Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Ten Year High School Reunion

Through the power of Facebook Events I have been invited to my ten year high school reunion.  Thank God, my blogger's block is gone, I now have something to write about!  I have thought long and hard about what exactly I will say about the reunion.  Would I write a depressing, woe-is-me, my life is over, I'm so old etc. pile of garbage?  Would I make a fact table with the price of a loaf of bread, gallon of milk, and postage stamp from 2001 (and then sell it at Cracker Barrel's gift shop)?  Although both seem like great ideas, I am going to go a different route and go into the psychology of my decision of whether or not to attend, as well as my best guess as to what would go on if I do attend.

Should I go?
Attending, Maybe, Not Attending....those are my choices.  Lets delve into the reasoning behind each choice.

Many people have already chosen "Attending".  These former duPont Manual students jumped at the opportunity and have already said whether or not they are a "plus 1".  I can think of exactly seven reasons why someone would quickly choose "Attending" when invited to their high school reunion.

1.  They have been in a coma since the summer of 2001 and would jump at the chance to meet with a large group of people who have been coherent during the time frame.
2.  They want to find out who was passing the herpes around at the after-prom party.
3.  They want to get drunk and call their high school girlfriend's current husband an asshole and say something explicit about the night she lost her virginity.  For this guy anything less than being escorted outside will be a failure; an arrest would be ideal.
4.  They have finally finished their residency and are officially a Doctor (is that how it works?).  Every second of the evening will be filled with hoping a former classmate chokes on a sweet mint or someone goes into labor.
5.  They have moved to a foreign country (or New York) and want to bitch about Louisville's "lack of culture".  (Note to this person:  we have Tom's shoes and Almond Milk here too)
6.  They are involved in a pyramid scheme and guilting a large group of drunken comrades into the "plan" could really help their base.
7.  They had a lot of friends in high school and due to common life changes have fallen out of touch with them.  (by far the least likely of all the scenarios)

Should I say "maybe"?  I really don't want to say maybe because I will be doing one of two things...
First off I could be the guy who knows for sure he is going to go but says maybe to make it appear as though there is a chance he has something better going on.  This guy says maybe even if he knows it will undoubtedly be the best event of his life.
Description:  We planned a party for YOU!  All of your closest friends and family members are going to dedicate 24 hours to you and allow you to go and do whatever you may desire.  There will not be anyone attendance you won't want there.  You wont have to pay for a thing and are welcome to purchase anything you want.  There is absolutely nowhere else you would want to be in the world.

Then there is the guy who says maybe even though he knows there is not a chance in hell he is going to participate.
Description:  We have planned a torture session for YOU!  We are going to rip your teeth out one by one and then break each of your fingers with a hammer!  At that point we may or may not cut your balls off!  We should mention you will be strangled the entire time.  There is not a chance in hell you will survive!

I can safely say I am crossing a reply of "maybe" off the list.  My last option is not attending.  To this point in time only 6 people have said they are not attending.  I assume all of these people are in far away places and would like to attend but logistically cannot.  Do I want to be the first bitter asshole who says "not attending" without any viable excuse whatsoever?  Should I post on the event wall that I am not attending because I plan on drinking mike's hard and watching the first 48 like I do the other 51 Saturdays of the year?  The quick "not attending" is a bold move and not something I am sure I can handle.

At this point I am leaning towards "attending" but first I need to think about this long and hard...

What will it be like?
The only past experience I have to draw on in our unofficial five year reunion.  The event took place at some bar.  I arrived, ordered a Jager bomb and a Grey Goose on the rocks (pretty sweet drink selection, although I doubt anyone noticed) and commenced to looking for the four or five friends I had in high school.  It didn't take long to notice that there was only one person there who knew who I was.  I followed this person around, tried to mingle, and quickly realized that they had many other people they wanted to be around more than me.  After a couple more Jager bomb and Grey Goose rounds, I was standing alone and had a $45 bar tab.  I managed to talk sports with a couple random patrons at the bar and headed home.

