Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Proctor's Type Guide to the Holidays, 2017: Hugs

It is that time of the year again; everyone starts hugging everyone else. Be it the brief warm-up that accompanies a meeting of the bodies as the weather turns cold or a display that says “I care about you more during this time of year”, there is no doubt that hugs are in season. With that in mind, I have decided to give a few hugging tips, for huggers and non-huggers alike:

     (1)      Be up front with your intentions.

If you are approaching someone you have never hugged before, do not just run up, grasp them and yank them towards you. Depending on how attenuated the relationship is, the hug-receiver may think you are committing a host of criminal acts against them. Instead, make eye contact, hold your arms out to your sides and declare (loudly) “I AM GOING TO HUG YOU NOW, IS THAT OKAY?!?” At this point, the potential victim is aware of your intentions and can reject the hug or embrace it. And at no point will anything get “weird”.

(2)      Give them a good knock.

Once the hugee has formally accepted your proposed hug, ball up your fist and give them a quick whack on the back at the commission of the hug. Not only does this add a bit of flare to the whole ordeal, the infliction of some pain will assert your physical dominance during the exchange. I anticipate some of you all will wonder just how hard to strike your friend or family member. Well, you certainly want them to feel it, but try to avoid bruising.

 (3)      Spray the back of your neck with cologne or perfume.

This seems obvious, but with the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some of you all will forget that many people’s noses will be thrusted directly towards the back of your neck. Why not bless them with the Italian lemon and woodsy notes of Polo Red® or invigorate them with a blast of Miracle® featuring top notes of lychee, freesia, and citron? It’ll be one gift you do not have to worry about wrapping. (wink.)

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