Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The One Hour Experiment

Hello World.

It is currently 8:01 AM EST.  I am giving myself one hour to write a hodgepodge blog with no real planning, just an hour to type, link, put up some pictures ..whatever.  It may not be organized well, it may not make a lot of sense.  Who knows?  Here goes...

I had briefly thought about scrapping this blog.  I do not write often enough and I honestly do not know how many readers I have.  However, I thought better of that and will keep Proctor's Type alive and well.  If I ever get to a point where I know I am never going to want to blog again then I will kick Proctor's Type to the curb.  This is boring and I am wasting some of my hour blogging about why I decided to blog.

Moving on...

Here's a thought, I do not care if you do not like Christmas.  I do.  I love Christmas.  I had a fantastic time decorating the trees last night with my wife.  Christmas, however diluted or commercial it has become, is still a special time for me and my family.  On the other hand I also do not care what people call a "Christmas Tree".  Call it a "Community Tree" if you want, in a way that seems more "Christmasey" anyway.  You want to call it "Holiday shopping", fine, that is what it is.  Seriously if your "cause" is "keeping the Christ in Christmas", get a new damn cause or reevaluate what "keeping the Christ in Christmas" really means.  Something tells me yelling and screaming about the terms people use when decorating a tree or spending ridiculous amount of money on people who already have what they need to survive is not assuring the world that Christmas is still a celebration of Christ's birth.

Well I just spent 9-10 valuable minutes pissing off some readers.  Please keep on reading.  Let's move to a topic that is not so divisive   Hahaha, Christmas is divisive now.  What is wrong with the world?  Ok, let me think, something everyone likes...ummm....this is hard...it is also difficult to think of something everyone likes.  Major LOL there btw.  Everyone likes..dogs!  Fantastice, here is a picture of Laura and Carl with a headband on that "makes him look like a Reindeer":

Look at that!  How cute!

So are we all back to our good moods now?  

Let's talk U of L for a few minutes.  Actually, let's talk UK first.  I am not going to rip UK here.  I have been making a concerted effort for years now to be more reasonable and appreciative of my friends and family who happen to be UK fans.  My message to UK fans, who tend to be a tad insecure every now and then..  your basketball team is loaded and you will be fine.  Just think how good you will feel when they get a high seed in the tournament and you can have your bravado back.  It will happen.  Trust me.  

Now to all my fellow Cardinal fans:  we are in the ACC and are in a BCS bowl.  ENJOY IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!  I have heard so many fans worried about if Charlie is going to leave or worried that Florida is going to blow us out.  Be a fan!  Be happy and enjoy what HAS happened as opposed to dreading what MIGHT happen.  And if Charlie leaves, let's show some class (we will because Louisville has classy fans) and THANK HIM.  Charlie Strong brought us from the darkness to the light.  We will get another good coach.  Hopefully we will not need to.

I am going to go make another cup of coffee.  The Keurig has not been displaying the "add water" button in a timely fashion and this first cup only ended up being a halfer.  

Crisis averted.  Let's continue.  Wow this is already getting long.  Also, it looks like I have already typed a lot.

Some of you are fans of the Tool of the Week portion of And on the 4th day... (remember that?!?).  Well, how about a tool of the century?  None other than the insecure, low-life, over-rated, woman beating, PIECE OF SHIT GARBAGE, DOUCHE BAG that it Chris Brown.  Everything about him pisses me off.  I hate the idea of defending oneself by saying "stop hating" when someone points out that YOU, by your own volition , did something terrible.  The whole "why you worried about what I am doing, worry about yourself" bullshit is ridiculous.  I am worried about what you are doing because you beat a woman and seem to think it is OK.  I am worried that a bunch of your immature followers say things like "Chris Brown can beat me anytime" and you do not bother to say that abusing women is wrong.  Miranda Lambert, Jenny Johnson... whoever, please stay on this guy's case.  

