if they don't, they certainly would like to hear the song in its entirety before learning of that "interesting" interpretation.

My Choice: "Shake that body" - As performed by mom

When I was so little that I was still bathing in the kitchen sink, mom would get me out of the portable tub and, before drying me off, would sing a song called "shake that body" while making me dance.  Everyone loved it and thought it was the funniest thing.  Luckily, I enjoyed it too because I did not have much of a say in the matter.

Dad's Choice: "The River" by Bruce Springsteen

Slow?  Check.  Long?  Check.  Sad?  Check.  There was a bunch of stuff from him about how this used to be #1 for the longest time but blah blah blah, something something.  Anyway, it certainly fits dad's criteria.

My Choice: The entire Raffi Live album

Nana got me this album because she knew I would like it.  I also know that dad does not like it, so I listen to it often.  These are fun songs made for children and I am a two year old, but some people just do not get that.  Nana and Crosby 1, Dad 0.  

Dad's Choice: "Read my mind"- The Killers

I have heard that when this song was popular dad wanted to recreate the above video with his friends.  Well, that sounds ridiculous even if it came to fruition.  But my guess is a single camera was never even turned on.  The time commitment would have really cut into his bachelor "chill" time.  Not to mention, the video was filmed in Japan.  I would venture to guess the travel portion of the non-existent production budget would not have covered that cost.  Solid song, but again, a little slow for my taste.

My Choice: "Ol' Dan Tucker"- as performed by Bruce Springsteen

As you may have garnered from my #2, dad does not like "music made for children", so he tracked down his copy of the chronically-under-rated We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions album that Bruce made about 10 years ago.  He thought I would like it.  I do, well at least I like the first song: Ol' Dan Tucker.  The rest of the album is a mystery because as soon as Dan Tucker ends I scream "Dan Tucker" until he plays it again,  Sometimes he has the audacity to say "well don't you want to listen to Jesse James (the second track) too?"  No.  If I wanted to listen to a song called "Jesse James" I would not scream "Dan Tucker".  I got left off of the Bruce Springsteen ticket list, but if I can finagle my way in there then be on the lookout for a "Dan Tucker" sign to let Bruce know what to play.


Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributing blogger to

Monday, December 14, 2015

More bros in the sauna than in the gym

I am currently sitting in the YMCA sauna with four other guys.  It is not a large sauna.  (Make that five other guys.)  it is quite the scene:

Me:  I may as well be a Busch light can sitting here sweating.  Stayed up to watch Tommy and the boys take It to JJ and sucked the life out of some cold ones.  Now just picture a human-sized beer can in the sauna, it's the best mental image.

New guy: just walked in and poured some water on the ELECTRIC heater.

Confused guy:  brought Dumbbells into the sauna

Other new guy: just asked to borrow Dumbbells...maybe I am the one who is confused?

I am sweating too much to type any more.  Just know it was weird in here this morning.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#1)

Ahhh, the great reveal that at least three people have been waiting for.  Over the past nearly two and a half years I have been counting down a concurrent list of the top ten NBA players and "cheap American beers".  The NBA player list is now pure comedy (see Dwight Howard at #6), however the beer rankings are still fairly consistent.

You can catch up on #2-10 here.

#1 LeBron James/ Yuengling

Torch Holder
I mentioned above that, due to the amount of time that has passed since I began this list, the NBA player rankings are ridiculous.  However, LeBron being #1 is as true now as it was then.  Look no further than last year's NBA finals for proof of this.  LeBron (and the Cavs?), without Love or Kyrie, took two games from the historically great Warriors.  Imagine if the alleged NBA Finals MVP (Iguodala, don't worry I forgot too) and LeBron switched teams.  The Warriors would have swept and won every game by 20 or more points.  Hell, if you switched Steph and LeBron, I still don't think the Cavs would have gotten one.  Everyone always wants to give the "best in their sport" torch to someone else way too quickly.  LeBron still dominates the league.

