Wednesday, December 23, 2015

New Year's Resolutions for 2k16

Starting with a handful of New Year's resolutions greatly enhances the likelihood that one actually sticks.  Here are mine for 2k16:

1.  Learn to play Coldplay's "Clocks" on piano

It may be time to retire this one.  The original plan, from the early-mid 2000s, was to learn how to play this enchanting riff in order to impress at parties.  That never happened.  Now, even if I did learn how to play it despite not owning a piano or knowing how to play one, many of my dreamed-up party-goers would not recognize the song or would wonder why in the hell I was playing a decade-plus old song on a piano.  Could still be cool though?

2,  Enter something at the Kentucky State Fair

I know there are vast amounts of quality arts and crafts entries in the various state fair competitions.  But let's be honest, there is a bunch of bullshit there too.  And I certainly do not blame these people entering the bullshit because they get free passes and parking.  Hell, I want to be one of those people.  I take pictures on instagram (@proctorstype, please follow) of kids (mine), pizza, beer, my compost bin, etc.  I could blow any of these pictures up, print it, enter it, and the next thing you know I have freed up serious money for the beer tents.

I could call this silly picture "two of my favorite things w/ hand" and it would be in the upper 50% of all photos entered.
3.  Resolve my complicated relationship with Twitter

pre- @proctorstype (please follow)

My first foray into twitter was an unmitigated disaster.  I think my name was the now-defunct @proc5000.  I had over 10k tweets that mostly consisted of "live-tweeting" Saved by the Bell reruns (which I found hilarious, but wrecked havoc on my friend's feeds) and vanilla comments on games I was watching such as "good hit Miggy!".  It was really profound stuff.

The development of @proctorstype (please follow) and @proctorssports (really dumb, don't follow)

When something is going poorly, it is best to divide into two shit-shows instead of one.  I started a sports-only twitter called @proctorssports and it is a lot of "way to go Cards" and "that's a bad call!"  I really do not recommend wasting your time by looking at it.

I also started @proctorstype which is at something of a make or break point.  Currently, it is mainly RTs of interesting articles and links to this blog.  If I think of something I feel is tweet worthy I either forget it, put it on Facebook, or get all long-winded about it and blog instead.  In 2k16 I would like to get those tweets out there and finally have some type of resolution one way or the other.  

4.  Finish the absurd "Top 10 players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" countdown

Saturday, December 19, 2015

My favorite songs vs. Dad's favorite songs- A Guest Blog By Crosby Jane Proctor

One gene that I know I got from my dad is a love of rankings/lists (poor example).  With this in mind I asked that he rank his five favorite songs of all time and submit it to me so I can compare his selections to my own.

Dad's Choice: "Nightswimming" by R.E.M

Dad always says he "loves a good piano" in his music.  He also said this song has a beautiful...oh, sorry, I fell asleep while listening to this boring song.  This is supposed to be the 5th best song ever, not REM's 38th best song.

My Choice: The Snowkey Pokey

My teachers kind of forced my hand with this one.  They love us singing it so much I would feel bad not putting it on the list.  Basically, it is the hokey pokey with a winter theme.  For example, in lieu of "hands" you put your left and right "mittens" in and out then shake them all about.  

Dad's Choice: "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins

I think I am sensing a theme here.  Find a 90's alternative band and then select their slowest song so that you can talk about how "deep" the lyrics are.  And what an uplifting song it is!  Billy Corgan said he did not have the guts to kill his parents so he wrote this song instead. I am going to just let that linger (speaking of early 90s alternative bands) while readers consider that this Debbie Downer song is supposedly the 4th best of all time.

My Choice:  "Badlands" by Bruce Springsteen

Finally some gusto!  This song takes me back to my younger days...

Dad's Choice: "I realize I have to do a tie because I forgot one"  UGH 
"The Cave"- Mumford and Sons TIED with "Mr. Tambourine Man"- Bob Dylan

Setting aside the ridiculousness that is the "tie", there are a couple glaring problems here.  First of all, there should be a caveat for The Cave because he usually does not start listening to it until he has had at least 6 beers and then it is on REPEAT.  There is no middle ground with that one.

Mr. Tambourine Man is a beautiful song, well at least the Byrds version is, but he says he prefers this one.  Not that you would get to listen to it anyway because the second it comes on dad will tell anyone that will listen that the song is actually about buying drugs.  Whoopty doo.  Most people know that and even if they don't, they certainly would like to hear the song in its entirety before learning of that "interesting" interpretation.

My Choice: "Shake that body" - As performed by mom

When I was so little that I was still bathing in the kitchen sink, mom would get me out of the portable tub and, before drying me off, would sing a song called "shake that body" while making me dance.  Everyone loved it and thought it was the funniest thing.  Luckily, I enjoyed it too because I did not have much of a say in the matter.

Dad's Choice: "The River" by Bruce Springsteen

Slow?  Check.  Long?  Check.  Sad?  Check.  There was a bunch of stuff from him about how this used to be #1 for the longest time but blah blah blah, something something.  Anyway, it certainly fits dad's criteria.

My Choice: The entire Raffi Live album

Nana got me this album because she knew I would like it.  I also know that dad does not like it, so I listen to it often.  These are fun songs made for children and I am a two year old, but some people just do not get that.  Nana and Crosby 1, Dad 0.  

