Thursday, February 22, 2018

Prologue to Five Sentence Story #9

Me and a couple of the boys are about to hit this wine party so hard. Basically, each of the boys on our three-person boy team bring the same type of shiraz and offer it up against other shirazes. I think the winner, hopefully the boys, gets to keep a bunch of the wine. The boys are not very clear on the rules, but some rules are always in effect: have fun and keep it real with the boys. But first, myself and some different boys, are going to drink some cheap cold ones to cleanse the palate.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

#ConLent update

Well, the haters are having a field day with yesterday's pathetic daily content. In fact, other than a handful of skunk fans, even the supporters thought it was a stinker. On top of the low production quality, my Chief Editor pointed out that the skunk video was also repeat content, since I had posted it on my Instagram Story earlier in the day. Piss poor production and stealing from the Gram story is a recipe for disaster, guys.

I must admit that blogging every day is more difficult that I anticipated. Even five sentence stories are difficult to com up with. Hell, sometimes I ask myself if I subconsciously went with the chinstrap beard just to create some cheap content. Mix in the hater DMs and  #COnLent is in a rough spot.

So what would you guys like? More five sentence stories? Count me out? Relentless lashing out at the haters? Hit the DMs or the comment section so hard with suggestions.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018


When I promised daily content for #ConLent even I did not expect a potential side gig with National Geographic:

Make sure audio is turned up for real-time commentary

Monday, February 19, 2018

Five Sentence Story #8

This morning I looked in the mirror and did not see the man I want to be. Somewhere between stubble and full on beard, my facial hair, as well as my whole being, was having an identity crisis. I ran the blade along my jaw bone and down my neck. Quickly I realized there was no turning back and that I had a one way ticket to "chin-strap" town. Reviews, to this point, have been mixed at best.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Setting the record straight on "goofball"- A guest blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

Dad's insult du jour is calling me and my brother Guy "goofballs". He throws the term around without any thought as to the effect on our psyches. I am sure him and his dad friends will say the term is harmless, as they sit around drinking beer and giggling. Well, my name is Crosby Jane, I have a voice, I have agency, and I am here to tell you that I am not, have never been, and will never be a goofball.

Here is the definition of goofball:
  1. 1.
    a naive, silly, or stupid person.
  2. 2.
    a narcotic drug in pill form, especially a barbiturate.

Does that sound harmless? (rhetorical question, guys) Now, I do not think anyone should be called a goofball, but if someone must be condemned as such, which of the following people better fits the definition:

Person A:
1. Can write their name in standard font and in bubble letters
2. Has nearly perfected a somersault and is progressing towards a cartwheel
3. Creates art in various mediums on a daily basis

Person B:
1. Spends their free time filming themselves talking to a phone and posts it on their "gram story"
2. Frequently takes up to three attempts to say the correct name of their closest friends and family members
3. Falls asleep on the couch with the title screen of a movie they've seen twenty times playing over and over

Unlike goofballs, my readers are not naive, so I am confident you know where I am going with this. Those of us who take things seriously and focus on achieving their goals do not appreciate being called a goofball. Not to mention, the insult is dated and completely unoriginal. Now, if you'll excuse me, it is movie night and Sword in the Stone is starting. Only a goofball would blog during movie time.

CJP is a four year old, a student, a big sister, and a frequent contributor to this site.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Count Me Out: sober birthday parties for young kids

(disclaimer: "Count me out" is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

I just got home from my nephew's first birthday party at my parent's house. Everyone had an absolute blast. Jude, the one year old, bonked around, got his own cake, and received a ton of gifts. Jude's cousins, including my children, were ecstatic eating treats and commandeering all of Jude's toys for their own personal use. But what about the parents? Did we sacrifice our afternoon for the sake of their children's fun?  HELL NO. We pounded colds!

It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The kids are partaking, why not the adults? Unfortunately, some parents view having copious amounts of alcohol at a young child's birthday party as some type of faux pas. "It should be about the kids", they say. Well, I say, if you want to have a kid's b-day celebration without libations then COUNT ME OUT. Seriously, your kid may be great and my children may enjoy their party, but I want a frosty cold one in my hand when present time comes around. Plus, if you expect me to hit the "Happy Birthday" jingle hard, then I better have few in me before we start.

We only have so many days on this Earth. And we want our offspring to live vibrant, complete lives. But that does not mean we must sit clear-headed at every anniversary of their or a friend's birth. We as parents want to create our own memories as well. And if it just so happens that those memories are a little hazy,  then so be it.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Five Sentence Story #7

The frigid cold had forced The Parents and The Children to stay in The Home for three days on end. The Children, as can be expected in such a situation, were stir crazy and driving The Parents absolutely bonkers. Exhausted, The Mother pleaded with The Father to come up with a fresh idea to occupy The Children. The Father pondered what could be not only thoroughly entertaining, but also educational for The Children. Suddenly The Father blurted out "follow me children" as he proceeded to fill a glass up with water and set it outside.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Can't stand em (an acrostic)

Haven't you,
A thought in ya damn head,
That maybe, just maybe,
Everything doesn't need your commentary.
Remember, you're not infallible and
Save your BS for the mirror.

Graciousness, give it a try
Or stay the hell out of my DMs.

A good many of us are done,
We aren't taking it anymore.
An uprising, bro,
Your days are numbered.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018


What am I giving up for lent, you ask (or didn't ask)? The last couple of years I have given up "sweets" (a very loose, flexible definition of the word), but it is time to try something new. Maybe I should give up cold ones (slang for beers)? LMAO (laughing my ass off). Not happening, not with our Ireland/Guinness trip on tap (literally and figuratively). Hopefully I am not giving up using parentheses because I am doing a piss poor job of that.

No, I am giving up not blogging every day. I am going to put something on this site every day of lent. There will be "count me out"s, five sentence stories, and some general lashing out at the haters. Some posts will be brief, some will be not well thought out, and some may be outright terrible, but there will be content every day of lent, unless I screw up. I am calling it "conlent" and if you think that is stupid, be prepared, it is likely going downhill from here.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Five Sentence Story #6

Matt's confidence had never been higher as he strolled into his local bank branch and screamed, "I need to speak to the loan officer!" A teller directed Matt to Mr. Londergan's office and then complimented his hair. Matt burst into Mr. Londergan's office and declared "second mortgage, A, S, A, P." Unfazed, Mr. Londergan quickly replied, "well I can certainly help you there, nice hair by the way, are we thinking a swimming pool, maybe finish the basement?" Matt laughed maniacally and pointed at his head, "not a chance bro, I'm going blow out, daily, Drybar®, until all the equity is gone!"