Pre-marriage and pre-kids, Laura and I went to Tampa to visit some of her family and take a cruise (~75 years ago).  While perusing the beer aisle at the grocery store I found beer that was both something I have never had before and price-pointed similarly to Bud or Miller.  I do not remember the exact date (SPOILER ALERT:  I pounded copious amounts of Yuengling and its a little fuzzy), but it is certainly one that changed my life.  Yuengling is the very definition of "cheap" and "American", basically a runaway winner.  They go down smooth enough to be a daytime grip & rip, but have enough bite to crack the first one after sundown.

Many readers, including local ones, are unable to purchase Yuengling in their state.  This makes it something of a commodity.  And not to get too personal, but it has caused something of an internal struggle for me.  Do I over-value Yuengling because it is a somewhat rare treat?  Or do I simply love it for what it is?  I cannot answer these questions here. But I can declare Yuengling to be the quintessential "cheap American beer".

Saturday, December 5, 2015

""My Potty Journey": An Update" - A Guest Blog By Crosby Jane Proctor

Loyal readers will remember that I recently wrote about learning to use the restroom.  Well, the process is going swimmingly.  The only problem is that I did not deem it a "journey".  Everything is a journey nowadays, from weight loss to education to quitting smoking.  Potty training is certainly deserving of the moniker as well.  Plus, people like to read about journeys and I am now vested in increasing the sorry readership of this blog.  
This does not even include all the times I go at school.
As for my journey: the stickers are beginning to overlap and freeze-dried mangoes have been added to the treat container, so, the epitome of success.  I am the Golden State Warriors of potty training. (sorry, dad insists on sports analogies even though they are unnecessary and alienating for a portion of the readership).  

Speaking of dad, I would be remiss to not mention his absurd attempt at tagging along on my potty training journey.  You may remember from my previous post that he mentioned he wanted his own sticker chart.  Well, some friends (read: enablers) of his brought this absurdity to fruition:
I have to admit I am a tad jealous of his sticker selection.
Needless to say, this made dad downright giddy.  I caught him putting stickers on and giggling to himself this morning.
Way to go on the straight lines...lame.
Of course he is not even tracking correctly.  Five total stickers?  Once he starts "pounding brews" he is in there five times an hour.  He will get over this soon enough...I hope.


Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributing blogger to

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Christmas List 1.0

For about 15 years I have been asking for the same thing for Christmas.  I may as well try again:
1.  Shove
2.  A system
3.  Bass
4.  Subs
5.  Large speakers for my car

And save your jokes about me being too old or having baby seats in the car.  Obviously, you weren't putting on the south end in the early 2000s.  You just don't get it.

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Going Potty"- A Guest Blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

Wow, does going to the bathroom have its perks or what?  Every time I sit down to relieve myself I get a blueberry treat  AND a sticker on my personalized potty chart.  The incentive for doing what comes so natural is exorbitant, but I am the one reaping the rewards so why would I complain.
Note the small stickers.  I want to ride this train as long as I can.
As you have  ascertained, I am pretty excited about my ongoing potty training.  Diapers are so October of 2015.  I get to go potty whenever and wherever I want.  Naturally, this wields me a substantial amount of power.  The second I hear dad crack a cold one, I say "I need to go potty" and he has to take me right then and there.  If dad turns the game on then,  like clockwork, "I gotta go potty". I hope you don't miss a touchdown, dad!  It works every time and there is nothing better than hearing him ask "are you sure?" and have mom explain to him that he is not allowed to question the validity of my potty request.  Did I mention the potty plays a song if I go?  It is a pretty legit jam.  The only downfall was the constant audience, but now I simply say "privacy please" and close the door.  Apparently this is a "cute" request and is always granted.  Maybe when I get older I will understand what is so exciting about watching your kids go to the potty.

I know there is a lot on the horizon for me, but I cannot help but wonder if life gets any better than this.  That is why, even though I have this potty training licked, I will continue to use it to my advantage at every possible turn.  Hang on.."hey dad, before you pour that glass of chocolate milk you have been talking about all day, I need to go potty."  This will be fun.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Somebody unnecessarily hurt Teddy and it pisses me off.

Teddy fans, watch this at your own peril...

