Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Baseball (Part 3 of 3)

Now comes the  2011 MLB preview/predications part of my baseball entry.  I can only hope this fares better than my March Madness predictions.  You don't have to worry about bias here, I will simply call it like I see it this year.  You can also expect a blog after the season to see how I did.  I will break down each division with estimated records for each team and a couple of comments.  Then I will go ahead and tell you who will win in the post-season and give out some awards.

The National League East
Philadelphia 101-61
Atlanta         84-78
Florida         81-81
Washington  70-92
New York   66-96

What did you expect?  The Phillies 5 man rotation is Halladay, Cliff Lee, Hamels, Oswalt, and Joe Blanton.  If you assembled the best 5 man rotation from the rest of the division (minus Johan and Strasburg, who are injured) it would be Josh Johnson, Tim Hudson, Tommy Hansen, Javier Vazquez and Derek Lowe....I am not wasting anymore time with this division.
Collector's Item

The National League Central
Cincinnati    90-72
Milwaukee  88-74
Chicago      82-78
St. Louis     80-82
Houston      70-92
Pittsburgh    69-93

I'm going to give this one to Cincy but I think they are barely going to hold off a competitive Milwaukee team with Gallardo/Greinke and Fielder/Braun. I think Cincy has an under-rated rotation and a very good pen to go with their solid offense.  The Cubs stay healthier and have a better than expected above .500 season.  The team that really falls off here is St. Louis who I believe will really miss Wainwright and have trouble staying healthy.  I wish someone would tell me Houston's plan and Pittsburgh...well the Steelers went to the Super Bowl and Sidney Crosby might play hockey again...
I was going to put a picture of Joey Votto, but then i saw this.

The National League West
San Fransisco 99-63
Colorado        91-71 (wildcard)
San Diego       78-84
LA Dodgers   76-86
Arizona           65-97

The once laughable NL West now hosts the defending World Series champion and the team whom I believe will win the National League wildcard.  San Diego takes a step back after a remarkable 2010 and the Dodgers feel the pain of Frank McCourt's divorce, which will be reflected with a trade deadline fire sale.  Arizona....uhhh....ummmm....let me think....
Good Luck

The American League East
Boston        100-62
New York    95-67 (wildcard)
Tampa Bay   88-74
Baltimore      79-83
Toronto        75-87

The same old song and dance with a little bit of a twist.  I think Boston is going to hold a firm grip on the division most of the year.  I heard they made a couple of small off-season acquisitions that could help their team.  New York makes the playoffs despite major rotation issues and Tampa Bay does everything the "right way" while finishing 12 games out.  Baltimore takes a small step forward and Toronto, who usually stays some-what competitive, falls off the wagon.
Bonus Prediction:  Roger Clemens played for three of these teams, so I think this is a fitting place to make my most sure-fire prediction of this entire blog:  Roger Clemens will make a huge ass of himself on multiple occasions in 2011.  Book it.

The American League Central
Detroit         90-72
Chicago       88-74
Minnesota    81-81
Kansas City 68-94
Cleveland     62-100

Now the D can add baseball to their list of this is what we do.  With Victor Martinez and a little bit of health, Detroit gets it together to steal the central.  The White Sox could easily have three players who hit over 40 HRs and bat under .260, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.  Minnesota has too many health question marks and the MLB recently announced that Kansas City and Cleveland  will in fact be fielding a team this year.

Who needs LeBron?!?
The American League West
Seattle    88-74
Texas     84-78
Anaheim 78-84
Oakland 76-86

I'm not going to pick Seattle...  I'm not going to pick Seattle...DAMMIT.  Why do I do this every year?  Texas won't have the pitching.  I have to be honest, I follow baseball pretty closely and I cant tell you what Anaheim's official team name is.  Does Eric Chavez still play for Oakland?  How much can one purchase a paperback version of Moneyball for now?
Does he have 3000 hits yet?
The Playoffs
Divisions: Philadelphia beats Colorado in 5, San Fransisco beats Cincinnati in 4, New York beats Detroit in 5, Boston beats Seattle in 4

Championship Series:  Philadelphia beats San Fransisco in 7, Boston beats New York in 6

World Series:  Philadelphia beats Boston in 6

Pitching wins out.