Wow, I really do not like Chris Brown in case that was not apparent.  A musical artist I do like?  THE KILLERS.  If you are a casual fan and have not heard Battle Born yet please do.  The Killers are back and the album is absolutely spectacular.  What rock music is supposed to be.  How about I rank all the Killers' Albums with Brandon Flowers solo album thrown in:

1.  Sam's Town
2.  Battle Born
3.  Flamingo
4.  Hot Fuss
5.  Day & Age
6.  Sawdust

Fellow Killers fans..do you agree?  Please comment and let me know.

It looks like I have about 13 minutes left.  How about I discuss a recent major change in my life?  I recently made a new Facebook and deleted my original account.  Why, you and so many others are asking?  Well, if this does not explain it I do not know what will:

While I am posting videos, how about I post a video I made about making a beverage that is the key to health this winter:

Here is a test to see if my wife actually read this:  the frozen strawberries do not work as well as the fresh ones.

If you think that it is only RGIII vs. Luck for the future of the QB position you are not paying attention.  Those guys are fantastic but Russell Wilson is right there with them.  Back to Back drives against the Bear's defense?  I like it.  

I am running out of material and time, about to clean up and head to school for a Criminal Law review.  You guys keep it real.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

P!nk: A closer look...

One of the more polarizing figures in modern music is Pink.  Some view her as just another run-of-the-mill pop music act who is more style than substance.  I, on the other hand, believe her to be an uber-talented musician who represents independence and the importance of loving yourself.

I believe even Pink's biggest detractors would concede that she has been outrageously successful commercially.  That same group would most likely admit that she has a resonating, powerful voice that cannot be denied.  The differences in opinion arise from her music's substance and style, as well as her personal aesthetic and "act", so to speak.  Is Pink a phony-tough fake who sings absurd songs about partying and being a bad ass?  Or, is she a genuine talent who speaks for those who all-too-often do not speak for themselves?  I believe she is the latter.

"Her hair makes her look like a boy!"  "What is she wearing?"  "I do not think she should be singing about getting drunk and cursing is her music, she is supposed to be a role model for young girls!"  Sound familiar?  Shouldn't we have our daughters just listen to Taylor Swift (no offense, love her too) sing a song about crying after a boy broke her heart?  Women should not tell guys to eff off, right?  Let's tone down the noise about actual emotions and focus more on our looks and manners.

Wait a second, public displeasure with Pink sounds a lot like a 1950's black and white short about "how to be a lady".  Get the fuck out of here, this is MUSIC we are talking about.  All of the anti-establishment ideas we embrace about punk rock are frowned upon when coming from Pink.  Rappers routinely rap about partying, going to the club and treating women like shit.  Why is that okay for them, but when Pink says go to the club, party and have respect for yourself people lose their mind?  

Maybe it is just that we group Pink in with other pop acts who just skim the surface and turn out manufactured "love" songs hit after hit.  If that is the case, we need to remove her from that group and recognize her as a rock music artist who has carried "pop punk" for the last decade.  Pink goes deeper than standard-issue, modern day "oh, you're sexy, I'm sexy too, let's hook up" bullshit that dominates the pop charts.  This mantra does not represent how 99% of music listeners actually live their lives.  We are routinely called ugly, fat, and stupid by the world around us. We fall in love with people who do not love us back.  We have bad days, we say things we do not mean, and we do things we are not proud of.  This is the real world, and Pink's music represents this.  

Now, it should be noted than I love a well written song as much as the next guy and the substance of Pink's lyrics have been a frequent subject of scorn from her foes.  Yes, "so what?, I'm a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight" is not going to lead Spin Magazine guy (more about him here) to wax poetic about Pink changing his life.  On the other hand, "you're so mean, when you talk, about yourself, you are wrong, change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" has assuredly made a bullied, hurting teenager see themselves in a better light.  I believe sometimes it is better to speak simply from the heart than intricately from somewhere else.   

