Monday, September 12, 2016

EXPLAINED: "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart

The Heart classic "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" is both powerful and beautiful. But it is also one of the most fucked up songs ever written.

If unfamiliar, please check this out

As a courtesy to my readers, I will walk you through the lyrics of the song in order to show you just how truly messed up the story really is. (The lyrics are in bold and my comments are in italics). 

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
A woman, apparently cruising for loose men, happened upon a woefully under-dressed stranger getting rained on. Seeming to take pity on him, she creeps to a stop and volunteers to drive him. But what are her true motives? (foreshadowing)
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
Possibly lacking verbal skills, the man proves he knows as little about the dangers of accepting rides from strangers as he does about dressing for inclement weather by accepting the narrator's proposition with a smile. The two drive aimlessly for reasons unknown. 
I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Preferring to think of her passenger as possibly-under-aged and wet, she declines to ask his name.
Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight
Wait, what? The aimless, silent driving has apparently created quite a spark between the two. She asks fate (which does not make any sense when you think about it) if the two of them are now in love. It is unknown what, if anything, fate answers.
Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night
This does not make any sense at all, but it is clear she wants him to spend the night.
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I want to do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
In the hopes that he will accept, the narrator proposes that they have sex. As part of her selling of the idea, she emphasizes her arms and that them having sex is her singular focus.
So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
For some reason they have to locate a hotel that she knows the exact location of. She has spent a lot of time there. This is something of a plot-hole, which will be explained later.

We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
Apparently the hapless nitwit is a very capable lover.
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
She slipped out before he awoke and she left him a note with an extremly confusing analogy. 
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there
She asks him not to try and locate her, but demands that he stay in her memory. Both requests are odd. If he wants to find her, it will not be hard, considering that she frequents the hotel they just spent the night in. And the second line sounds like something from Inception.
All I want to do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All want to do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
The primary theme is really driven home.
Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
They run into one another and she has birthed his child. He is shocked.
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can
She makes one perfectly reasonable request: that he accept that she sought him out, used him for his sperm, had his child without telling him or ever intending to tell him, and that she was in love with an impotent man, and not him, the entire time.
STILL UNANSWERED: So if she was in a relationship the whole time, why did she know the hotel so well? Did she repeat this same scenario over and over until pregnant? And if so, why did she think her and the lonely boy in the rain were fated to be with one another? 
All I want to do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too
All I want to do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too
All night long...
More of this... 

Sunday, September 11, 2016

"Little Bro is Turning One"- A Guest Blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

Tomorrow is Guy's first birthday, but we are celebrating today. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. Most of the main players (Nana, Grammy, Papa, Papaw etc.) will be here and the treats will be given out willy-nilly. Yours truly will almost certainly be charged with opening all the gifts, primarily because Guy would just try to eat all the wrapping. Unfortunately, Dad will feel the need to intervene with the occasional "now, Crosby, you know those are Guy's gifts, not yours". Yes, Dad, I know that, that is why I am writing it now, six hours before the party. It will not be necessary to reiterate at any point during the party.

As for Dad, he is masquerading as if he is not turning this party into exactly what he wants. First off, Mom told him "hey, your parents want to know if they can bring anything". To which he stammered and replied "uhhh, I guess we could tell them to bring... beer", as if this is some novel idea and he does not always ask his parents to bring beer to every get together. Second, we are having pizza and Dad keeps saying "I'm okay with whatever kind you all want", which sounds like he is being flexible, but is really just a factual statement that he loves all kinds of pizza. Finally, we are having the party in one of his favorite places: the backyard. He will set up the tent for shade, get out the corn-hole boards, and make a playlist of some of HIS favorite music. Fortunately, the over/under on someone asking him to turn the music down is about five minutes.

Despite Dad trying to make the party his own, we all understand that it is for Guy. That is why Mom and I made him his own cake and he is going to get to stay up until 7:30, a whole half-hour past his bedtime. He will get some gifts and probably some cash for his college fund. Hopefully, he gets some kind of scholarship so he can "bonk" beers at some state school and I can use the remainder of his fund to begin my study abroad (Paris). 

Being a one year old is a big deal. I would know because I have been there and done that. You learn to walk around and get some words going, most of which benefit yourself (more, mommy, daddy etc.). One-year-olds have to kick the formula, which is tough at first, but once you go milk, you never go back. The best thing about being one? NO ACCOUNTABILITY! Want to grab a knife? Go for it! Because safety is the primary concern, discipline gets thrown out the window. Sometimes, I long for the days of being one, but then I remember the perk of being two: screen time! The house rules say no TV for Guy. Which makes this picture I snapped while Dad was watching Guy yesterday all the more interesting...
Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributor to