Friday, August 26, 2016

A Day with Pops- A guest blog by Guy Thomas Proctor

What's up world??? I figured after almost a year it was time to hit dad's blog so hard. So anyway, I am kicking it at home for the third straight day because of the no fever policy at school. Girls, I guess I'm just too hot. (Sorry, had to throw a little dude humor in). The first couple of days I chilled out with Mom, but today Pops has the gig.

This morning he told me not to worry because when sis was little he watched her one day a week. Well, first off, I am not worried because worrying messes up my chill. Second, I don't think he realizes the difference between me and Cros; she may need to be "intellectually stimulated" or whatever, whereas I am just trying to live my life. The only way this day could go sideways is if we skip some meals or forget snack time. If we grub, we're good pops.

He also keeps asking me what I want to do. Its simple dude: bonk a bottle, bonk some solids, and bonk out for nap. I may hit some cardio and crawl around or do some body-weight lifts, but I am not trying to get after it that hard AT ALL today. TGIF, pops, do you know what that means? I say we queue up some Linkin Park to rage a little but also hit the feels so hard.

The only beef I can see arising is if dad makes the fake chicken nuggets and eats them all while I am napping. Share the love pops and let me get in on that honey mustard action too. If we need to make two boxes, so be it, it is dude's day after all. And if Mom wonders why we ate so many nuggs, we will just blame it on the dog or something.

Guy Thomas Proctor is a dude's dude. This is his first blog on 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Hummus: just accept it for what it is

Hummus has been around for a long time. (I guess. I didn't really bother to research it, but it is Greek or something so it is old.) However, hummus has only been a "thing" for a handful of years now. Most grocery stores carry it and it is a frequent appetizer selection at restaurants. But try going to a 1992 Kroger and finding hummus. NOT HAPPENING. Hummus, despite existing for a long time, has only been a mainstream food for about ten years.

So why is it that so many people parade around consuming hummus and saying that have been eating it "forever?" I would very much enjoy splitting a hummus app and not having some asshole bragging about this being his 1000th hummus plate. We get it, you like hummus, can't you just say that without inflating the stats? Even worse is the false hummus connection with a past event. "I remember being a boy, my dad taking me fishing, and us just eating hummus right there on the dock." NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!

Delicious, but also a source of rage.
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum are people who treat hummus as if it is the latest creation. I was at a ballgame a couple of years ago and Sabra was giving out samples. "Hey, want to try a new healthy snack before the game?" Well, I've had hummus before, but if you want me to act like some dipshit who hasn't in order to get a free snack then I will. Now, let's go back to the hummus app sharing scenario I discussed earlier. "Oh hey, this could be fun, how do you say it, ho, hooo, hoomus?" Its "hummus" jackass and now you've convinced me to get the spinach and artichoke dip.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Men's Multi-Level Marketing

Tonight, my wife is going to a "party" where the host sells a special line of clothing that cannot be purchased in stores. Basically, a friend-of-a-friend's basement becomes a pop-up store and invitees congregate to discuss how "cute" various things are and inevitably make a couple of purchases. The host gets a cut, invitees/customers get something unique that they want, fun is had and friendships are formed. Everyone wins.

This got me thinking, I have never once been invited to something like this. These purchase parties are not just limited to clothes; from kitchen stuff to jewelry to "meal prep" parties, there are plenty of potential invitations to be sent. But I have not received even a pity invite. And that is fine, because, as construed, I would not be interested whatsoever in attending one of these events. On the other hand, anytime one comes up, it trumps whatever "plans" I may or may not have had, so I end up at home with the kids for bedtime.

The reason for the superiority of these parties over my loose and/or nonexistent plans is the structure and planning involved. Invitations are sent, snacks are prepared and if the host is a good enough friend, attendance is basically mandatory. Compare this to "going to Ben's to watch the game" or the even less imperative "going to Ben's to drink beer".  Obviously, my "plans" are going to lose out every time.

With this in mind, we, as uninvited men, need to start our own comparable purchase parties. First, whatever we sale cannot be easily purchased at a local store. Otherwise "you don't need to go to that, just go get it at the store" is the easiest of retorts. Second, the host needs to be selling something we would actually want to buy. Finally, and unfortunately, this cannot be half-assed or the ruse will be exposed.

What could meet all this criteria? AN IMPORT BEER PARTY. It would not necessarily need to be an actual "imported beer", but rather a beer that cannot be purchased locally. The host would drive somewhere, buy a shit load of beer, and at the party sell the beer at a premium that covers cost and makes a small profit. For example, I could host a Yuengling party since it cannot be purchased locally. I would drive to Cincinnati, get a keg of 'gling, and as many cases as I could fit in my car. At the party, guests could buy cold ones from the keg for $1 and/or a  case for $25-30. Honestly, breaking even financially would be more than worth it.

These could "set the mood"
Now I just need someone to explain "invitations" to me.