In conclusion, I doubt that non-fans who read this are going to run out and buy Pink's catalog.  I am not trying to imply that everyone should like Pink's music, only that they reconsider what it is they believe her music stands for.  With bullying and self hate becoming a national crisis, it is refreshing to see someone not only denounce the bullies, but tell them to go to hell as well.  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sports Thoughts 09/25/12

I am not going to waste my time agreeing with everyone else that the referee situation in the NFL is a mess.  I will share a meme I made:
Make Your Own at Zipmeme.com
Ok another...

See what I did there?  It is called a transition.  I am now going to make my extremely biased choice for the American League MVP and Cy Young.  You guessed it, Miggy should win the MVP (regardless of whether or not he wins the Triple Crown) and Justin Verlander should win the AL Cy Young.  I admit that Mike Trout is deserving of the award as well, but I am taking Miguel because WAR is a flawed statistic and should not supplant every other criteria for the award.  That would be like saying "instead of counting the entire electoral college for the election, we are just going to go whichever way Oregon goes, that seems like a cool state.  People treat WAR as if there was a parallel universe where this "replacement player" was put in every situation and AB that the player being compared to was a part of.  IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.  If you like newer trendier statistics: Miguel has a better OPS and more Runs Created.  Trout steals more bases and plays better defense but he strikes out more and has cooled off down the stretch run.  Am I going to never watch baseball again if Trout wins?  Of course not.  Do I think Miguel deserves consideration for his phenomenal career to this point? No.  I think that if you look at this year in its entiety, throw out the sexy story lines and sexy statistics, then you will see that Miguel has been the Most Valuable Player in the MLB this year.

Now I will make my case for Justin Verlander...he has the highest WAR of every AL pitcher.  DUH.

Photo courtesy of  http://media.mlive.com/tigers_impact/photo/11553281-large.jpg

My top 10 NFL teams right now regardless of record and not over-reacting to anything:

10. Seattle Seahawks-  Defense is awesome, Russ Wilson getting there, best home field advantage in league

9.   Cincinnati Bengals- The defense needs to shore up but the offense looks fantastic

8.   Chicago Bears- Opposite of Bengals

7.   Pittsburgh Steelers- Big Ben playing like an MVP but defense has me SMDH

6.  Arizona Cardinals- The Good: Defense top 5 in NFL The Bad: Kevin Kolb starting QB The Ugly: John Skelton may create a QB controversy when he is healthy

5.  San Fransisco 49ers-  Runs, stops the run, great coach, but just an OK QB (keep in mind, do not over-react, he is still Alex Smith

4.  New England Patriots- BIAS ALERT by week 8 Hernandez will be back and defense will be top 10 in NFL, playing so much better.  D just has to learn to finish

3.  Green Bay Packers- Defense is much improved, something tells me A Rod will be ok

2.  Baltimore Ravens/Atlanta Falcons-  They aren't going anywhere.  Awesome D, emerging receivers, QB becoming stud

1.  NY Giants-  Defending champs and playing like it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Sports Thoughts 09/11/12

This is probably the 2nd best time of the year for sports (March Madness, Masters, Opening day being #1), baseball pennant chases are heating up, NFL and college football are up and running and my new "thing", the English Premier League, is the perfect Saturday morning warm-up.  With this in mind, I figured Proctor's Type will throw out a few "takes" on what is going on around the world.  I would like to fire up some civil debate as well as have something permanent that my readers and I can go back to and look how foolish I was.

1)  Djokovic > ?

Am I the only one who thought Wimbledon 2012 was Federer's last hurrah, that Nadal would unfortunately succumb to chronic knee injuries and that Djokovic would dominate men's tennis for a long, long time?  Enter Andy Murray.  I know, Andy Murray is a name that had been hanging around the party but he was stuck in the corner talking to the annoying drunk guy.  Well get Andy a martini and open up the VIP room, Novak is there and the party has grown by one.  Yesterday on twitter (@proctorstype) I proclaimed that Djokovic was undoubtedly going to come back and win.  He did not, and now Andy Murray has a grand slam to go with his gold medal.  I still think Djokovic has men's tennis in his grasp but that grip has loosened a tad.