I understand that an experience such as this sounds great to many people but it is not really my cup of tea.  Honestly, it reminded me of the fake party I described in the "maybe attending" section of this blog.   However, I am going to give this reunion the benefit of the doubt, look at it with an open mind and relate to the reader what I believe this reunion will be like...

My high school set some type of record for the most national merit scholars in the state.  With this in mind, I imagine the national merit scholars and non-national merit scholars being put into separate rooms upon entry.  The room for the national merit scholars will have an "eclectic grouping of cheeses and wines from around the world"  The room for the non-national merit scholars will have a lot of toys and jungle gym equipment to accommodate the large group of children that were had outside of wedlock.  The national merit scholars will play a game in which they drop their copy of the next great American novel into a box in which one lucky person will have their book drawn for a gift certificate to a vegan restaurant.  The non-national merit scholars will have a contest to see who is gainfully employed with the winner winning a large box of diapers.  Being a non-national merit scholar without any children (I think), I cant say I am too excited. Luckily, I have almost six months to make my mind up (and blog about) whether or not to attend.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

News and Notes (06/16/2011)

News and Notes is a new recurring entry to Proctor's Type.  As the creative name would suggest, News and Notes will be filled with a a couple tidbits of information related to the world through the eyes of Proctor's Type.  (Translation:  I haven't put enough thought or effort into coming up with a full blog entry on one subject)  For those of you who are looking for top notch journalism and non-polarizing political commentary please stop reading and ask your parents if they happen to have a VHS recording of Nightline from the late 80s and a VCR to watch it on (if they are a hoarder you are in luck).  For those of you looking for mindless rants about mundane topics and over-reaching, one-sided takes on modern day "issues", look no further...

1.)  Storage Wars is a bunch of bullshit
I will be the first to admit that I love a good A and E show.  Show me a couple camera-loving detectives tracking down leads in the first 48, a crazy person with big piles of shit all over their house or a sad tale of a life lost to drug and alcohol addiction and I am hooked.  However, I cannot give such high praise to Storage Wars.  Storage Wars is without a doubt one of the most contrived, asinine, downright crappy programs ever produced.  Have you all seen this?  If so, can someone please explain to me how EVERY storage unit makes more money for the buyer than he spent on it?  Why wouldn't the buyers catch on to this and buy every one of them?
Even the storage sheds that seem like busts have last second hidden gems that make the purchase worthwhile.  Example:  "Well we spent 800 dollars on this shed and all it has is a bunch of children's stuffed animals, I guess we are fucked.  Oh wait a second... is that a 2nd edition Tweety bird from 1956...holy hell it is!  Thats worth 4000 dollars!"  This leads me to my other point, who values this crap?  Example: "Well we aren't seeing a lot of items worth anything yet, however we do have this urine-soaked newspaper from you think a raccoon pissed on this?  150 dollars, easy."
Maybe I'm not giving the show a fair shake.  Maybe I should become a storage shed buyer, seeing that it is one of the easiest, most lucrative "careers" out there.  But for now I am going to have to say that if I turn A and E on thinking I am going to see someone lose 400 pounds and I end up with this, I am going to throw my remote control through the wall.

2.)  A great way to kill time and spread good faith
I got a wild hair up my ass and decided it would be hilarious to send a group of my friends a picture of myself.  It doesn't sound hilarious in theory but in practice look out for major laughs.  Why would a 27 year old guy send a picture of himself to a random group of mostly male friends in the middle of the day?  In the days we live in of "sexting" and what-not what exactly would you call this?
Imagine checking your phone on a break at work and this is what you see.  I haven't talked to many of the recipients in months and this is the lone communication we have had.  You should try it. The responses are the funniest part (not replying to the responses adds to the weirdness of the whole situation).  Here are some hilarious replies I received:

1) "U laying on the floor?"
2) "What exactly am I looking at here?"
3) "I am aroused"
4) "Why did you send me this?  Haha its weirrrd"
5) "Why are you sending me pictures of you?"

and my favorite, from my mom (I don't think she got it and was just trying to be supportive)

"Hey good Looking"