Al Cy Young: Jon Lester (2. Felix Hernandez 3. Justin Verlander 4. David Price 5. Jared Weaver)
Nl Cy Young: Tim Lincecum (2. Roy Halladay 3. Ubaldo Jiminez 4. Cliff Lee 5.  Zach Greinke)

Al MVP: Miguel Cabrera (2. Adrian Gonzalez 3. Joe Mauer 4. Alex Rodriguez 5. Adam Dunn)
Nl MVP: Troy Tulowitzki (2. Albert Pujols 3. Buster Posey 4. Jay Bruce 5. Joey Votto)

HR Kings: Adam Dunn, Ryan Howard
BA Leaders: Ichiro, Joey Votto

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Baseball (Part 2 of 3)

As discussed in the first part of my Baseball blog, part two will be about what teams I cheer for.  I should say that I will be speaking primarily of Major League Baseball teams I cheer for.  When it comes to college ball I obviously cheer for my University of Louisville Cardinals.  The Cards have established themselves as a perennial top 25 team and play an exciting brand of baseball in beautiful Jim Patterson Stadium.  They also sell dollar beers on Friday (bonus).
As mentioned previously in this blog, growing up in Louisville (where there aren't any professional teams), picking teams to cheer for is an interesting process.  Its not as easy as "I live in Boston, I cheer for the Red Sox" or something to that effect.  One advantage is Louisville residents aren't confined to cheering for a certain team or even just one team for that matter.  Over time I have had three teams I have cheered for and still support them all.  Now before you go and question my "fanhood" or something ridiculous like that, please read the story behind each:

The Chicago Cubs
When I was growing up our cable service had two "super-stations", WGN who showed Cubs and White Sox games and TBS who showed Braves games.  This made for a lot of Cubs and Braves fans here locally.  No one liked the White Sox (no explanation needed).  At the time the Braves were dominating the National League and they had a young Chipper Jones who all the girls (and some of the guys) thought was "cute".  I guess Chipper wasn't my Dad's type because he is a huge Cubs fan.  On top of that, my dad is strictly a Cubs fan, he knows the Cub's entire roster but wouldn't know Hanley Ramirez if he walked up and said "Hi, I'm Hanley".
Hot or not?

Its natural to like the same team as your dad and I did just that.  The Cubs were on TV all the time, they had Sammy Sosa, and of course Harry Caray.  There is only one problem....the Cubs aren't very good.  Sure they've had their moments (2003, 2008) and their big signings (Nomar, Soriano) but all in all they are the "lovable losers".  I can't say that "lovable losers" and Proctor's Type go hand in hand.  Despite this, I still cheer for the Cubs  and I know that one day they will finally win that World Series that has eluded them for so, so long.  And when that moment comes I want to be there watching with my father who has been faithful to the Cubs for all of these years.  Last thought on the Cubs....they are grown men who are called THE CUBS, what can you really expect?

Are you scared yet?
The New York Yankees
It is often said of the Yankees that you either love the Yankees or you hate them.  For years I just assumed I was someone who hated them but I slowly started to question why I would hate the Yankees.  Did I hate that they do anything to win?  Did I hate that they are never content with second place?  Did I hate them because they make more money than anyone else and use that extra money to pay the best free agents?  Did I hate them because they have had much more success than any other Major League team in the history of baseball?  This doesn't sound like a team I would hate...this sounds like Proctor's Type!  

The Yankees don't talk a lot.  The Yankees don't cheat.  The Yankees don't hoard money.  The Yankees go out and do everything in their power to win the World Series every single year and if they don't win it, they did not meet their goal.  How could I hate something I respect so much?  I may not have the emotional connection with the Yankees that I have with the Cubs or the Tigers, but I certainly respect them and more often than not I'll be hoping they bring home yet another championship.  

Top 5 favorite player all time
The Detroit Tigers
It seems like everything that is associated with my beautiful fiancĂ©e Laura turns to gold for me.  I have new family members I love and have made lifelong friends in just a few trips to Michigan.  Along with my personal relationships, I have built new team relationships.  There were always some Tiger's players that I liked but I never followed the team that closely.  That has changed over the last couple of years with me becoming tight with Laura's dad and brother (both big Tigers fans).  Baseball is a great topic of conversation when you are getting to know someone and the Tigers ensure we won't run out of discussion topics.  

My liking the Tigers turned to love after a fantastic trip to beautiful Comerica Park last summer.  Laura and I joined our friends Ryan and Lindsay to see the Tigers beat the Mariners (Ichiro!!). Seeing the statues of Ty Cobb, Hank Greenberg, Al Kaline and some large Tigers in Comerica Park was special and I won't forget my first trip there.  

Lets put it this way....If everything goes as planned I will have my 3'x5' Tigers flag on a 20 foot flag pole in the backyard within the next couple of weeks (fingers crossed).
Misunderstood...just kidding, he was a dick
Stay tuned for my 2011 MLB preview/predictions in part III

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Baseball (Part 1 of 3)

I have been planning to create my 2011 Major League Baseball preview/predictions blog for the last couple of weeks.  I fully plan on making it an annual Proctor's Type blog entry so that we will all have something to look back and laugh at when the season ends.  After some thought, I have decided such an entry should be prefaced by a two part introduction to my love of baseball, with part one being about why I love baseball in general and part two being about my favorite teams and how I came to support them.

Part I

Growing up, I wasn’t very good at baseball.  In little league, I played left field and usually batted towards the bottom of the order.  On many occasions I was told that if I “put my weight behind it” and “ever got a-hold of one” I would hit a home run.   Despite my best efforts (and girth), I only managed to hit it to the fence a couple of times and never joined the elite club that is little leaguers who hit a ball over the fence.  I still had a great time playing and couldn’t wait for every at-bat, confident that my next swing may be “the one”.  While in the field, I wanted a ball hit just the perfect distance in front of me so that I could slide and catch it. 

My years in little league were the extent of my baseball playing career.  Some of the guys I played with made it to the minor leagues and still may get a crack at the bigs.  Even though I never parlayed it into a career, my time in little league will be something I never forget.  It’s crazy that I can remember a singular catch I made when I was 11 years old but can’t remember my 6th grade teacher’s name.   

Baseball is special because it coincides with periods of our lives.  Baseball is played in the summer: kids are out of school, its warm, vacations are taken and it just seems like a period when more time is spent with family and friends.  How often do you hear someone say “do you remember the winter of our sophomore year of college?” or something to that effect?  Never.  It’s always summer , and with summer goes baseball and vice versa. 

I like baseball because every game is entertaining, from little league to the major leagues, the same game is being played, just with the size and skill levels of the players being different.  If I catch a AA game between two teams full of players I have never heard of, I am still going to enjoy myself and follow the game.  A  great curve ball looks amazing whether being thrown by a guy who's college is being paid for by playing baseball or a multimillionaire who has spent more time playing baseball than most people have spent doing anything.  I love a home run whether it is hit by an aluminum Easton or wooden Louisville Slugger.  If you  find yourself with time to just hang out and relax on a warm summer's day, it is always going to be more enjoyable if there is a baseball game going on somewhere around you.

Baseball is great because there is no clock.  In football I freak out with every second that ticks away while my team is losing, and coaches can be fired simply for "poor clock management".  The game of basketball is full of "clocks" and "counts":  the game clock, the shot clock, the difference between the game clock and the shot clock, three seconds in the lane, five seconds to inbounds, ten (or eight) seconds to get it across half court.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't think football and basketball should rid themselves of clocks, I'm simply saying baseball works perfectly without one.  If I sit down to watch an NFL game I know it is perfectly okay to schedule something four hours later (probably a bad idea because I won't be sober).  I can attend a basketball game and be home within three hours 99% of the time.  Baseball games, on the other hand, are scheduled "beginning time-?" (just like cookouts should be).  I've seen innings that last left than five minutes and innings that last over an hour.  I don't have to worry about my team running out of time, there is always time as long as they have an out.  With the constant running and scheduling of our lives it is refreshing to be able to say "I'm going to the ball game, I'll be back when it's over" 

Some people don't like the number of games.  I think it is one of baseball's greatest strengths.  Teams play often and there is enough time for everything to sort itself out.  Your teams whole season doesn't come down to a single elimination tournament.  If your team is fortunate enough to make the playoffs, depending on the level, they will have a 3-5 game series , being allowed to lose at least once and still have a chance.  During the season there is almost always a game on, or one being played close by, the fan doesn't have to wait a large amount of time in between games, cutting down the amount of fretting and "expert analysis" that fills the gaps.  

