Friday, December 8, 2017

Five Sentence Story #3

Ebert frantically thumbs through the various .gifs and stickers available on his new Keystone Light® "Stone-Mojis" app. He settles on a sticker portraying five Keystone Light® cans blasting into the sky as if they are rockets taking off. He pastes the sticker into an imessage® to Proctor along with a screenshot portraying how to download the app and install the keyboard. In less than a minute, Proctor texts back "holy shit. I want to send that to everyone I know. How can I repay you?" Feeling accomplished, Ebert replies "chronicle this day in a five sentence story for our children and our children's children to read."

Pure beauty

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Proctor's Type Guide to the Holidays, 2017: Hugs

It is that time of the year again; everyone starts hugging everyone else. Be it the brief warm-up that accompanies a meeting of the bodies as the weather turns cold or a display that says “I care about you more during this time of year”, there is no doubt that hugs are in season. With that in mind, I have decided to give a few hugging tips, for huggers and non-huggers alike:

     (1)      Be up front with your intentions.

If you are approaching someone you have never hugged before, do not just run up, grasp them and yank them towards you. Depending on how attenuated the relationship is, the hug-receiver may think you are committing a host of criminal acts against them. Instead, make eye contact, hold your arms out to your sides and declare (loudly) “I AM GOING TO HUG YOU NOW, IS THAT OKAY?!?” At this point, the potential victim is aware of your intentions and can reject the hug or embrace it. And at no point will anything get “weird”.

(2)      Give them a good knock.

Once the hugee has formally accepted your proposed hug, ball up your fist and give them a quick whack on the back at the commission of the hug. Not only does this add a bit of flare to the whole ordeal, the infliction of some pain will assert your physical dominance during the exchange. I anticipate some of you all will wonder just how hard to strike your friend or family member. Well, you certainly want them to feel it, but try to avoid bruising.

 (3)      Spray the back of your neck with cologne or perfume.

This seems obvious, but with the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some of you all will forget that many people’s noses will be thrusted directly towards the back of your neck. Why not bless them with the Italian lemon and woodsy notes of Polo Red® or invigorate them with a blast of Miracle® featuring top notes of lychee, freesia, and citron? It’ll be one gift you do not have to worry about wrapping. (wink.)

Friday, November 17, 2017

Five Sentence Story #2

I can not believe I just tweeted "wine weekend!!!" Did I commit myself solely to wine for the entirety of the weekend? Will The Haters be all over me if I crack a cold one in the next 72 hours? Should I purchase a Bota Box® or a variety of bottles? IDFK!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Five Sentence Story #1

Two extremely jacked dudes ran into each other in the gym parking lot. "Looking good bro, putting in that work" said the more-jacked-of-the-two. Without pause, the less-jacked-of-the-two hysterically screamed "THANKS BRO, I SAW YOU IN THERE BURNING UP YOUR CORE!" The more-jacked-of-the-two gave a dismissive chuckle and walked away shaking his head. "Damn, I might have screwed that up", thought the less-jacked-of-the-two as he slowly walked away, questioning his pump.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Four Sentence Story #2

Tyler anxiously grabs the catalog protruding from his mail box. At first glance, he is instantly intimidated and wonders "am I established enough in this world to become an LLBean® man?" Could this be the year for a Signature Fisherman Sweater® or even a Overland Performance Flannel Shirt® (fleece-lined)? In one motion, he simultaneously rips the catalog in half and throws it away, "maybe next year", he mutters to no one in particular.

The dream, courtesy of LLBean

Friday, November 3, 2017

Four Sentence Story #1

This past Wednesday, I sprayed the last mist from my bottle of Lacoste® Essential cologne. Unfortunately, my replacement, Curve®, was not available for same day shipping from Amazon® Prime® and I was cologne-less this morning. In an effort to get some scent going, I purposefully over-shampooed with some Herbal Essences® white grapefruit & mosa mint. Feeling refreshed and confident, I went forth with my day.

Friday, September 29, 2017

A Poem For Autumn (Epic Poem)

Autumn is here!
For the harvest, we prepare
Find a better season,
ass****, I dare.

So hit the bricks summer,
off your ivory tower!
I'm ready to rock some plaid:
Eddie Bauer.

Hello and good morning barista,
hook up a grande pumpkin spice.
Nothing like this cool, crisp air
to shoot a game of dice.

Hut! Hut!
Grunt! Grunt!
It's a football game!
I hope my autumn raccoon 
turns out to be tame.

Through the pumpkin patch,
we can walk in tandem.
As for the haters,
I can't stand 'em. 


Blessed be your autumn wedding,
but try not to brag.
I hope your last names are conducive
to a fun #hashtag.

Let's not forget Halloween.
What shall I be?
Hold on, too many brown ales,
now I have to pee.