Nice 'Cep
Photo courtesy of  http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/files/2012/09/murray_798430c-1.jpg

2)  NFL Week One overreaction

Is there a more ridiculous dichotomy than sports media proclaiming that everyone will over-react to Week One and then the same talking heads insanely over-reacting to Week One in the National Football League?  If an alien came to Earth and listened to ESPN radio the past few days, he would learn the following things about the NFL:

The five best Quarterbacks in the NFL are 1. RGIII (alien would assume this is his proper name) 2. Joe Flacco 3. Tony Romo 4. Peyton Manning and 5. Mark Sanchez.  

The Saints, Steelers, Packers, Giants and Eagles all suck.

A 49ers v. Ravens Superbowl is a given.

The Jets are actually good and are now the class of the AFC East.  (Being a Patriots fan, I love that this is the story)

2/3 of the NFL starting QBs are "elite".  Alien would look up definition of elite and not understand this, just like everyone else.

3)  Alabama looks unstoppable.  They will most likely coast to an undefeated BCS championship.  They may be even better than their last few years.  Blah, blah, blah.  One thing they could not do is BEAT AN NFL team.  The Browns would beat them.  The Vikings would blow them out.  The notion that any NCAA team could beat any professional team (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL) is ridiculous.  Seriously, it is bullshit fodder that is something stupid drunk people rant about that but do not understand.  The Bobcats would have beat UK by 20 points last year.  If you gave the Astros metal bats they would run rule Arizona.  And whoever won the Frozen Four would get their ass kicked by whoever won the Stanley Cup.  

I think people do not realize that professional athletes are the best of the best AND they get bigger, faster, stronger and more skilled after they become professionals.  Not every player from Alabama signs to play in the NFL.  If they were better than the Browns players wouldn't the Browns cut their roster and sign all of the undrafted Alabama players?  

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Hello World

Hello team,
Long time no blog.  Well, ol' pretty P (me) has been a little busy with starting law school, traveling up to Chippewa country for a rowdy wedding last weekend, and eating a lot of beans.  I am going with the dark red kidney beans today FYI.  Today I am going to slide right in and bang a quickie out.  I am also going to post a short blog with haste.  A few memes I made and a thought on the upcoming college football season...

I am renaming "First World Problems" meme "East End Problems" for the purpose of this blog.  I heard someone say one time that ranking "worlds" (first world, third world) is not politically correct.  And I have always believed why not be politically correct if you can?  Here is a East End Problem:

We all love Condescending Wonka...

For those of you who are friends with my cat Bagheera on Facebook you know he is a little emo.  So I have made a new meme, meet Emo Bagheera...

And a Bad Luck Brian...

College football is ready to get going and all I can say is I hope you are on the train.  I see big things for my Cards this year and hopefully they take care of business against those Cats this Sunday (Funday).  I will take my Cardinals 31-17.  The best thing about going back to school?  Student season tickets...
Photo Courtesy of Louisville Cardinals Facebook Page

I will close with a thought on Penn State.  I will be cheering for these guys Saturday at noon for two reasons.  First they are playing CMU conference rival Ohio U and I want Ohio to lose.  Secondly, and more importantly, I want these guys, who had NOTHING to do with the monster Sandusky, the joke that was Joe Paterno or anyone else involved with the atrocities that took place prior to them getting there, to build something new.  If you are a Penn State fan you need to be on board with that.  Paterno's time cannot be considered "glory days", those were the dark times.  Now is the time for something truly special, put the football in the past, remember the victims and hope that these young hard-working, loyal men will redeem your school.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

And on the 4th Day...