I have already been to a couple of U of L games, being a trooper in the not-so-warm days of the early collegiate baseball season.  Although these were a nice appetizer, I am ready for the main course, the big show, Major League Baseball.  Opening Day is in a week, I guess I better get started on Part II.....

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Summer Cookout Planning

I was invited to a cookout yesterday, but was unable to attend.  I wish I had of, it sounded like fun, instead I watched my joke of an NCAA bracket completely fall apart (for a good laugh look at my bracket predictions in the previous blog entry).  The thought of a cookout really got me looking forward to the summer and the multiple cookouts I will be hosting/attending.  What makes for a successful cookout?  What would make a simple cookout the greatest day of anyone's life?

Every cookout has its highs and lows, so Proctor's Type has compiled some tips for enhancing your cookout...

1.  Have an open schedule:
All cookouts should be scheduled with a beginning time and an ending time labeled as a question mark.  For example:  "1 PM-?".  A cookout is supposed to be a laid-back, relaxing event, it certainly can not have a rigid schedule.  Your guests will leave when they are ready (unless they pass out) and you certainly wouldn't want to put a scheduled stop to the fun.  If you have a problem with someone overstaying their welcome try under-cooking the meat or playing "Margaritaville" on repeat.

2.  Use a grill:
Option 2
Too often now-a-days people think it is acceptable to have a cookout without a grill.  I've been to the "back to nature" style cookout where a fire is built by hand and everyone picks something out of the garden to roast on the end of a stick.  I have also heard of lazy people plugging their microwave into an outdoor socket and having everyone bring El Monteray® burritos.  These are not viable options!  Your two choices are propane or charcoal...
Option 1

3.  Use Boar's Head® condiments and cheeses:
Although I can't say I have ever personally purchased Boar's Head® products myself, I can tell you from multiple super market samples that they are well worth their cost (2-3x what the Kroger brand costs).  Keep in mind on popular cookout days (4th of July, Labor Day, my Birthday) potential guests are going to have many different cookouts to choose from and most of us will be choosing based on the answer to one simple question "are they going to have Boar's Head condiments and cheeses or that other shit?"

4.  Have a lot of Oberon on hand:
You don't need to be a mathematician to understand this equation:
n=number of people invited, <ob>= number of Oberon bottles that need to be purchased, t=high temperature

<ob>=  (n)(10)+t


For Example:  If you invited 27 people to the cookout and the high temperature is 81 you should purchase 351 bottles of Oberon

*Always round up to make <ob> divisible by six

5.  Rent a Port-a-Potty or face the consequences:

If there is not a Port-a-Potty outside, guests will be allowed to use the bathroom whenever and wherever they want.

6.  Games:

Apparently sitting around and gorging themselves with food and beer is not enough for some people.  We live in a society that is becoming more and more focused on health and physical well-being.  With that in mind, I think it is important to have activities at the cookout to cater to the more active members in attendance.  Now I am not suggesting setting up a P90x station or playing kettle bell toss.  I do think it would be a good idea to have horseshoes and Cornhole (bags) at a minimum.  It has been scientifically proven that playing Cornhole(bags) for an hour burns up to 47 more calories than merely sitting down for that hour!

Feel the Burn!

7.  Music Selection:

In would never have the audacity to tell you exactly what music to play at the cookout, thats something that you will have to decide yourself.  I will suggest 5 songs that you should not play and one you absolutely have to.

Margaritaville- Jimmy Buffett (or any remake)
As mentioned previously, do not play this unless you are sure you want everyone to leave.

Everybody Hurts- R.E.M
Great song, but it might not be the mood you want to set

Regulate- Warren G f. Nate Dogg
Normally a great choice, but the timing may set about a roller coaster of emotions for generation Y

Sweet Home Alabama- Lynard Skynard
Someone is going to tempt you...stand your ground

Any Pink Floyd
Unless you have a laser light show prepared and a pound or two of Marijuana laying around...