Quality Autumn Cold 

A ninja turtle is the deal,
but these punk kids are so lame.
It's hard to trick or treat,
while playing a video game.

Happy fall, y'all!

Crosby's first autumn. 2013. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

The "genius" at Target

This morning I went to Target to grab a few things. As I was patiently waiting to ask someone where "automotive" is, I overheard a conversation between a customer and a store employee. The customer was going to the track and asked if they had any ponchos because she was ready to "buy them out". Unfortunately for her, she was informed by the store employee that all of the ponchos were already sold out. To this the customer replied "well, ya know what we did one year? We all just held a large tarp over our heads and moved around like an amoeba, it was absolutely genius." Then she bought a tarp. The whole exchange pissed me off greatly.

First off, I know we have had a dumbing down in America, but is holding a fucking tarp over your head when it is raining now considered "genius"? E=MC^2, NASA, The Great Gatsby, and covering your head when it is raining, one of these things is not like the other.  Second, if the tarp thing worked so well, then why was she trying to buy ponchos. Did she tell everyone she was going with that she is bringing ponchos and is instead showing up with a tarp? They are going to the track, not covering a boat for the winter. Third, I do not know how an amoeba moves, but I doubt it is anything like a bunch of drunk people holding a tarp over their heads. Finally, what was the point of bragging to the Target employee about how many ponchos you were planning on buying? They do not work on commission. And what if they had 1000 ponchos, was she really going to "buy them out"?

I know some of you all may be wondering why I have been seething about this all day, but I like to think that some of you all are uncontrollably shaking with anger right now. I mean, a GENIUS, really?!?  Come on.

I should close by noting that I hold no ill will towards the customer. I hope her and her friends have a fun, safe, and dry time at the track, but please, let's work on our phrasing when speaking to employees at Target. You never know who is listening and what they might blog about.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The coffee lid incident

Some readers may remember that I have something of a beef with the "floor person" at my gym. However, for awhile, there were signs that our relationship was back to normal. For example, we were back to our routine conversation of:
her: "how are you?"
me: "good, you?"
(whatever she says).
But then this past Monday happened.

A long weekend had me hitting the complimentary YMCA coffee pretty hard. I grabbed a standard-issue Styrofoam cup, pumped some coffee in, and proceeded to take it into the gym while I wondered around assessing what physical activity was least likely to make me vomit. This was not the first time I had done this, nor would it be the last. After awhile, I settled on benching (Mondays, right bros?) and set my coffee down securely on a window ledge right next to the bench I was using.

Two minutes had not passed before I noticed the floor person in my peripheral, quickly approaching. Before I could pretend not to notice and throw myself down on the floor for some push-ups or something, she was in front of me. Time started to pass very slowly as I noticed her raising up a white object to present to me. My body quickly warmed and I began seeing red. I had not asked for a coffee cup lid, nor had I observed a sign necessitating the use of a coffee cup lid.
One could say that the law, in its majestic equality, requires both the gym floor person's friends and enemies use a plastic coffee cup lid. 

"You have to have one, in case you spill. Everyone has one." Just as I felt as if I was going to combust, I became intrigued by the last part of her attack. Everyone has one? Even if not true, she had just, either knowingly or unknowingly, admitted that she had unjustly singled me out in the past! Suddenly, feeling vindicated, I decided against making a complete and total ass of myself. Somewhat pleasantly, I replied "Oh, I did not know you all had those up there (complete and total bullshit), thanks, now I know."

I placed the lid on securely and went on my way. Meanwhile, the gym floor person acted as if she had just seen a ghost. She was not expecting a somewhat-polite exchange. She was expecting a battle. Hopefully, she now understands that I can take her "rules", if valid and equally enforced, in stride. And if that's the case, well, gym floor person, be ready for a fresh "good, you?" tomorrow morning.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Make a new damn friend, a brewing friend

Two of the five most important things in life are friends and cold ones. Do you have any friends? I hope so. Do you have colds? God bless America, I hope so. If the answer to both of these questions is "no" then you need to reevaluate. Kill two birds with one stone by making a friend who brews beer.

How do you make friends? Try not to be too obnoxious when around others. How do you make a friend who brews beer? Try not to be too obnoxious around someone that brews beer. Maybe put a halt to some of your "quirks" that you think are adorable and have not gotten you anywhere to this point. When you meet someone who brews beer, refrain from discussing how you got your Key Club volunteer hours in high school. Reserve a conversation about your plans for next year's parade float for another time. Discuss something that unites us all: pounding cold ones.

If you play your cards right, you will meet someone who wants you to dabble in something delicious. They bust their ass making quality cold ones and you reap the rewards. And the best part is, although it does not seem like it, you are contributing something. Your input as to the quality of the beer they have produced is important. Imagine if you made something for others, like a blog or something, you would want feedback, especially positive feedback.  Brewing colds is exactly the same, except with a much higher ABV.

