Sunday, July 10, 2016

#spotthecoldone > Pokemon Go

The youths are telling me that I should play Pokemon Go. Apparently it is a phone game where you go to real places and look for fake cartoon characters. It makes absolutely no sense. How do you win? Can you win? And even if you "win", by whatever definition, what do you get? These are rhetorical questions. Please do not reply to this post and tell me anything else about the game.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I do not "get it". If that makes me "old" or "out-of-touch", then so be it. But I want this to be clear: at no point am I ever going to want to have anything to do with this game whatsoever, in any sense of the imagination.

I know there are others out there who agree with me. You may be afraid to say "I do not want to play Pokemon Go" for fear of being ridiculed by a grown-up wondering aimlessly around a parking lot looking for an image of a little orange dinosaur named Peekechoo. Fear not, I am here for you and I made up an alternative game for us.

#Spotthecoldone is simple, no apps are required. You look around for a brew and when you find one, you crack it open and drink it. That's it, you win. And on yeah, part of the "fun" of Pokemon is the social media aspect, so that is why I made the hashtag. If you find a cold one, feel free to post something with the hashtag. Have fun and be safe.

A victory! #spotthecoldone

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Dad v. Leftover Snacks

Check this out...

That's right, it's approximately a quarter of an individual serving sized bag of "Harvest Cheddar" Sun Chips. Whoopty doo, right? It certainly seems mundane, but it is all I can think about. You see, we do not keep that many snack-type foods around the house, due primarily to snacks being an all or nothing proposition for me. So, even though Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are barely in the chip top 50, I am craving their synthetic ched flavor.

Unfortunately, these chips are not mine. I did not eat 3/4 of a bag of Sun Chips. This has all the looks of being my two year old daughter's (loyal readers know her work) chips. And for some reason my wife does not like me eating all of the kid's food. It seems like this would be the end of it then, but it isn't, it has not been, and it is unlikely to ever be.  I just cannot help myself.

It usually starts like this: I spot some sort of treat in the cabinet and begin obsessing over it. If it is already open, before I even know what I am doing, I am removing the chip clip and sliding my hand in. Just one won't hurt. But then shit always goes right off the rails. One turns into two and two turns into crumbs. 

So now, instead of a little theft cover-up, I am trying to dispose of a body. I take the packaging and begin to wad it up. If I am afraid it is too loud, I can turn on the garbage disposal. I will not want it visible in the top of the trash can, so I walk it out to the large outside trash bins. Sometimes it just lays right on top, so I grab a stick and push it under some of the full trash bags. Once I am confident the remains will not be found, I put the chip clip back in the drawer as to not raise suspicion about why it is sitting in the cupboard not clipping a fucking thing.

This tried and true method has a success rate of 0%. My wife and daughter have snack photographic memories that would put Will Hunting to shame. As soon as the heist in sniffed out, I end up looking like some kind of monster. Why don't I just let my daughter have her chips? If I want Sun Chips so bad, why don't I just go out and buy some? All I can say is, I do not just want some Sun Chips, I want those Sun Chips. Speaking of those Sun Chips...*turns on garbage disposal*