Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#6)

The Proctor's Type combo countdown of the top ten NBA players and the the top ten "cheap American beers" continues...

Catch up:
#10 Click Here
 #9 Click Here
 #8 Click Here
 #7 Click Here

#6: Dwight Howard/ Budweiser (in an American Flag can)

Photo Courtesy of:
I was unfortunately listening to some random Saturday morning radio guys on ESPN radio one day.  In typical ESPN fashion they were ranking something and making "zany", "off the wall" selections.  A certain level of absurdity is expected with any of these segments but this particular one was downright idiotic.  One of the radio hosts picked Marc Gasol as their #1 center in the NBA....hahahahaha lolololololololol excuse me, I am laughing so hard I may shit my pants, HAHAHAHAHAHA.  MARC GASOL as the best center in the NBA!  HAHAHAHA, not the best center on the Spanish national team, not the #1 center not on the top 5 center list, they think, or at least said they think, that MARC GASOL is the best center in the NBA.  I was laughing so hard that I missed their "reasoning" but I think it consisted of some BS about basketball IQ and making free throws.

The last time I checked, playing basketball consisted of a lot more than making free throws and has very little to do with IQ tests of any kind.  NBA basketball is a collection of the biggest, best athletes in the world and Dwight Howard epitomizes size and athleticism.  I will grant you that he does not have a tenacity that Kobe or LeBron possess.  He does not shoot free throws well and sulks when he is not getting the ball enough for his liking.  BUT Dwight Howard led the league in rebounds last year and averaged 17 ppg as the third option on a poorly coached team.  All of this coming off of BACK SURGERY.  Dwight is in a better place for him now, I think he is due for a big season.

Photo Courtesy of:  Me taking a buzzed selfie
There are exactly two reasons Budweiser (in an American Flag can) makes the top 10:

1)  They sometimes put them in American flag cans.  What's a better way to show patriotism than to take down some tall boys with a flag on them?  Every time one can is crushed and another popped, this country becomes a little more free.  

2)  When I am at a professional sporting event or a concert I am not going to refrain from drinking brewskies due to the exorbitant price!  But I will make a concerted effort to get  the most out of my $8 16 oz. beer.  That is where Budweiser comes in.  With a little more alcohol and a little heavier taste, Budwesier versus a "light" option is a solid investment when the wallet is getting a little light.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Attention Hipsters, Please Move to Detroit

Yesterday Detroit declared bankruptcy and it became high time for a bunch of internet users who have never been to Detroit to start ripping on it.  The city that was once known as the automobile manufacturing king has lost a lot of people for a variety of reasons.  However, Detroit is still an American symbol in my eyes and to see fellow Americans use an entire city as a punchline just does not make a lot of sense to me.  As a Tigers fan who drives a Jeep and has a wife from Michigan, I am obviously sensitive to Detroit's plight.  With this in mind I thought long and hard (5-6 minutes) about how to get Detroit back on track and it hit me like a big-bodied Buick that gets 7-8 miles to the gallon.  MOVE THE HIPSTERS TO DETROIT!

Think about it hipsters, what would be more ironic than moving to Detroit.  There are plenty of abandoned buildings you could turn into lofts of some kind.  All of the snow in the winter could bring about many fashion opportunities not available in other areas of our country.  You could wear flat-billed Red Wings hats over top of wool hats.  You could get Old English "d" tats as opposed to the traditional uppercase.  Hell, there are entire blocks you could turn into Zucchini fields.  Admit it, it is getting harder and harder to be hip in your current locale, take over a city that needs you.

Young, successful hipsters have developed down-trodden parts of many other large cities.  Reviving the entire D would be their greatest accomplishment yet.  Plus, for those of you who just "don't get it" and did not hear your favorite band until they were on the radio, there is an added bonus of not having hipsters around anymore.  If hipsters can make PBR a beer of choice, bringing back Detroit should be a piece of cake.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

How to get 12 free beers!

Two things that everyone loves:  free stuff and brews.  With my simple, ingenuous trick you can now get 12 FREE cold ones.  Here is how...

Grab a buddy and each of you each purchase a 12 pack of beer but only drink 10 apiece.  Save one of the containers and put the remaining beers in there.  Do this two more times and what do you know?  YOU'RE ROCKIN' and ROLLIN' and 12 brews are about to be FLOWIN'!  WOO

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#7)

We continue the Proctor's Type countdown of the top 10 NBA players along with the top 10 "Cheap American Beers".  

What the hell this is and #10: Click Here
                                      #9: Click Here
                                      #8: Click Here

#7 Tony Parker/ Genesee Bock Beer

Photo Courtesy of:
I do not think it would be a stretch to say that Tony Parker is the most under-rated player in the NBA today.  He is the best player on a team that took the dominant Heat to 7 games in the NBA Finals.  Heck, the Spurs probably should have won the NBA Finals and would have had they not let game 6 slip away.  While Duncan and Pop have praise lavished on them like the Florida sun beating down on a poor salamander (common saying in Florida), Parker continues to lead the team in scoring, assists and assists to turnover ratio.  Do not forget all the opportunities he creates spacing wise when he drives to the rim.  