The one song you HAVE to play is Kid Rock "Only God Knows Why".  
I know it sounds ridiculous now but wait until the sun goes down and everyone has a buzz on.  It will be a me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

March Madness (with unveiling of my official bracket)

Well its that time of year: work productivity grinds to a halt, everyone tells you their "dark horse" (who they haven't seen play a minute of basketball all year)  and some ass takes a couple minutes of your valuable bracket filling out time to tell you why they "really don't see the point" (shut up!).  March Madness is upon us.  Think about how many people have told you they love this time of the year...and add one more.
The large type and the use of the "bold" prove that I love it even more than those other people.  Therefore it should be obvious that I add my analysis, see what teams are Proctor's Type and unveil my official bracket in the most anticipated blog entry of Proctor's Type young life.

Unlike every other analyzer, I will start with the West Bracket (take that Bilas!).

It goes without saying that every year Duke haters say that they get the "easiest" road to the Final 4 and Duke fans say the exact opposite. I am not a fan of ever saying anyone ever has an easy road to the Final Four.  The day I see Duke as a one seed and a collection of middle school and retirement home teams as the 2-16, I may reconsider.  There is a ton of talent in this region and I don't see Duke having a cake walk at all.

Along with my predictions, I will throw in a few spins on classic analyst topics. Without further ado....

Sweet Sixteen: Duke Beats Tenn, Texas beats Memphis, UConn beats Cincy, San Diego State beats Temple
Elite Eight: Duke beats Texas, UConn beats SDSU
Final Four Representative: University of Connecticut
Over-hyped Team Least Likely to make a surprise run: Arizona
Best Player You've Probably Heard Of: Kemba Walker
The "Who Gives a Shit" Game: Temple vs. Penn St. (opening round)
Upset everyone is predicting that won't happen:  Oakland over Texas
Predictable Fan Excuse:  "If we had a healthy Irving..." (Duke)

Now we move onto the East.  It should be noted that the University of Kentucky is the 4 seed in this region, which brings me to the subject of bias.  As a die-hard University of Louisville fan, I can pretty much say that I am not a fan  of U of K...AT ALL.  I will do my best to accentuate their flaws and diminish their accomplishments, its simply in my nature.  To counteract my obvious bias, I will be italicizing any biased statements either in support of U of L or against U of K.

Example:  U of K will never win a championship with a roster full of one and done Freshman and even if they did, the title would almost assuredly be vacated due to recruiting violations.

Sweet Sixteen: Ohio State beats Nova, Kentucky beats WVU, Syracuse beats Xavier, Washington beats North Carolina
Elite Eight: Ohio State beats Kentucky, Washington beats Syracuse
Final Four Representative: Ohio State
Over-hyped Team Least Likely to make a surprise run: Princeton
Best Player You've Probably Heard Of: Jared Sullinger
The "Who Gives a Shit" Game: Syracuse vs. Indiana State (this could be solved with a Time Machine, Larry Bird, Carmelo Anthony and a rewrite of NCAA eligibility rules)
Upset everyone is predicting that won't happen:  Sadly, Princeton over Kentucky
Predictable Fan Excuse:  "I know for a fact all of Kanter's 30k was for education!"(Kentucky)

Here we are in the Southeast bracket.  Jimmer Fredette.  Jimmer Fredette.  Jimmer Fredette.  BYU honor code.  BYU honor code.  BYU honor code.
Oh sorry, I was just doing my ESPN due diligence and repeating the same things over and over to make a story or situation seem more sensational and important than it really is.

This region does have the honor of having the most crappy seeding within it.  Florida may be the least deserving 2 seed in the history of the tournament and I really want someone to explain to me what Michigan State's record would have to have been to not make the tournament?  I know they are good and have a great coach.... but they are 19-14

Sweet Sixteen: Pitt beats Butler, Utah St. beats Belmont, BYU beats Gonzaga, UCLA beats Florida
Elite Eight: Pitt beats Utah St. , BYU beats UCLA
Final Four Representative: Pittsburgh
Over-hyped Team Least Likely to make a surprise run: Michigan State
Best Player You've Probably Heard Of: Jimmer
The "Who Gives a Shit" Game: Belmont vs. Wisconsin
Upset everyone is predicting that won't happen:  Old Dominion beating Pitt (2nd round)
Predictable Fan Excuse:  "I wish we didn't have an honor code!" (BYU)

