Friday, March 16, 2018

“Fish and frites”, kiss my ass

Just received an email for a St. Patrick’s Day meal that listed “fish and frites” as one of the menu options. IT IS CALLED FISH AND CHIPS. I would know, it is tied for my favorite meal (pizza). “Frites”, come on, seriously, they are french fries, they are delicious, and they don’t need to be propped up with some fancy name.

With my family headed to Ireland, I will not be attending this dinner, rather, I will be eating “fish and chips” every damn day for the next two weeks.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

#ConLent, lessons learned

Well guys, I screwed up. I promised daily content during lent without considering that Saturday the family and I are headed to Ireland for our two week adventure. The odds of me finding wifi, abandoning my family, and banging out some #ConLent are very low. It would also be fairly pathetic, when you think about it.

"Hang on family, we can't go to this old castle because I need to find a Starbucks so that I can come up with a five sentence story or lash out at the haters." Or even better (worse), "I would like to experience the cliffs, but the supporters are awaiting the continuation of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of Gorillas." (seriously, what the hell was I thinking with that). Not happening.

All in all, I feel like this has been a successful run, with some results more successful than others. Here is a ranking of your all's favorite types of content, based on stats:

1. Crosby blogs
2. Guy blogs
3. Count Me Out
4. Comments from the haters
5. Lashing out at the NCAA
6. Lashing out at the haters
7. Five Sentence Stories

999. count down of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of gorillas

1,000,000. Smoothie recipes

For the supporters, I will try and get some content up while in Ireland, but it is more likely to be on Instagram. And do not fret, there will be more content on this site soon. I can't leave the haters starving.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A new contender for cold pounder of the summer

Oberon day is two weeks away. Yuengling is now sold in KY. Stones and Nattys come in 15 packs. Summer pounding decisions were going to be hard enough before I drank Founders Solid Gold. Here come the haters: "Wait, you can't pound Founders morning to night, in the heat, too expensive, too much abv, dumbass!" Well, haters, SHUT UP!

These bad boys are price-pointed with Bud, Miller, Yuengling etc. The ABV is a poundable 4.4%. Taste is smooth and delicious and apparently they are going to be released in 24 packs. Now if that is not a summer pounder, I do not know what is! Stay tuned to my instagram story (@proctorstype) grass cutting sessions and you are likely to see some of these empties strewn throughout the yard.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A new low point for this site and the haters are all over it

Here I am trying to help you all out by sharing my favorite smoothie recipe (here) and the DMs are out of control. The vitriol that has flown from the haters into my DMs is immeasurable. Here is a small sampling:

"This smoothie has almost 700 calories in it. Thanks for nothing."

"Where is the spinach, asshole?"

"Can we please get Crosby's smoothie recipe?"

"Count me out: this horrible smoothie recipe"

"I can tell by just reading this that the consistency is off. Go to hell."

"Can I recommend an addition to this recipe for your next smoothie? Arsenic."

"I know a Nigerian Prince who will publish your smoothie recipe book, please send me life savings."

"Five Sentence Story: I read the smoothie recipe post. I unfollowed @Proctorstype on Twitter. I unfollowed Proctorstype on Instagram. I de-friended Eric on Facebook. I permanently blocked on my browser. I wish him nothing but the worst."


Monday, March 12, 2018

Legit Smoothie Recipe

in a nutribullet (or blender)

2 scoops chocolate whey protein powder
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 banana
2 (or 3, *wink*) tbsp peanut butter
Water to fill line

Blend it all up, good af. 

Sunday, March 11, 2018

A poem for today

"Fixed" the garage door opener
So I cracked a couple
It only two colds
Not like I'm seeing double

Hit the outlet mall
Snagged some new pants
Steamed at NCAA
Bringin' fire rants

Reunited with favorite jeans
They call em' Lucky®
Congrats on the SEC
To the rival, Kentucky

It's something of a traditon
We call it "Sunday colds"
They flow so easy
Really something to behold

But it begs the question
How many are in play?
With the looming
International Chest Day

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Count Me Out: Blow Drying of Genitalia in the Locker Room

(disclaimer: "Count me out" is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

Our gym locker room has a hairdryer affixed to the wall, presumably to allow men with wet hair to use it to dry their hair. Instead, what I see all-too-frequently is a fully nude man, leg up on the bench, blowing hot air directly onto his crotch. Seriously, its an epidemic.

I do not understand the point, why is it imperative to get your crotch dry as quickly as possible? Why is the typical towel-method acceptable for every other part of the body, except the genitals? Not only does this act seem unnecessary, it seems painful as well. Does it actually feel good, like some type of pleasure pain? I wouldn't know and do not care to find out, COUNT ME OUT!

It should also be noted that this particular hair dryer is positioned on a wall very close to the entrance. An unsuspecting dude, thinking they are entering a normal locker room, can turn a corner and be greeted by a (literally) hot crotch. This is not something I want to be a part of, hell, I do not even think I would wish this on the haters. In the end, I guess it is your right to blow dry your crotch in front of God and everybody, but COUNT ME OUT!

Friday, March 9, 2018

#15, Countdown: The Killers' Best Songs and Badass Gorilla Pictures

The Killers are my favorite band, gorillas are my favorite animals, and I need content. Obviously, I need to tell you all my fifteen favorite Killers' songs and post the top results of a "badass gorilla" Google Search.


The Killers- On Top
A deep cut from Hot Fuss, really gets the blood pumping and colds flowing. 


