Saturday, March 21, 2020

Five Sentence Story #11

Onlookers gasped as the massive gym bros ascended on the soon-to-open Planet Fitness parking lot. Each gym bro took up one and a half parking spots apiece due to their insane width. Their protest signs read things such as "I will grunt if I want!", "where is the bench press?", and "no plate limits!". As the demonstration wore on, the huge dudes had trouble holding their signs overhead due to blasting their front delts and triceps prior to the protest. With fatigue setting in and their respective metabolic windows closing, the gym bros valiant effort came to an end and they went home.

Friday, February 15, 2019

My Half Birthday Party

With August 12 nearly six months away, it is time to celebrate my half birthday! My sister and husband are gracious enough to have invited family and friends over to their house for an afternoon of pizza, cold ones, cake, and Louisville basketball! I am excited beyond words. Also, congrats to my nephew Jude who just turned two and lives there as well!

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Wanted: Neighborhood Pounding Partner

At my former residence, the Party Zone II, I lived on the same street as my friend Ben, owner of the Party Zone and a man who enjoyed pounding cold ones. We frequently congregated at one of our homes to catch a game, catch up on life, or help each other move something heavy. Well, this is what we told our wives anyway. Nine time out of ten, it was all a ruse to demolish colds together. Whatever "game" was already over or we hung out for hours after it was over. "Catching up on life" was code for ripping brewskies and discussing our most recent electric bill. And the heavy objects that needed to be moved as soon as possible were either really light, already moved, or did not exist at all.

This situation was ideal for a couple bros seeking copious amounts of Keystone Light and companionship. Drinking at a Party Zone was cheaper than going out, safer than going out, and in many ways, tighter than going out. After a few years we had some kids in the Party Zones (us and our wives, not together), and we could rip and roar after the children nodded off while still being attentive fathers.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago we each moved to different neighborhoods, far away from one another. The convenience of a short walk to annihilate some crispy cold ones together is gone and we do not see each other nearly as often. I miss it. The time has come for a new pounding partner and I have the perfect place.


That is right, currently on the market is the perfect home for my future pounding partner to uproot their family and move into as soon is possible. It has some bedrooms, some bathrooms, hardwood or carpet or something on the floors, and a back yard that is ideal to tear into a 30 rack with yours truly. I do not have a long checklist or criteria. We can disagree on sports or politics. We do not need the same family size or structure. My future pounding partner doesn't need to be interesting, smart, or attractive. They simply need to be down to fuck up cold ones with a similarly thirsty suburban dad a few doors down. So, future pounding partner, head to the bank to get pre-approved and as long as you love cold ones and proximity, consider yourself pre-approved on this end.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

The Gatorade Saga

On Thursday morning, after exhausting myself, I stopped at my favorite Speedway (very clean, lines move efficiently) to purchase a refresher. Upon entry (held the door open for someone despite being exhausted and needing refreshment), I darted to the drink cooler in the rear. There they were, a whole row of Gatorade Zero Lemon Limes ready for purchase and consumption. As I grabbed one, I made it a point to look around and scoff at all the idiots in the Speedway making purchases that didn’t involve replenishing electrolytes.

Needless to say, the Speedway trip was going swimmingly until I was advised by a small sign in the cooler that I could purchase a second Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime for a dollar (“buy 1 get 1 4 $1” or some shit like that). Now I had a decision to make, I only wanted one Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime, but considering just one costs $2.49, adding a second to replenish and hydrate me in the future for a single dollar seemed too good of a bargain to pass up. After being trapped behind a “regular” chatting it up with the Speedway Clerk for what seemed like two hours, I finally made my purchase and proceeded to work.

Once at work, I stowed the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime away in a place to keep it cool for refreshment the next day. I headed to court and worked my cases, intermittently taking huge swigs of my Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime. At one point, I realized I no longer had the bottle with me. Had I finished it and discarded the bottle without thinking or had I left it somewhere? After interrogating my colleagues, I quickly realized that that Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime was not going to be recovered. “Oh well”, I thought, “at least I have refreshment waiting for me tomorrow morning in the form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar”.

The next day, yesterday, I exhausted myself early in the morning.  The rest of the morning was a blur as I contemplated the refreshment and replenishment awaiting me in the refrigerator at work. The family all got ready, I dropped the kids off, and “floored it” to get to work/hydration as quickly as possible. I finally arrived at work, scanned my security card, muttered something to a coworker, and raced towards the refrigerator, ready for electrolytes.

(This is where the story takes a dark turn, reader discretion advised.)

I was exhausted, but running on adrenaline. I pulled the refrigerator door open with gusto, but my excitement quickly turned to despair, the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before was nowhere to be found. Had someone taken it? Had I drank it and not remembered? Was the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar the day before an illusion resulting from dehydration? (This happens to people stranded in the dessert all the time).