Man, I hope Teddy is ok.  And btw, this is what the NFL is trying to get rid of, as they should.  Those of you who are concerned about the rules protecting players because you are vicariously tough and crave "big hits", well I've got nothing for you.  Is this what you want?  The play is dirty as hell and is the definition of "targeting".  There is absolutely no place for this.  A player should be allowed to forfeit themselves and not have to worry about an opposing player purposefully injuring them.  And last but not least, YES, the league should err on the side of caution when calling targeting penalties.  Penalties and fines can be undone, but violent, life-altering concussions can not.

Still the man
And while we are here, please keep another Cardinal, Kyle Kuric,  and family in your prayers:

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#2)

Over two years ago I set out to countdown the top 10 NBA players and top 10 cheap American beers concurrently through a series of blogs.  This has become, without a doubt, the laziest and most pathetic venture yet by this blog.  I started strong, but put off finishing the list over and over.  A lot of things change over two years and some of the rankings seem downright foolish now.  If you are new to the countdown, click below to catch up and laugh at my disjointed rankings up to this point.  Otherwise, let's get this over with.

Catch Up:

#2 Kevin Durant/ Keystone Light

When I began this countdown, #2 seemed like the perfect spot for KD.  He won the MVP that year and many were starting to (wrongly) believe that he was the best player in the league.  Now he has a lingering foot injury.  When he is healthy, he is a scoring machine.  In fact, if we assume health (and we will, because who gives a shit), I think #2 is still appropriate.  

Here is a terrible picture of me with a beautiful special edition stoner can.  Cheers!
Keystone light is so damn good.  It makes me feel special.  It makes me feel complete.  I have been drinking keystones longer than many of you all have been alive and I do not plan on stopping.  Hell, I once bought a 12 pack for $4.99!  It remains the go-to to this day when I am low on funds but long to be high on fun.  Even if I start with quality brews, there is no reason to not gear-down into some stoners in order to finish off the evening.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Crosby's 2nd Birthday Video

I made Crosby a video for her second birthday.  She is the real deal.  Check it out: full screen, volume on.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Day of rest? Not for your oral hygiene!

 Today is Sunday, a traditional day of rest for many.  Your mind and body may be tired from a long work week and/or an intense Saturday night.  It only seems right to relax and recharge the proverbial batteries.  Heck, resting on Sunday is even biblical.  

But there is one (hopefully) routine task that cannot take Sunday off: brushing your damn teeth!  That's right, you have to get out of bed at least twice today to get the chompers clean.  In fact, Sunday should be a time to give your entire mouth a thorough deep clean.  Think of the difference between "detailing" your car and merely "cleaning" it and apply that to your teeth and gums.  

Hit them first with just water on the brush and scrub the hell away.  Then grab some floss and rip 'n roar on those gaps.  I bet some of that caramel from those delicious Rolos on Tuesday is still tucked away in there.  Now load that brush up with approximately three peas worth of paste (I don't give a shit if you have fluoride in there or not, that's your choice) and start grinding away on those bad boys.  You like a circular motion?  Maybe the old back n' forth?  It doesn't matter as long as you are applying the same pressure you would use to scrub the residue from an unwanted bumper sticker off of a new-to-you car!  If you feel the tendons in your arm tiring just think about a whole week's worth of coffee festering on your once-white teeth.  Finally, you need a liquid finisher: mouthwash, coconut oil, or even warm salt water.  Get a big gulp in there and swish FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE!  You can do it, just go mentally to a different place if it gets tough around the 45 second mark.  Spit that out and the you are instantly rewarded by seeing your success as particles of who-knows-what goes down the drain. 

Last, but not least, I don't want to hear about "but it's football day" from any of you.  There is no London game today, so you aren't on the clock until 1 o'clock.  You are going to be invading your mouth with cold ones, wing sauce, and chips!  You need to be prepared.  Set your fantasy lineups, hit the teeth as discussed above, veg out, then hit them again during 60 minutes before the night game.  That way, when you yell when your team scores you won't have your fellow game-watchers passing put from your putrid breath.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Corduroy unloads on Puppy

Way to ruin Halloween, Puppy.  Hmmmm...what should you do?  I don't know, maybe you could muster one ounce of gumption and make a second attempt at putting your costume together.  Or you could get a job, save up, and buy a new costume.  Either way, you need to stop coming to me with all of your problems.  