The Southwest region houses my Cardinals.  For more on how special I think this team is please refer to a Proctor's Type blog entry titled "I Love this Team".  Since writing that entry the Cardinals won a thrilling over time game over the Irish of Notre Dame in the Big East semi-finals.  The Irish have the 15 seeded Akron Zips in the first round, which leads me to my intriguing thought....
If Akron was allowed to add LeBron James (valued reader) for the tournament what odds would you give them of winning?  I would say they would coast to the championship winning every game by double digits.  Why do I waste my time thinking about things like this?  I can't really tell you, but I can tell you it would be awesome to watch LeBron dunk on the entire Notre Dame team one by one.  Kinda like this but with LeBron:

Sweet Sixteen: Kansas beats UNLV, Louisville beats Richmond, Purdue beats Georgetown, Notre Dame beats Texas A and M
Elite Eight: Louisville beats Kansas, Purdue beats Notre Dame
Final Four Representative: Purdue
Over-hyped Team Least Likely to make a surprise run: Vanderbilt
Best Player You've Probably Heard Of: Ben Hansbrough
The "Who Gives a Shit" Game: Texas A and M vs. Florida State
Upset everyone is predicting that won't happen:  USC beating Georgetown
Predictable Fan Excuse:  "Buckles would have helped us SO MUCH on the boards" (me, Louisville)

In the final four I will take Pitt to beat Purdue and Ohio State to edge UConn.  

And your 2011 NCAA Men's Division One (is it still called this?) College Basketball Champion will be:
Congrats guys, me picking you to win is almost as good as you all actually winning!
If you think my bracket sucks and you can undoubtedly beat it, feel free to join my ESPN Bracket Challenge Group:

Password: Kuric

Good Luck

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm Still Trying To Kill People

Those of you who are my Facebook friends or follow my Twitter had to know a blog was coming about this.

A little back-story for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about:

A reporter (referring to the Miami Heat big three) asked Kobe Bryant what it felt like playing with a bullseye on his back.  The Black Mamba responded with what will undoubtedly be the 2011 quote of the year "I don't know...I'm still trying to kill people".  Now he didn't mean it literally (I don't think), he meant that he doesn't take time to worry about those who are after him.  Kobe and the Lakers are still the kings of the jungle and they can't worry about those trying to get to the top of the food chain because they are still hunting. Kobe has five rings but has the mentality of an un-drafted free agent trying to make an NBA roster.  He is never satisfied and he never stops working.  This killer instinct and work ethic should be motivation for us all.
Maybe he did mean it literally..
Most of my readers are not professional basketball players (a few are, shout out to King James), but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't still try to "kill people".  This world is full of haters and those who want to rag on everything you are trying to do.  They try to convince you that your hard work won't pay off (it will).  They tell you there are things you simply can not do (there aren't).  Most people would rather piss on your accomplishments than praise you for them.  Unfortunately, we live in a world where it is okay to be jealous of others as long as you can find other jealous people to talk about it with.  

Personally I am so glad that I now have the perfect answer to doubters (real or imaginary) questions:

You already have a career and a home, are you sure you want to go back to school?
I want to be a lawyer, I'm still trying to kill people.
You wouldn't be starting school until October 2012, are you sure you can stay focused until then?  What if you got a promotion at work, would you reconsider?
I will not be complacent with my current career, I'm still trying to kill people.
Your undergraduate GPA was only 3.1, thats towards the lower end of what most law schools accept, what if you aren't accepted?
I am going to score well enough on the LSAT  to be admitted, I am studying every weekend.  I'm still trying to kill people.
As you get older your metabolism slows and its harder to lose weight.  Are you sure you can get to your weight from college before your wedding?
I work out harder every week.  I will be at my college weight by October 1st.  I'm still trying to kill people.

I have to admit, whereas I write most of my blog for others, I wrote this one for myself.  When you put goals out there for others to see, it makes you work that much harder.  

To all my readers: keep trying to kill people.

Personally, with the support of my family and the strength God has given me (Philippians 4:13), I feel more motivated than ever before.