At this point I was nearly sobbing, but couldn’t produce tears due to dehydration. On a whim, I opened the freezer portion of the work refrigerator and there it was: a rock solid, frozen form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. My dumbass had put it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator like a fucking idiot! I spent the rest of the day sipping what little melt the heat could produce of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. The day culminated with me leaving approximately 10 ounces of bottled refreshment undrank and frozen on my desk. Before leaving for the weekend, I stared at that frozen blob and wondered: “what is this world?”, “what is my role in it”, “and why am I so fucking thirsty?”

Friday, March 16, 2018

“Fish and frites”, kiss my ass

Just received an email for a St. Patrick’s Day meal that listed “fish and frites” as one of the menu options. IT IS CALLED FISH AND CHIPS. I would know, it is tied for my favorite meal (pizza). “Frites”, come on, seriously, they are french fries, they are delicious, and they don’t need to be propped up with some fancy name.

With my family headed to Ireland, I will not be attending this dinner, rather, I will be eating “fish and chips” every damn day for the next two weeks.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

#ConLent, lessons learned

Well guys, I screwed up. I promised daily content during lent without considering that Saturday the family and I are headed to Ireland for our two week adventure. The odds of me finding wifi, abandoning my family, and banging out some #ConLent are very low. It would also be fairly pathetic, when you think about it.

"Hang on family, we can't go to this old castle because I need to find a Starbucks so that I can come up with a five sentence story or lash out at the haters." Or even better (worse), "I would like to experience the cliffs, but the supporters are awaiting the continuation of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of Gorillas." (seriously, what the hell was I thinking with that). Not happening.

All in all, I feel like this has been a successful run, with some results more successful than others. Here is a ranking of your all's favorite types of content, based on stats:

1. Crosby blogs
2. Guy blogs
3. Count Me Out
4. Comments from the haters
5. Lashing out at the NCAA
6. Lashing out at the haters
7. Five Sentence Stories

999. count down of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of gorillas

1,000,000. Smoothie recipes

For the supporters, I will try and get some content up while in Ireland, but it is more likely to be on Instagram. And do not fret, there will be more content on this site soon. I can't leave the haters starving.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A new contender for cold pounder of the summer

Oberon day is two weeks away. Yuengling is now sold in KY. Stones and Nattys come in 15 packs. Summer pounding decisions were going to be hard enough before I drank Founders Solid Gold. Here come the haters: "Wait, you can't pound Founders morning to night, in the heat, too expensive, too much abv, dumbass!" Well, haters, SHUT UP!

These bad boys are price-pointed with Bud, Miller, Yuengling etc. The ABV is a poundable 4.4%. Taste is smooth and delicious and apparently they are going to be released in 24 packs. Now if that is not a summer pounder, I do not know what is! Stay tuned to my instagram story (@proctorstype) grass cutting sessions and you are likely to see some of these empties strewn throughout the yard.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A new low point for this site and the haters are all over it

Here I am trying to help you all out by sharing my favorite smoothie recipe (here) and the DMs are out of control. The vitriol that has flown from the haters into my DMs is immeasurable. Here is a small sampling:

"This smoothie has almost 700 calories in it. Thanks for nothing."

"Where is the spinach, asshole?"

"Can we please get Crosby's smoothie recipe?"

"Count me out: this horrible smoothie recipe"

"I can tell by just reading this that the consistency is off. Go to hell."

"Can I recommend an addition to this recipe for your next smoothie? Arsenic."

"I know a Nigerian Prince who will publish your smoothie recipe book, please send me life savings."

"Five Sentence Story: I read the smoothie recipe post. I unfollowed @Proctorstype on Twitter. I unfollowed Proctorstype on Instagram. I de-friended Eric on Facebook. I permanently blocked on my browser. I wish him nothing but the worst."


Monday, March 12, 2018

Legit Smoothie Recipe

in a nutribullet (or blender)

2 scoops chocolate whey protein powder
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 banana
2 (or 3, *wink*) tbsp peanut butter
Water to fill line

Blend it all up, good af. 

Sunday, March 11, 2018

A poem for today

"Fixed" the garage door opener
So I cracked a couple
It only two colds
Not like I'm seeing double

Hit the outlet mall
Snagged some new pants
Steamed at NCAA
Bringin' fire rants

Reunited with favorite jeans
They call em' Lucky®
Congrats on the SEC
To the rival, Kentucky

It's something of a traditon
We call it "Sunday colds"
They flow so easy
Really something to behold

But it begs the question
How many are in play?
With the looming
International Chest Day