And didn't you say this costume was going to be special?  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even if properly assembled, that wasn't going to any awards. I swear, if you cause us to miss one second of trick or treating, this will be the least of your worries. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

I guess I have a brother now... - A guest blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

I was enjoying what I thought was an impromptu weekend get-a-way with Nana and Papa when I was informed it was time to go to the hospital and meet my brother.  Of course this was no surprise to me.  For the past few months I have been indoctrinated each night with books emphasizing the importance of being a "good big sister".  Needless to say, I got the gist of these books about halfway through the first one.  My favorite was the Berenstain Bears version.  Basically, the older bear sibling gets a new bed because he has outgrown it and his old bed is reserved for the new baby.  This new bed comes about from the father going into the woods, chopping down a tree and building a bed from the fallen wood.  This could not be more dissimilar from our situation.  If my new brother is waiting on our dad to do this, he may as well find a comfortable spot on the floor for the next 18 years.

Putting babies on top of play carts full of toys is an excellent idea.
Well, we can (and will) clown dad in the future.  Here is the pertinent info of my little bro:

Name:        Guy Thomas Proctor
Height:       19.75 Inches
Weight:      8 lbs 9 oz
Time born: 2:41 AM September 12, 2015
Mood:        Jacked (as you can see dad still has some say in the content of his blog)

I hope he does not think he gets mom and I am stuck with dad.
Word around Baptist East is that mom was a champ again.  She stuck to her plan for a natural birth.   Shout out to her awesome doula Angela and (to a lesser extent) dad for helping her along.  Although, apparently Guy did not put up nearly as long of fight as I did.  That being said, mom and brother are both healthy and doing well.  Dad will not stop talking about what time the cafeteria opens.
He gets to suck his thumb all he wants, but if I ask for a pacifier at the wrong time all heck breaks loose.
This is going to be a fun time in our house.  My brother seems pretty cool.  I am considering waking up at night every time he does so that we all get to hang out together.  Plus, I cannot wait to teach him the "wake up and cry right at kickoff" trick that I patented.  

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Trash day

Wednesday is trash pickup day and recycling pickup is every other Wednesday.  After six years in our house, I know this.  I also know that because we had a holiday Monday, pickup for both will be delayed until Thursday.  

Needless to say I was content just waiting until tomorrow.  But then I saw Mr. Goody Two Shoes from across the street put his cans out today.  Could he be right?

And who is Mr. G2S you ask?  Here is all you need to know about him:

Last summer, due to some mower trouble, our front yard was a tad neglected.  I thought I had the problem fixed and began to mow, however the mower continued to stall out as I went along.  The whole time this is happening, Mr. G2S is across the street shooting the shit with some other poindexter.  Eventually the mower would not restart and in a momentary lapse in chill, I flipped the mower over onto the ground and it popped back up on its wheels (it was actually pretty cool).  He sees all this and what does he do you ask?  He starts cutting his own well-manicured lawn that did not need to be cut...

There it is.  Guess what Neighbor Ned, if I look like a fool for forgetting the holiday and putting the cans out early, then you do too. And when my young kids are grown up a little and I can focus more on the yard, mine will be on point too.  Also, if you read this, where did you get that new Dogwood tree?  That bloom last spring was fantastic.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

The little things...

Is there anything better than discovering freshly-hardened, melted cheese when cleaning the panini press?  Truth be told, I have been known, on occasion, to let a little cheese seep out of the panini/quesadilla I am pressing just to ensure I get that little taste of heaven. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

College football predictions (guesses)

No "analysis", just throwing it out and seeing if anything sticks.  If it does, you better believe you will be hearing about this again.  

College football playoff:
1.  Ohio State
2.  USC
3.  Florida State
4.  Alabama

Final: Alabama defeats Florida State

First 4 Out:
Michigan St.

