Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#2)

Over two years ago I set out to countdown the top 10 NBA players and top 10 cheap American beers concurrently through a series of blogs.  This has become, without a doubt, the laziest and most pathetic venture yet by this blog.  I started strong, but put off finishing the list over and over.  A lot of things change over two years and some of the rankings seem downright foolish now.  If you are new to the countdown, click below to catch up and laugh at my disjointed rankings up to this point.  Otherwise, let's get this over with.

Catch Up:

#2 Kevin Durant/ Keystone Light

When I began this countdown, #2 seemed like the perfect spot for KD.  He won the MVP that year and many were starting to (wrongly) believe that he was the best player in the league.  Now he has a lingering foot injury.  When he is healthy, he is a scoring machine.  In fact, if we assume health (and we will, because who gives a shit), I think #2 is still appropriate.  

Here is a terrible picture of me with a beautiful special edition stoner can.  Cheers!
Keystone light is so damn good.  It makes me feel special.  It makes me feel complete.  I have been drinking keystones longer than many of you all have been alive and I do not plan on stopping.  Hell, I once bought a 12 pack for $4.99!  It remains the go-to to this day when I am low on funds but long to be high on fun.  Even if I start with quality brews, there is no reason to not gear-down into some stoners in order to finish off the evening.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Crosby's 2nd Birthday Video

I made Crosby a video for her second birthday.  She is the real deal.  Check it out: full screen, volume on.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Day of rest? Not for your oral hygiene!

 Today is Sunday, a traditional day of rest for many.  Your mind and body may be tired from a long work week and/or an intense Saturday night.  It only seems right to relax and recharge the proverbial batteries.  Heck, resting on Sunday is even biblical.  

But there is one (hopefully) routine task that cannot take Sunday off: brushing your damn teeth!  That's right, you have to get out of bed at least twice today to get the chompers clean.  In fact, Sunday should be a time to give your entire mouth a thorough deep clean.  Think of the difference between "detailing" your car and merely "cleaning" it and apply that to your teeth and gums.  

Hit them first with just water on the brush and scrub the hell away.  Then grab some floss and rip 'n roar on those gaps.  I bet some of that caramel from those delicious Rolos on Tuesday is still tucked away in there.  Now load that brush up with approximately three peas worth of paste (I don't give a shit if you have fluoride in there or not, that's your choice) and start grinding away on those bad boys.  You like a circular motion?  Maybe the old back n' forth?  It doesn't matter as long as you are applying the same pressure you would use to scrub the residue from an unwanted bumper sticker off of a new-to-you car!  If you feel the tendons in your arm tiring just think about a whole week's worth of coffee festering on your once-white teeth.  Finally, you need a liquid finisher: mouthwash, coconut oil, or even warm salt water.  Get a big gulp in there and swish FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE!  You can do it, just go mentally to a different place if it gets tough around the 45 second mark.  Spit that out and the you are instantly rewarded by seeing your success as particles of who-knows-what goes down the drain. 

Last, but not least, I don't want to hear about "but it's football day" from any of you.  There is no London game today, so you aren't on the clock until 1 o'clock.  You are going to be invading your mouth with cold ones, wing sauce, and chips!  You need to be prepared.  Set your fantasy lineups, hit the teeth as discussed above, veg out, then hit them again during 60 minutes before the night game.  That way, when you yell when your team scores you won't have your fellow game-watchers passing put from your putrid breath.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Corduroy unloads on Puppy

Way to ruin Halloween, Puppy.  Hmmmm...what should you do?  I don't know, maybe you could muster one ounce of gumption and make a second attempt at putting your costume together.  Or you could get a job, save up, and buy a new costume.  Either way, you need to stop coming to me with all of your problems.  

And didn't you say this costume was going to be special?  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even if properly assembled, that wasn't going to any awards. I swear, if you cause us to miss one second of trick or treating, this will be the least of your worries.