I'm still trying to kill people.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Things to throw in the fire

If there is a choice between burning something and throwing it away, I am always going to opt for the cremation. If I spend an hour or two trimming bushes in the yard, you can bet I will be burning the scraps in the fire pit out back (along with the cardboard from the recycling bin).  Theres something that I really like about knowing that something that is burned no long exists (hey chemistry major, I don't care what actually happens, please don't ruin this blog post with an explanation).  With this in mind, I began to think, what if there was a huge burning fire where we could permanently roast things from our past.  It could be past relationships, past hobbies, a college course you hated, basically anything you want thrown in the fire and completely forgotten about with no evidence that it ever existed (or happened).  I have decided to share a couple of my items for the fire...
I want to burn a phase in my life, but I don't know what to call it.  Was it a "redneck phase", a "country phase" or maybe even a "rowdy phase"?  Before I decide what I am going to call the soon-to-be scorched phase of my life, I want to preface it by saying that I had a lot of fun with my family and friends during it.  I would not be burning those memories.  The things to burn would be more along the lines of choices I made regarding fashion, music, grammar usage etc.  With that in mind, I have decided to call it my "country phase", which, thankfully, did not last very long.  Some of my closest friends and family did not even know this was going on, but it was.   I was doing things that I thought were reflective of a simpler way of life.  I listened to a lot of country music, said "ain't" a couple of times and even bought a cowboy hat.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't cut out for this lifestyle and that I wanted to go back to my cushy suburban life.  It's hard to reflect upon this part of my life and not hear Travis Tritt playing in the background and realizing how close I was to buying a truck (a dodge!).   So its with a "O, Hell Yeah" that I  toss my country phase into the fire:


 With the fire now raging from Wranglers and diesel fuel, it is time for me to toss in some glossy, less flammable reading material.  Years ago I was in college and listening to a lot of music.  I listened to every style of music from 50s rock to modern day techno and everything in between.  With so much music being listened to, it became obvious that I should read about it also.  Having already subscribed to Rolling Stone magazine for years, I felt that I needed to add something newer, more cutting edge to my music magazine collection.  It soon became obvious that I needed Spin magazine!  Spin was so cool: the type was really small and the pictures were provocative and weird.  There was only one problem, I had paid $20 for an annual subscription to a magazine that sucks.  

I will admit that it took me a couple of months to realize just how much I hated reading Spin magazine.  I wanted so much to like it and be hip by reading it, but I just couldn't.  I didn't like that every band or musician I had ever heard of or listened to always got a bad review and was called tired or washed up.  I don't give a shit if Dan Steebo's Hand Job's latest album "!!ruserious!!" is considered purely genius by some run of the mill hip guy who wrote the review before he listened to a single note.  Spin isn't about reviewing music, its about giving its readers a false feeling of superiority about their musical choices and forming a support network (other spin readers) to feed their ego.  

Another unfortunate byproduct of Spin Magazine is "Spin magazine guy".  We all know this guy or have encountered him before.  Here is a short play I wrote starring Spin magazine guy:

(two guys seated at a bar discussing music)
Guy One:  I think Nirvana deserves all of the accolades they receive... they did start the Grunge Era you know?

(Seated across room, Spin Magazine Guy removes one ear bud and listens intently)

Guy Two:  I respectfully disagree, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were superior musical talents who did not receive the national attention that Nirvana received because of Cobain's suicide.  

(Livid, Spin Magazine Guy rips off headphones and sprints toward guys conversing at bar)

Spin Magazine Guy:  You guys don't know what you're talking about!  All of those bands sucked!  Real grunge music was started by Stupendous Peters in the late 80s, everyone knows that!

Guy One:  There's no way Stupendous Peters started anything because NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE FUCK THAT IS!  Now get away from us!

(end of play)

I think I have throughly described why I want to rid myself of my past Spin magazine subscription.  
Into the Fire!
What do you want to throw into the fire?  As we grow and change through life, we find more and more need for this fire.  I plan on keeping this fire raging, and you will undoubtedly see more items thrown in throughout the course of Proctors Type.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Perfect Room

There is a spare bedroom in the back of our house that doesn't get much use.  Currently it has a futon and a sweet 35" Sony console TV in it.  I think Laura puts her makeup on in there...

Obviously something needs to be done that can make our family better utilize this space.  The room is (10 x 10) or (12 x 12) or something (if you were looking for Bob Vila's blog, look elsewhere).  Although not huge, the room has plenty of room for a ton of cool shit.  With this in mind, I have sought out to plan the perfect room.  This is going to be a greater undertaking than most would imagine, seeing that no one else in the history of the world has had the perfect room.  As I go through this I want you to use your imagination and visualize just how great it would be to have a room as I am about to describe.