Conference Champs:
ACC: Florida St
Big 10: Ohio St
Big 12: Baylor
Pac 12: USC
SEC East: Georgia
SEC West: Alabama 

Heisman: Cody Kessler

Projected Records:
Louisville: 9-3
Kentucky: 7-5
CMU: 6-6

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A dilemma

This is a very small amount of leftover nacho cheese from a Lil C's Hot N' Ready run last Sunday.  It was obviously used for crust dips and I will say, it certainly did its job quite nicely.  I have no earthly idea what to do with it now, but at the same time, I simply cannot let go. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Fellow Tiger fans, let's pick a new guy

Yesterday, while Jason Day was breaking records in the last golf major of the year, I was watching the Tiger's bullpen blow yet another game and a couple episodes of the X Files.  Why?   Because I do not have anyone to cheer for because I am clinging onto Tiger like an obsessed ex-lover who just cannot let go.  (It should be noted that, unlike many, I am not actually an ex-lover of Tiger).  The truth is he just does not have it going right now and it is time to cheer for someone new.  I used to pretend to be some kind of a purist who would watch golf without Tiger contending.  I was lying to myself and everyone else.  It is time to pick a new stud (that's one way to phrase that -Editor) and I would like to walk you all through my thought process.

First and foremost, I am going to narrow down the list to 5 guys.  These guys are all young and most have won majors.  I do not want to pick someone older, just to have to turn around and pick someone else in a few years.  I also do not want to pick someone who sucks (as compared to the other pros, I understand all PGA tour players are excellent at golf).

Candidate #1: Dustin Johnson
Photo courtesy of CNN and a non-major tournament
I like that he rockets to the top of the leader board, but I am not a huge fan of him never actually winning.  I also do not like or use cocaine, which could be a good or a bad thing considering he has cleaned himself up.  In the end, I am not as big of a fan of "comeback stories" as others are, especially when the comeback is from a series of completely self-imposed problems.

Verdict: Not my guy

Candidate #2: Jordan Spieth
First down!
This would be the obvious choice of a bandwagon to jump on.  He is fantastic.  And going with the front runner certainly is not the worst thing in the world.  He won the first two majors this year and was right there for the other two.  But he has one major downfall that may not be his fault at all.  It is the way people talk about him.  I cannot tell you how often I hear from golf commentators that he "looks like you want him to look", "does things the right way", and "respects the game".  What a crock of shit.  If this is what everyone "wants" then why does everyone love Tiger so much?  There is a small sect of golf fans who are glad this type of guy has supplanted Tiger, but that group is not nearly as large as they think they are.  Great player, good guy, but a tad too vanilla for me.

Verdict: Not my guy

Candidate #3: Rickie Fowler
One advantage Rickie has is he is the easiest player to spot if watching from 10,000 feet above the course.
There is nothing wrong with flamboyant, garish clothing and he gets paid a ton to wear it.  I just cannot keep up style-wise.

Verdict: Not my guy.

Candidate #4: Jason Day
Photo courtesy of BBC
The headline accompanying the above photo is "Jason Day: From Drunk 12-Year-Old To US PGA Champion".  Obviously, this boosts his case and he certainly has an advantage in our "prisoner of the moment" society.  He is Australian, which I am of mixed opinion.  Seems cool, cries a lot.

Verdict: Finalist

Candidate #5: Rory McIlroy
Curly hair is a major plus.
Depending on the font, his last name can look really cool when typed.  He is Irish, which I like.  But his best quality?  He is probably the best golfer in the world but ended 2015 with 0 for 3 in majors in which he played.  He also missed the British Open due to injury.  This means I am "buying low".  So when he wins a couple majors next year, I can be really proud of myself.  I just googled who his Premier League club is and am going to erase that from my mind.

Verdict: Winner

So Rory is my guy, but it should be noted that if Tiger even sniffs a major, I am dropping Rory faster than he dropped/was dropped by that tennis player.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Manic Monday (Guest Blogger- Crosby Jane Proctor)

Mondays are usually a fun time for me, but I just am not feeling it today.  I think it is mostly dad's fault.  He has a test coming up and was gone ("studying") most of the weekend.  He is being the BIGGEST BABY about the whole ordeal.  Honestly, I think it is a big ruse for him to get to eat out for every meal.  Sure, I will take a test too if that means Panera Bread, Starbucks, Burger King (x2), and Papa Johns pizza.  All the while the grass in the back just keeps growing and growing...someone please tell me how I am supposed to play back there.  Luckily, mommy and others salvaged some fun for the weekend, otherwise I am not sure I would know how to even deal with today.  