Proctor's World
Holy shit, 2012 is turning into the year for music.  This past week I purchased tickets to see Mumford and Sons at the waterfront here in Louisville.  The concert happens to be August 13th, which is not only the day after my birthday, but the first day of law school orientation.  Add in our previously blogged about Springsteen show in Detroit, as well as a solid Counting Crows show at Iroquois and you have a string of legitimate, real deal concerts.  What could take 2012 to the next music level?  The Killers.  I do not know if the Killers are going to add some US dates to their fall tour, but if they do you can bet your bippy we will catch them somewhere.   Springsteen has already released Wrecking Ball this year, Mumford and the Killers will be releasing albums this fall, I am telling you 2012 may be THE year for Proctor's Type brand of music.

Our World
It has been a few months since Laura and I made the decision to make Whole Foods our primary destination for grocery purchase.  Yes, it is more expensive and sometimes the store can be cramped.  Sure the pace can be hectic and the kids in the store out of control (more on this later).  But all in all I know we made a positive decision for our health.  The feeling of superiority you get just from walking in is an added bonus as well. I hope some of you give Whole Foods a try and now I am going to provide you with a general breakdown of the five types of Whole Foods shoppers and what to expect from each:

1.  The First Timer-  Unfortunately everyone has to play this role at least once.  These people are so easy to spot, they do not know a GMO from a WMD.  You can see them wondering the store looking for the Nabisco products.  Hell, they did not even bring their own bags! We are going to move on...

2.  The Vegan-  Not as common as you might think.  They went the way of the community garden a long time ago.  If you see one pretending to buy meat they are covering up their ties to eco-terrorist groups, or so I have been told.

3.  The fairly normal people who watched too many food documentaries-  This is where Laura and I come in.  Had it not been for Food Inc., Forks Over Knives, and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead we would still be filling our cart up for $100 at a regular grocery store.  We would still have American grocery staples like Little Debbies, regular white bread and Fat Free ranch dressing.  Damn netflix!

4.  The East End Man-  Oh you know he had to make an appearance.  He spends the majority of the time complaining about the prices and "the stoned cashiers" yet he still goes because he does not want to be the "cheap grocery guy".  Plus Clif Bars do not take up a lot of room in his golf bag.  He is also the reason the beer section now has Michelob Ultra.

5.  The Weirdest Person You Have Ever Met In Your Life-  I obviously cannot give a description for this

Tool of the Week
Whole Foods Kid and Parents Responsible
Now before we get all up in arms, the Whole Kids Foundation IS NOT the tool of the week.  I am sure they do great work.  I am referring to the "Whole Foods Kid", you know, the one who runs around knocking shit over while his mom is scrutinizing the ingredient label.  The kid I am referring to is a "free spirit" according to his mother.  Who is she to tell him to stop ramming the cart into the back of my ankles?  If he wants to eat every damn piece of cheese from the sample I have been eyeing for 15 minutes, why stop him?  

I am sure you read a life-changing parenting technique book that told you your child acting like a craphead is acceptable as long as they have a gluten free diet, but the fact of the matter is the WFKs are getting out of hand.  If your children want to wear their Halloween costume everyday, fine.  If your children want to dance, I hope they do.  But dammit, if your children make my agonizing Sunday afternoon Whole Foods trip even less bearable then we have a problem!

Beer of the Week
Leffe Blonde

Laura and I were at Whole Foods (catching onto a theme here?) picking out beers to pregame a concert the next night.  Wanting something crisp and drinkable in the heat I opted for the Leffe Blonde, a delicious, golden Belgian Ale.  Needless to say, I did not wait until the concert and I enjoyed a few on the back patio with Laura.  These beers are 6.6 ABV and very drinkable, which is great.  The downfall is the 11.2 oz. bottle.  

Thursday, June 21, 2012

And on the 4th Day...

Proctor's World
A couple major shavings highlight this past week in the Proctor family.  It started with your's truly shaving off a forgettable beard and rocking a mustache for around five hours.  Despite my enjoyment and satisfaction with the mustache, I eventually gave into outside pressures and shaved it off.  The main opponent was my beautiful wife, who, for whatever reason, cannot stand me having a mustache.  It makes her mad, and not in one of those "oh I do not think that looks good, but you are cute anyway" ways.   I think it upsets her more than anything else I say or do, which is saying a lot.
R.I.P (mustache, not me, I am still alive)
Our big-headed dog finally got his overdue summer shave.  Hopefully this will keep him cool and the 45 minute "pant as if you are going to die" sessions after each walk come to an end.