Personally, I have had a handful people in my life who make beer and let me rip n' roar with their products. Of all those people, one man stands above the rest. He made my wedding beer, Proctorberfest, a 7% brown/pumpkin deal that had a multitude of Bud Light drinkers really cutting loose . He also made one of the five best beers I have ever pounded, BBB, a play on Founders' famed KBS, but better. At ~14%, the beer is basically its own three course, paired meal. Despite it being the definition of a sipper, I did not pass on one when my wife, and ride, told me we were leaving in five minutes and the brewer's Packers had just won the Super Bowl.  He wanted to celebrate. I wanted to indulge. It was an interesting ride home, I think.

Colds Connection
And who is this hero for the masses? Buddy McHagan. Check out his blog as he fulfills his dreams and makes brews for a living. It is quite a venture, but do not worry, there will be a quality control expert at the ready.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

The scents of our lives- a poem by Eric Proctor

The bottle and my soul are empty
Less mist, no matter how hard I press
Lacoste® Essential, (prolonged, audible sniff)
It had to come to an end, I guess

Scent-wise, where do I go from here?
It is so difficult to tell
Go cologne-less?

Hold on a second,
I've had an epiphany!
How to fix this problem?
Bring back the Original Tommy®

Be on alert FragranceNet,
You're under attack!
It is Proctorstype,
Coming for a mid-90s throwback!

He's a grown man now,
Drinks wine to get bent
But he still requires
A clean, masculine scent.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Five things about me, aka "Friday Night soul-baring"

I am ready to connect with my readership on a much more personal level. I feel exposed, but this is necessary:

1. In third grade math class we had a daily activity where we each offered up an equation that equaled the corresponding chronological number of days since the first day of school (on day 30 of the school year, we made equations for 30). Creativity and added difficulty were appreciated. Day 49 is a day I will never forget. After Billy Joe Dipshit volunteered "48 plus 1", I shot my hand in the air and said "seven squared" (I was not a prodigy or anything, my dad had explained the simplicity of squaring a number the night before). I killed it. The teacher was floored. I may as well have struck a match and burned that classroom to the ground. Since then I have gotten married and become a father to two beautiful children, so I think I can say this is no longer the greatest day of my life, but I will never forget.

2. For years I have fudged my "biggest splash" contest record. If you know me at all, you have probably heard me say I was undefeated in contests where the participants jump into a pool and see who can make the biggest splash. This is not true. I will say that my "nightmare" jump, a modified sleeper wherein I kick my feet throughout the jump, is vastly superior to a normal sleeper or a cannonball. However, I lost splash contests, and I apologize to all of my friends and family whom I have told otherwise. What was I thinking spouting off that I was undefeated? For God's sake, there are not official records or codified rules and the scoring is so damn subjective! I hate myself for this and feel I have made wrongs that I cannot right.

3. Today a woman left her driver's door open while pumping gas and impeded my cutting through to park and go into the store. I slowly drove around the door and missed it by about a foot. In my rearview mirror I could tell she was pissed and she hurried around to the door to close it. We entered the store at the same time and I was preparing myself for this conversation:

Her: You almost hit my door!
Me: Did I? Oh, you're welcome.
Her: What?!?
Me: For the lesson.
Her (irate): What are you talking about?!?
Me: You learned to close your driver's side door while pumping gas, you're welcome.

Then I would have thrown a $100 bill on the counter and left. It would have been very cool. Did not happen. She bought some cigarettes and left without acknowledging my presence.

4. Like many, I enjoy singing to myself. However, I have an added twist. I insert vulgarities in the short breaks between lines. For example, the Garth Brooks classic "Thunder Rolls" would sound something like this:

The thunder rolls
And the lightning strikes
Another love grows cold
On this sleepless night

I know it seems juvenile and obnoxious, but somewhere deep down inside I think it could really work out. I just have not gotten the opportunity in front of an audience.

5. I do not like pranks, at all. Count me out. They are not funny, they are not fun. They are just a pain in the ass. If I could ensure that I am never pranked again and that I will never be guilted into pranking someone else, I would be at peace. Maybe I am just not a "fun person", but the idea of having to clean a bunch of toilet paper out of my fucking tree is not appealing.

The worst parts of The Office (otherwise great show) were the pranks. Oh look, a stapler in jello. Way to go Jim, cheap laughs, how about using your dry wit instead? And didn't Slater take apart Belding's car or something? He should have been suspended. (different show)

Friend: "Hey Proctor! Prank war! (asshole sprays a bunch of easy cheese all over everything)
Me: I am calling the police

Sometimes I feel like I should "play along", but I cannot mask my seething anger. What is one little prank call you ask? Well, it could be blocking the line for someone trying to call to tell me a loved one is in the hospital. Hope you got your laughs! Please do not prank call me. I take the phone seriously.