Fast forward to today.  I wanted some milk before I departed for school.  A reasonable request, right?  Well, dad responds with "just hang on a minute, you will get some milk at school".  How rude.  Next time he wants to drink a beer before we all go to the restaurant I am going to tell him "you don't need that, they will have beer at the restaurant".  Thankfully, mommy took the 30 seconds to pour me a glass of milk.  I finished it, we brushed teeth, and off daddy and I go to school.

On the way there I am forced to hear Drew Deener blather on about some sports something or other.  After about 10 minutes, but what feels like an hour, I am finally at school and I get to see my friends.  I was admittedly a little fired up and upon entering school I shoved one of my friends to the floor.  Whoopty doo.  Sue me (just a joke dad).  Of course, dad makes me say "sorry", which I did not feel was warranted.  Fifteen seconds later, I see another friend of mine carrying around a green basket that I want to play with.  I politely approach and attempt to take it away from her.  She starts to cry and of course I get told by dad to "let her keep it".  I did not think this was all too big of deal, but apparently it was enough to get my mug shot on the wall:

I do not have to tell you who was "watching me" when I fell and hit my face last weekend.

Wow,  it is only 9:30.  The good news is my day can only improve from here.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


Over the past couple of days coach Petrino has been asked quite frequently about U of L footballs's QB situation.  I listened to his answers and I have seen the nice recruits coming in, but I have not wavered.  I am a #Bonnfan.  I have to stand strong, I coined the term!

Jacked & Ready, even helping children!  Photo courtesy of U of L sports.

I should be studying.
Something similar to this remains a possibility.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


Reconciling the flashback will prove difficult, but it is a good problem to have.  ARE THERE ENOUGH BREWS IN THE WORLD?

8:00 USWNT v. Nigeria

Photo courtesy of NY Post

9:00 Warriors v. Cavs Game 6

Photo Courtesy of Latin Times


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Leave Josh Rogers alone, or better yet, cheer him on

Last night Josh Rogers worked seven electric innings for the University of Louisville Cardinals in their eventual 4-3 super regional loss to Cal State Fullerton.  He exited with a 2-1 lead and inning after inning mowed through Cal State's lineup, including a highlight reel catch to end the sixth and back-to-back strike outs to end the seventh.  This is a good thing (at least for U of L fans) right?  Well you would think so, but you see Josh Rogers did something so terrible, so disgusting, that all of that goodwill was erased after he exited the mound at the end of the seventh inning.  I do not even know if I want to repeat it on my blog, but here goes...please do not repeat this to your children...he yelled for a few seconds in the general direction of Cal State Fullerton's bench.


I simply do not understand why everyone, including U of L fans, seems to be piling on Josh Rogers for the way he exited the mound after getting a huge strike out to end the 7th.  He was FIRED UP, he was JACKED, he was AMPED!  Isn't that what we want?  We guzzle brews, dew and red bulls just to get that effect ourselves!  He yelled at Cal States Fullerton's bench and one of their assistant coaches (a grown man) completely loses his mind, runs on the field and screams at everyone, including the umpire.  What did he want the umpire to do...taze Rogers?  I apologize, but I do not see how, in a sport where adjusting your jock and spitting in the norm, someone can become so offended by a three second verbal spat with an opposing team's 21 year old pitcher.  And he is not the only one, even U of L fans are saying "I wish he would not have done that".  Boo Hoo.

Josh Rogers is one of our guys and should be treated as such.  He did not hurt anyone.  He did not make a dirty play.  He was excited and did something that was the slightest bit regrettable.  Please remember, Josh Rogers was the wining pitcher in Louisville's last two regional finals and he certainly is not to blame for last night's loss.  He is a guy who thrives in big moments and that, in turn, makes him excited.  We, as U of L fans, should support this, instead of turning into the moral authority and "conceding" that if he played for the other team (or UK) that we would be upset.  Who cares?  You know what, he does not play for the other team, he plays for U of L.  And please, for the love of everything holy, spare me the bullshit about him "showing the other side up" or even worse "upsetting the baseball gods" and thus somehow negativity affecting the outcome of the game.  Did Cal State Fullerton all the sudden decide to start trying to win the game at that point?  They got to U of L's bullpen, pitched well, and played superb defense.  Something tells me they were planning on trying to do that regardless.  Finally, Madison Bumgarner stared down and talked to the Royals' dugout (before the game was over) en route to one of the greatest World Series pitching performances of all time.  Where were the baseball gods then?  And how outraged are we now?  Fortunately for Bumgarner and Giants fans, the Giants went on to win, but that does not change the fact that the actions were similar.