Dad's Choice: "Read my mind"- The Killers

I have heard that when this song was popular dad wanted to recreate the above video with his friends.  Well, that sounds ridiculous even if it came to fruition.  But my guess is a single camera was never even turned on.  The time commitment would have really cut into his bachelor "chill" time.  Not to mention, the video was filmed in Japan.  I would venture to guess the travel portion of the non-existent production budget would not have covered that cost.  Solid song, but again, a little slow for my taste.

My Choice: "Ol' Dan Tucker"- as performed by Bruce Springsteen

As you may have garnered from my #2, dad does not like "music made for children", so he tracked down his copy of the chronically-under-rated We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions album that Bruce made about 10 years ago.  He thought I would like it.  I do, well at least I like the first song: Ol' Dan Tucker.  The rest of the album is a mystery because as soon as Dan Tucker ends I scream "Dan Tucker" until he plays it again,  Sometimes he has the audacity to say "well don't you want to listen to Jesse James (the second track) too?"  No.  If I wanted to listen to a song called "Jesse James" I would not scream "Dan Tucker".  I got left off of the Bruce Springsteen ticket list, but if I can finagle my way in there then be on the lookout for a "Dan Tucker" sign to let Bruce know what to play.


Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributing blogger to

Monday, December 14, 2015

More bros in the sauna than in the gym

I am currently sitting in the YMCA sauna with four other guys.  It is not a large sauna.  (Make that five other guys.)  it is quite the scene:

Me:  I may as well be a Busch light can sitting here sweating.  Stayed up to watch Tommy and the boys take It to JJ and sucked the life out of some cold ones.  Now just picture a human-sized beer can in the sauna, it's the best mental image.

New guy: just walked in and poured some water on the ELECTRIC heater.

Confused guy:  brought Dumbbells into the sauna

Other new guy: just asked to borrow Dumbbells...maybe I am the one who is confused?

I am sweating too much to type any more.  Just know it was weird in here this morning.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#1)

Ahhh, the great reveal that at least three people have been waiting for.  Over the past nearly two and a half years I have been counting down a concurrent list of the top ten NBA players and "cheap American beers".  The NBA player list is now pure comedy (see Dwight Howard at #6), however the beer rankings are still fairly consistent.

You can catch up on #2-10 here.

#1 LeBron James/ Yuengling

Torch Holder
I mentioned above that, due to the amount of time that has passed since I began this list, the NBA player rankings are ridiculous.  However, LeBron being #1 is as true now as it was then.  Look no further than last year's NBA finals for proof of this.  LeBron (and the Cavs?), without Love or Kyrie, took two games from the historically great Warriors.  Imagine if the alleged NBA Finals MVP (Iguodala, don't worry I forgot too) and LeBron switched teams.  The Warriors would have swept and won every game by 20 or more points.  Hell, if you switched Steph and LeBron, I still don't think the Cavs would have gotten one.  Everyone always wants to give the "best in their sport" torch to someone else way too quickly.  LeBron still dominates the league.

Pre-marriage and pre-kids, Laura and I went to Tampa to visit some of her family and take a cruise (~75 years ago).  While perusing the beer aisle at the grocery store I found beer that was both something I have never had before and price-pointed similarly to Bud or Miller.  I do not remember the exact date (SPOILER ALERT:  I pounded copious amounts of Yuengling and its a little fuzzy), but it is certainly one that changed my life.  Yuengling is the very definition of "cheap" and "American", basically a runaway winner.  They go down smooth enough to be a daytime grip & rip, but have enough bite to crack the first one after sundown.

Many readers, including local ones, are unable to purchase Yuengling in their state.  This makes it something of a commodity.  And not to get too personal, but it has caused something of an internal struggle for me.  Do I over-value Yuengling because it is a somewhat rare treat?  Or do I simply love it for what it is?  I cannot answer these questions here. But I can declare Yuengling to be the quintessential "cheap American beer".

Saturday, December 5, 2015

""My Potty Journey": An Update" - A Guest Blog By Crosby Jane Proctor

Loyal readers will remember that I recently wrote about learning to use the restroom.  Well, the process is going swimmingly.  The only problem is that I did not deem it a "journey".  Everything is a journey nowadays, from weight loss to education to quitting smoking.  Potty training is certainly deserving of the moniker as well.  Plus, people like to read about journeys and I am now vested in increasing the sorry readership of this blog.  
This does not even include all the times I go at school.
As for my journey: the stickers are beginning to overlap and freeze-dried mangoes have been added to the treat container, so, the epitome of success.  I am the Golden State Warriors of potty training. (sorry, dad insists on sports analogies even though they are unnecessary and alienating for a portion of the readership).  

Speaking of dad, I would be remiss to not mention his absurd attempt at tagging along on my potty training journey.  You may remember from my previous post that he mentioned he wanted his own sticker chart.  Well, some friends (read: enablers) of his brought this absurdity to fruition:
I have to admit I am a tad jealous of his sticker selection.
Needless to say, this made dad downright giddy.  I caught him putting stickers on and giggling to himself this morning.
Way to go on the straight lines...lame.
Of course he is not even tracking correctly.  Five total stickers?  Once he starts "pounding brews" he is in there five times an hour.  He will get over this soon enough...I hope.


Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributing blogger to