Thursday, March 8, 2018

Happy International Women’s Day

Not to brag, but I have been voted the most pro-woman person in my office. So this is kind of my day too. lol. Jk. Big ups to women!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Five Sentence Story #10

Chris peeked through his across-the-hall neighbor's cracked door and noticed she was struggling hanging a picture. He knocked and announced "need any help in there?" The neighbor approached the door and asked "help with what?" Without hesitation Chris delivered his prepared line, "well you are using a stud finder and it must have worked, because here I am." The neighbor called the police and Chris was arrested.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Hotel Guy

I am a hotel guy, which means I love hotels and qualifies me for a free night's stay at the new Omni Hotel in Louisville. It looks to be an absolute immaculate facility, but I need to be sure before I can fully endorse on One night's stay, or maybe two, with meals provided, for myself and my wife, could potentially get a positive review. It seems like a no-brainer for the General Manager, but we shall see.

Is it better than the Marriott in Dayton Ohio where I had an absolute blast during a week long training for work in June of last year? Don't know. That place had a an indoor pool, large patio area (with firepits), and a free shuttle that took us to all the hottest spots in a jiffy. Can The Omni beat that? There website and Instagram account (of which I have been a loyal follower and liker) seems to imply as much, but I cannot be sure until I get a whiff of that lobby. I imagine the management of The Omni catches my drift, but let me be frank, I want to stay at your hotel and you need my positive review. Let's make this happen. Hit the DMs to arrange. 

Monday, March 5, 2018

An Old Birthday Card I Gave My Mom

Today my mom texted a picture of a birthday card from me that she found while "going through some stuff". My best guess is it was from some time in the mid-90s, considering that is when I was into The Far Side and I was drawing my own comic, "Dork in a Bottle".

Check it out:
Throwback Content

I am sure you have a few questions:

1) Did you used to call yourself "Stoney"?
2) Was "Dork in a Bottle" a big deal?
    For a time, yes.
3) What became of dumb guy in a chair?
4) What did your mom think of the card?
  I would like to say "she liked it", but maybe "it concerned her" would be more appropriate.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Crosby is her father's daughter

The family was walking home from the grocery store and we saw a bird. The following exchange took place:

Laura: "Look guys, a bird."
Guy: "A bird, a bird!"
Crosby: "I am going to grab it"
Laura: "No, that's not kind, that will hurt the bird."
Me: "Yeah, uh, we aren't going to do that, uh, will probably fly away soon anyway"
Guy: "Don't hurt bird!"
Crosby: "Yeah, Guy,  don't hurt the bird, we love the birds"
Me: "Uhh, didn't..."
Crosby (confidently): "Guy said he was going to grab the bird, I told him not to."
Me: "Oh ok, yeah Guy, let's be nice to the bird."

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Count Me Out: Balsamic

(disclaimer: "Count me out" is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

I was at Lunch Club last week and the usual "what did you bring?" went around. One of my cohorts declared their balsamic salad dressing and became, for some, the belle of the ball. The club fawned over the dressing as if it was sent from above. I, a reasonable person, on the other hand, quickly proclaimed "fuck that". And I said that because balsamic sucks ass.

"Well do you not like balsamic or balsamic vinaigrette?", the hipster asked. Well, I do not know or care to know the difference, it is all equally terrible. It may have been trendy in 2k5 to eat balsamic, but the ruse is over. Balsamic is horrible, always has been ,always will be. Balsamic, be it in a pure form or a vinaigrette, is Satan's milk. Seriously, it makes me sick that so many people choose associating with balsamic over actually improving themselves. We have one life on this Earth, stop wasting your time pretending you like a trendy dressing and live your life. 

After all, the true test of a dressing is whether or not you would dip a french fry in it. Obviously, no one would ever dip a beautiful, crispy french fry into millennial garbage such as balsamic. We want Ranch! We want Honey Mustard! Hell, we will take some Russian/French! Anything except balsamic vinaigrette.

Friday, March 2, 2018

At a fantasy baseball draft, gonna throw some thoughts out and call it content

1) Having a blast
2) Just spent big on Ohtani
3) Gonna crack another cold one
4) this is crappy content
5) something good coming
6) Chad ordered pizza including Dominos® Garlic Knots®, v good
7)Got my all time favorite player, Miggy
8) None of you all give a fuck
9) This content is low, may not improve
10) Greg Holland is a free agent
11) Just cracked an Oberon, a 2k17 Oberon
12) Will be in Ireland on 2k18 Oberon day, ice some of them MFs for me
13) Wondering if keeping Joe Panik was a good move
14) This is horrible content
15) SMDH
16) IDFK
17) low on content
18) ready for the haters
19) got my fave player ever, Miggy, hope you all are happy for me but you are not
20) can't stand the haters

Thursday, March 1, 2018

The DMs after yetserday's post

I acknowledge that last night's content for ConLent (So Steamed- Shout Spray) was not the best. In fact, it was extremely weak. Ok, fine, it was fucking horrible. But I did tell you all that blogging every day during Lent would produce some low lows. Despite my warning, the DMs, primarily from the haters, blew up after last night's ConLent disaster. Here are a few of the "best" from last night:

"Severely stupid shit!"
-A hater

"Doing laundry? Eat a Tide Pod while you're at it!"
-A hater

"I hope u go 2 jail 4 bad content."
-A youthful hater

"Fake news! #MAGA"
-A Russian Bot hater

"Eric, you ok? Call me."
-My Mom, not a hater