All in all, I am probably still just upset about the loss.  But I am certainly not blaming Rogers, I am cheering him.  In an 11 inning loss, everyone wants to place blame.  I do not think this is a productive practice in general, but I certainly don't think the blame should be placed on some kind of mystical power summoned from three seconds of Rogers screaming at Cal State Fullerton's dugout.  Luckily for U of L fans, Rogers is just a sophomore and will be back next year, hopefully just as jacked.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Gym Notes

1)  Someone needs to explain to me the deal with picking the medicine ball up above your head and violently throwing it on the floor.  At some points, it seems like half of the gym is doing it.  I have no doubt it is a beneficial exercise, most of the people doing it are fairly winded.  I just wonder who made it up and how it became so popular so quickly.  

Possibly, somewhere in a Crossfit garage far, far away, an extremely amped bro was letting off some steam and took some aggression out on a medicine ball.  After a few reps, a movement was born.

2)  A tip: when you are trying to get The Cranberries "Zombie" on repeat (in order to get severely jacked), be sure to type more than just "Zo" in the search bar.  Otherwise, this will end up in the mix:

There is nothing wrong with some S & G in chill time, but it will stop a vigorous medicine ball floor pound session right in its tracks.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Special Day At Kroger

I have a new routine going.  I do the grocery shopping on Wednesday mornings.  Today, the fantastic Hubbards Lane Kroger is hosting some type of educational tour for managers of other stores.
Are you serious with this produce?

There are many perks to shopping right now.  A polite man asked me what size cart I want.  Those on the tour are making great effort to get out of my way. But the BEST perk is the vast array of samples.  There are samples everywhere, including Starbucks.  The only downfall is the amount of times I have been asked if I am "finding everything ok", but the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.  

The store looks great guys!  Keep up the good work.  

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Calendar of Events

For many, it has been a rough, long winter.  The impending snow storm here in Louisville is not making it any better.  It is for this reason that I am presenting a list a of upcoming events for everyone to look forward to:


1)  March 15th: Selection Sunday

       Find out the path for your favorite college basketball team (or if they have one).  Plus, this means no more in-game Joe Lanardi predictions such as "if x team can hang on to beat y team it will help x team's tournament seeding and hurt Y team's resume".  Even for fans of teams on the outside looking in, this is a fantastic thing.

2)  March 19th-20th: Round 1 of the NCAA tournament (I know this is now technically round 2, but that is absurd and this is an upbeat post)

      I hope I do not have to explain why this is fantastic.  For God's sake, men get vasectomies so they can watch basketball all day and night instead of working.

3)  March 23rd- Oberon Release 
Summer in a bottle

4)  MLB Opening Day AND The NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship Game
        Crack a few Oberons and watch baseball all day, yeah that sounds like a hell of a plan.  Then, after you have had enough Oberons to stomach it, watch (in all likelihood) those Wildcats cut down the nets.  At least it will make my family and friends that are UK fans happy...this is what I am telling myself anyway.

5)  April 9-12: The Masters

       Watch as golf's greatest (except maybe Tiger) compete for the year's first major.  There is an added bonus if you are into slow motion zoom-ins on blossoming trees accompanied by pleasant piano music.

They play golf too!

6)  April 30- May 2: The NFL Draft

        This is for all of you "football only" types.  Feel free to "grade"(on the fly) the selections made by professionals with decades of experience who have invested countless hours researching the players.  If DeVante and Teddy are reunited, be prepared for the jacked meter to explode.