We will start by removing everything that is already in the room, giving us a fresh start to make the room as perfect as possible.  The walls are green (Laura painted them when we moved in) and the ceiling is white, this color scheme is fine with me since most would agree that "green is serenity".  The pressing question is what in the world would we hang on the walls?  Well, I will start by telling you that one whole wall would be a fresh-water fish tank.  I chose fresh water because that is what I am more familiar with: I bathe in it, drink it etc.  We could put some Bass, Catfish and Bluegill in there; fish that won't offend a bunch of people.  Add a sweet black light behind the fish tank and I think it's safe to say we have one awesome wall.

Before I continue with wall decor, I think it is important to note what the lighting scheme will be.  Besides the black light behind the fish tank, there will be no other artificial lighting in the room.  The room will be lit by jar candles of various scents and colors.  Jar candles are nice because they are safe and the wax that accumulates in them can be used for future arts and craft projects: win, win.  I think the perfect scent combination would be 2/3 "fresh" 1/6 molasses 1/6 cookie dough.  During Christmas time we may rotate in some cinnamon.

With lighting and one wall squared away, we move onto wall number two.  This wall will house all of my posters and artwork I am not currently allowed to hang up in the house.  I will have to un-gift the Great White Shark photo I gave my friend Craig for his college graduation and give it the appropriate hanging spot it has been waiting for.  Somewhere I can find a replica of the Tom Brady Stetson advertisement I took from my former employer (which Laura threw out like a worthless piece of garbage!).  I will Ebay the poster with all the Friends chicks laying in bed.  I will showcase the most freakish Dali I can find!  And last but certainly not least I will hang up the X Files poster I have preserved for all of these years:

It looks just like this, wrapped in high quality plastic with a cardboard backing
Before we get to the next wall and furniture, I would like to note a few perks that our pets will enjoy.  Our cats, Bagheera and Ichiro, will have hammock-like beds hanging from the ceiling they can chill out in.  There will also be a small water fountain that is constantly running so that Bagheera has his preferred hydration method and Ichiro has something to stare at.  Carl (dog, read previous entries) will have his own twin size bunk beds, with the bottom bunk functioning as a futon, that way if Carl decides to lay on the top, Laura can have a couch or bed on the bottom.  There will also be a secret door that allows Carl to go outside when he needs to use the bathroom, this will ensure he doesn't interrupt the ultimate chill.

Speaking of the ultimate chill, it is now time to describe the third wall.  What perfect room would be complete without six televisions?  They would all be the same size and displayed with two rows of three directly on top of one another.  Heres the kicker, all six TVs can be showing different channels or they can all show 1/6 of a huge screen showing just one channel!  There could be any number of combinations also. For example: if it were Sunday, I could have the Patriots game on 4 TVs (one large picture), a golf tourney on another and looping episodes of MASH season II on the sixth.  Of course all TVs would be equipped with Blu Ray players and Bose® audio.  
Season two was the best!

From where will I watch all these TVs?  The center of the room will house my perfect man chair: a brown, leather LayZBoy stitched with pure 14k silver thread.  The handle that causes the chair to recline will be made of petrified wood from the Redwoods of California.  There will be a built in refrigerator that has a functioning beer tap (all Bell's® of course) and a smoothie maker.  On either side of the chair will be a popcorn maker and a Jager shot machine.  I guess there will be a bathroom (with Urinal) in the room somewhere too.  

I think it will be obvious for many what will be on the last wall without me spelling it out for them, but for those of you not in the know, here goes...  
The wall will display a glow in the dark representation of our solar system done to perfect scale.  I will never have to worry about forgetting what the solar system looks like again, even if the room is dark.  The next obvious question I know you're going to ask is "what about when Pluto and Neptune switch places every two years?".  I haven't quite figured this out yet, so I will just pretend that you are not expecting an explanation.   

Imagine this glowing in the dark!

Readers, these plans for the perfect room are my gift to you.  I have not patented the perfect room, that would be selfish and heartless of me.  No human being should be denied a perfect room.