Photo Courtesy of:
I have only had this beer once but I can safely say it is legit.  I was over at a good beer buddy's house and he said "got some cans in the cooler of some new cheap stuff from Whole Foods".  Being the open-minded adventurer I am, I popped the cooler open and started ripping and roaring.  These brews were darker than a typical cheap demesto but they were delicious and went down like water.  The experience reminded me of Christmas morning as a child.  I think that may be because the cans looked "Christmasy", but I am sure the sheer joy and wholesome fun had something to do with it as well.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#8)

We continue our countdown of the 10 best NBA players and 10 best "Cheap American Beers"
To catch up:  #10-     Click Here
                           #9-    Click Here

#8: Russell Westbrook/ Miller High Life
Photo Courtesy of

"He shoots too much!" - Guy who saw the Thunder lost but did not actually watch the game
"He takes away from Durant!!!"-  ESPN "analyst" who needs to have a "take"

Can we please put all of this BS to bed?  We saw what happens to a Westbrook-less Thunder this year in the playoffs.  Without Westbrook's 23, 5 and 7, the Thunder were swiftly sent home by the Grizz who were subsequently swept by the Spurs.  Westbrook forces the issue and creates better shots for Durant by simply being on the floor, which is the opposite of the "addition by subtraction" so many were hoping for when Westbrook went down.  A suggestion:  next time you get a chance, watch Westbrook play instead of listening to jackasses discuss his play after the fact.  I believe you will quickly agree (if you do not already) that he deserves a place on this list.

Photo Courtesy of
Years ago some creative ad person (think Peggy or the annoying guy on Don's team) was sitting around thinking about how to market the economic Miller option.  "I got it" they said.  "Let's call it the Champagne of beers, that will be ironic!"  My guess is that the Don-type approved and history was made.

Now let me start by saying that I like High Life and I love champagne.  However, the two things could not be more opposite.  Champagne makes me think of a magnificent French landscape, High Life makes me think of a Catholic church picnic in a large parking lot.  That being said, both are beautiful in their own way.  People celebrate major life events such as weddings and promotions with Champagne.  The only celebration centered around High Life is finding out there is a "cheap beer tent" tucked away in the corner of a baseball stadium.  But I guess that is the Yin and Yang of life (some people who actually know what Yin and Yang are may disagree), and it gave me a great idea:  sell a bottle of Andre and a sixer of High Life for 12 bucks and call it a "celebration in a box".

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#9)

For an explanation of what the hell this is and to see who/what checked in at #10 please go here.  

Today we continue our co-current countdown of the top 10 Players in the NBA and the top 10 "Cheap American Beers".

#9: Paul George/ Coors Light

Photo Courtesy of
The mere fact that PG24 did this to the obnoxious punk ass Birdman warrants his being on this list.  Additionally, Paul George is LeBron James Lite and he was named that NBA's most improved player in 2013.  Like the King (spoiler alert:  LeBron will be featured in this series), Paul George contributes across the board and is a fantastic perimeter defender.  From, check out PG's across the boards improvements in his first 3 years.  
'10-'11 611920.72.9-6.5.4530.7-2.3.2971.3-1.7.7620.
'11-'12 666629.74.3-9.7.4401.4-3.5.3852.2-2.8.8020.
'12-'13 797937.66.2-14.9.4192.2-5.9.3622.8-3.5.8071.

Oh yeah, also of note:  I like the Pacers.

Photo courtesy of

You think your beer is cold?  FUCK YOU!  It is not nearly as cold as a COORS LIGHT!  Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Got a high fever?  Air Conditioning out?  Just pound a few Coors Lights and you will be shivering in no time.  In all honesty, I do not quite understand the cold obsession.  In fact, I have heard that the colder something is, the less terrible it tastes.  I think that is why liquid antibiotics are refrigerated (maybe?).

Whatever the case, the coldness is not the reason for Coors Light making this list.  Coors Light checks in on the list because it was an integral part of one of my fondest memories of being a young man.  My buddies and I were tailgating a Cardinals game during the John L. Smith era about 9 am.  I was gulping down some Coors Light, crushing the cans and throwing them on the ground, one after another.  Some would say I was putting on quite a show.  It was right around time to walk in when a buddy of mine said "wow, you're really tearing through those Coors Lights".  Compliments do not get better than that.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#10)

The talking heads have exploded with wide-ranging opinions as to Dwight Howard's worth after his recent "decision" to join the Houston Rockets.  Some say Dwight Howard is a top 5 player while others say he is not "worth it", whatever that means.  Like every other jackass who watches too much NBA and listens to too many commentators wildly speculate about the League, I feel the need to make the "correct" top ten NBA player list, but with a twist...

Earlier this week,a brilliant Deadspin writer, Will Gordon, ranked 36 "Cheap American Beers", and although I disagree with his assessment, the idea was genius.  Like every other bro/student who loves drowning brews, I feel the need to make the "correct" top ten "Cheap American Beers" list.  There is a lot riding on the creation of these arbitrary lists and I do not want to know what will happen if both are not released in a timely fashion.  Therefore, I am left with one option, make the lists concurrently and countdown one player/domestic a day.

Here we go:

#10:  Stephen Curry/ Rolling Rock
Photo Courtesy of

Stephen Curry can flat score the rock.  He led the league in 3PM last year by a wide margin and really showed his stuff on a national stage when the Warriors knocked off everyone's darling Nuggets team in the first round of the 2013 playoffs.  Additionally, in 2009 I said he should be the number one pick in the draft and I want to pat myself on the back a little for that bold prediction.

Photo Courtesy of

One time I was out hackin' it around on Long Run golf course.  It was about 95 degrees outside and cold ones were without a doubt in order.  That day I learned a golf tip I will never forget.  If you buy 6 cans of brew at the clubhouse they give you a collapsible cooler full of ice to put them in.  And what does that mean?  That means you load that bad boy up with gas station purchased brew on the cheap.  It just so happens that on this glorious day my golf mates had purchased a substantial amount of Rocks.  I spent that day slicin' drives, pounding Rocks and sweatin' like a mug.  Quality memories of Rolling Rocks for sure, plus in the Deer Hunter there is a scene where Robert De Niro is trying to convince a love interest to have a Rolling Rock.  The combination of a round shooting about 120 with cinematic history make Rolling Rock a legitimate choice to begin our top ten countdown.