7)  May 2: The Kentucky Derby

       *Insert Hunter S. Thompson Quote*


Mumford and Sons "Wilder Mind"- May 4th

Brandon Flowers "The Desired Effect- May 18

Florence and The Machine "How Big How Blue How Beautiful"- June 2

Nate Ruess Yet To Be Named Solo Album- TBD Summer 2015

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#3)

Catch Up:

#3 Chris Paul & Anthony Davis/ Busch Light
Courtesy of
I am sure many (both?) readers who have been following this countdown for over a year are wondering why I keep taking the liberty to list two players in a single position.  Well, my best explanation is that a lot has changed since I started this list and I lost the original piece of paper where I wrote down the top 10.  It may be pathetic, but this is what I am doing.  Not to mention it would be an absolute travesty to not have AD on the list, which he would not have been if I wrote all of this in anything approaching a timely manner.  He is on pace to have one of the great statistical seasons in the history of the NBA.  Chris Paul is still fantastic even though the Clippers are annually the equivalent of losing hot water during a shower.

I know that Anheuser Busch have been some horrible dicks of late to the craft beer community.  But that being said, I love an ice cold Busch light.  The flavor is better than its big brother: the un-ranked Bud Light, and it is less expensive.  I think the world would be a better place if most places you went there were street vendors selling cans of Busch Light for $1.  Street vendor makes a little money on the markup, purchaser gets an ice cold Busch Light for a reasonable price, and of course the can will be recycled.

Condensed weather report

Snowed like a mug & cold af

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Snow Storm RE: How To Survive

They are saying it is going to snow like the Dickens tonight and tomorrow.  Here are 10 survival tips for snow storms:

1.  Have on hand 3 beers for every inch of snow predicted.  If the prediction is a range, use the highest end of the range for your calculation.  For example: a forecast of 6-12 inches= minimum 36 cold ones at the ready.

2.  If the electric goes out do not just assume you should put your beers in the snow.  The temperatures are going to be dropping rapidly and your can/bottle may very well explode.  My recommendation is to have a collapsible cooler inside and fill it with snow and beer in the event of a power outage.

3.  A variety of beer is not ideal.  Sure, you may not know what mood you will be in, but that is all the more reason to just stick with the basics.  Find the staple of your choice and load up.

4.  Have DVD copies of replays of your favorite sporting events ready to roll in the event cable/internet goes out.  Crack a few and pretend like you are watching it the first time.

5.  If you take vital medication, make sure you have some.  Also make sure you have shelter, food, and water.

6.  If you are from Louisville, be prepared to discuss where you were in 1994 and how many days you got off of school/work.  Also, be prepared to feel old because that was 21 years ago.  The winter storm of 1994 is old enough to drink your beer you are stock piling, but do not let it.

7.  If you are transporting your beer and run off the road into a snow embankment, do not hesitate to start pounding the brews.  Then piss on the snow until it melts and you can leave.  Of course, you will be twisted so sleep it off.

8.  If the forecasters are off on the amount of snow be prepared for:
        a.  Social media posts about how terrible meteorologists are.  Quite possibly many of your                   friends will say that if they messed their jobs up that badly they would be fired.
        b.  Various snide items of memorabilia declaring "I survived the winter storm of 2015". Do not           purchase.

9.  If the forecasters are correct about the amount of snow:
        a.  Whiny ramblings about how adults should have snow days too.
        b.  Everyone saying everyone else does not know how to drive in the snow.

10. Do not lock yourself out of the house, especially if you do not have pants on.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Awesome News: Chris Dominguez signs minor league deal with the Reds

On one hand, I hope Dominguez can make the Reds, on the other I hope we have him here for the Bats.  I swear I saw Dominguez hit a ball about 450 feet out of Jim Patterson Stadium.  If the cheap beer stand had been there at the time, this shot would have cleared it by 10 feet.  So jacked for baseball.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Fries and mayo

After Pulp Fiction came out, variations of the following conversation were had all across the country:

Person 1 (assuming they are the only person in the world who has seen Pulp Foction): Can you believe that in other countries they eat fries with mayonnaise?

Person 2: Ew!  That's gross and fattening! 

"Cultured" Person: Believe it or not, it is actually pretty good!  You should try it, I did!

Were people, especially Americans, really that surprised that French Fries dipped in mayonnaise taste good?  

Saturday, January 3, 2015

My Legacy

If I could choose one thing to be known for it would be that I am a guy who always orders an a la carte pancake to accompany a savory breakfast.