Quick Weight Watchers update:  22 total down since I started

Our World
We meet people all of the time and we tend to meet people in various social settings.  Be it at work, church or a cocktail party, we must make split-second decisions about what we say and do in the initial meet.  Unfortunately there is no perfect way to greet a brand new acquaintance, but Proctor's Type is here to help by providing the pros and cons of different greeting methods. 

The insanely firm handshake and stare:
Pros- You have temporarily appeased your insecurities and asserted your strength and dominance.  You do not have to worry about the person you just met ever voluntarily talking to you again.
Cons- The person you just met thinks (knows?) you are an asshole.  Also you could cause undue pain to someone with a hand or wrist injury.

The Hug:
Pros- If you can pull it off, hugging a stranger instantly makes you and that person friends.  You are considered a loving, open person.
Cons- Numerous. You may creep the unsuspecting stranger out.  You may be sued for sexual harassment.  If the hug receiver has a gun in their waistband you risk triggering it and being shot.

The Salute:  
There is never a time or place for a civilian to do this.  If the person you are meeting is in the military they will assume you are mocking them, which you are.  If the person you are meeting is not in the military they will assume you are a dork, which you are.

Reaching for you wallet because you assume they are going to ask you for money:
aka the East End Man special
Pros- People will assume you have a lot of money and are charitable.
Cons-What bad could possibly come from exhibiting your wealth and influence?

Tool of the Week

Honestly I am not 100% sure what Socialcam is or how it is any different than Youtube.  All I know is that every time I log onto Facebook one of my friends is watching one of these videos.  Sometimes they seem very disgusting, something to the effect of "watch this guy drink his own urine" or "check out the world's worst dandruff".  More often they seem to be violent such as "lil' dude knocks the fuck out of big ol' dude" or  "mom breaks bottle on daughter's boyfriend's head".  The worst part is that, in the rare instance one of these videos seem appealing, I cannot even open the link without installing something.

Beer of the Week
Bell's Oarsman Ale

On first sip, the sour mash in this beer is almost too much, but that is what makes the beer so delicious.  This beer is the Lemonheads of brewing, the sour is balanced just enough to make ceasing consumption impossible.   Be warned, this is one of Bell's few session beers, with a meek 4.0% abv, so a sixer may not do the trick.  

Thursday, June 14, 2012

And on the 4th Day...

Proctor's World
Well I officially know my last day with the bank: July 27th.  Working with 5/3 has had its ups and downs like anything else, but I have met some solid bruhs and bruhettes along the way.  As the ol' saying goes, this law school train is a-rollin' down the tracks , no point in hitting the brakes now.  Orientation starts August 13th (the day after my birthday) so I will have a couple weeks to unwind and prepare.  It is not, however, a long enough period to "find myself" as so many do the summer before starting a major endeavor.  The idea of this has always intrigued me and I have been wanting to create my own Willy Wonka meme so..

Our World
For my readers outside of Louisville, you may be unfamiliar with the "East End Man" character, but after hearing just a little bit about him I am sure you will be able to match him to a similar type in 
your area.

Summer time is special: the days are long, school is out and everyone seems to be having fun.  Lost in the shuffle is the summer time plight of the East End Man.  It is far too warm to layer Northface apparel and snow cannot be used as his justification for having an H2.  His swinger Halloween  party is still months away and his Kentucky Oaks box next to Jon Bon Jovi seems like a distant memory.  So just how does the East End Man display his superiority for the rest of the world during these hot months?  Below are five pointers for the East End Man to maintain his prestige during summer:

1.  Vacation- Be sure to vacation at an exclusive area outside of a very popular tourist area.  For example, if someone asks you where you are going on vacation say something like "we are headed to St. Bartholomew island, it is a nice little spot a few miles from Daytona Beach".  This way it is obvious you are near the party but still above it.

2.  Vacation Cont.- Keep in mind it is better to say "we have a place in (vacation destination)" than "we are going to (vacation destination)" because then people know you are not renting.  You could also say "we have a little place in (vacation destination)" so if the person you are talking to ever visits they will be impressed with the size of your second home.

3.  Sunglasses- It seems like everybody and their brother has Ray Bans these days, so the East End Man is left with two choices.  The first is to buy sunglasses more expensive than Ray Bans and somehow convey to everyone that they are better.  The second is to wear Ray Bans but whenever someone asks about them just say "oh, I buy these cheap things because I am always losing my sunglasses or sitting on them".

4.  Polo Shirts- It is still upsetting that those punk kids have taken to ruining the classic Polo Ralph Lauren brand.  Thankfully golf heroes like Greg Norman have taken to "designing" their own line of polo shirts.  Wear those.

5.  Beer- Two words: Amstel Light

Tool of the Week
Jim Rome
I will admit that I like Jim Rome.  I think he is funny, has solid takes and knows a lot about sports.  But this week Rome messed with the wrong guy when he asked NBA commissioner David Stern if the draft lottery was fixed.  I cannot not do Stern justice by paraphrasing just how much he killed Rome on his own show, here is the audio:
From Deadspin

Beer of the Week
Old Peculier 
Buddy brought a couple of these over in a mix 6 while we watched England vs. France.  A perfect Old Ale with a classic flavor that you do not see around much anymore.  Next goal: to try if from a cask

Sunday, June 10, 2012

A Haunting in Lyndon

I think it is safe to say that readers of Proctor's Type have experienced a wide range of feelings and emotions through these words; however, fear is not one of them.  That is about to change when I share with you the horrific events of this past Friday evening.  A warning: what you are about to read is scary, real and not for the faint of heart.  This is a tale that will be told by campfires for generations to come and the scariest part is it really happened.  

It all started innocently enough.  Myself and a bruh, Ian, stopped by a Lyndon drinking establishment to celebrate a rousing kickball victory and take in the night.  When we entered everything seemed normal: there were staggering 40 somethings who had apparently been there since around 2:30 in the afternoon, a few younger bruh-types and various tattoos.  It was when we ordered our first beers that things began to become eerie...

Not wanting to offset the intense cardiovascular exercise that is kickball, I opted for a Miller Lite draft and when the 16 or 23 oz. option was given to me by the bartender, I requested the big one.  Ian, wanting to mix it up a little bit, ordered:

"I will have a Brooklyn Summer Ale, 23 oz. please."

To which, the bartenders eyes lit up and he replied coldly:

"I can't do that"

Ian, curious, inquired:


The bartender shook his head:

"I can only do the 16 oz., the large one would be like 10 dollars or something."

Ian, wanting a large beer, proceeded to order a Miller Lite 23 oz. for which he was charged $3.50.

We took our beers to the back deck, chalked the Brooklyn Summer Ale fiasco to the bartender having math trouble (the pint would have been $4) and began what the kids call "shooting the poop".  A couple more beers were ordered and things seemed to be getting back to normal.  That is, until the sun came down and we noticed movement in the undeveloped commercial property beside the bar.  The overgrown field had gone unnoticed the first hour or so we were there, but now we could not keep our eyes off of it.

From the field came groups of two or three men at a time, walking to the bar through the field, their origins unknown.  The haze over the grass in the field gave the impression that they had simply came from the field itself, appearing out of thin air, giving a strange Field of Dreams vibe.  Who were these men?  Where had they come from?  What did they want?  Ian and I discussed various possibilities, but none made sense.  The men's behavior after their arrival to the bar only added to our suspicions.

Each man would enter the bar, say hello to a few regulars, request a drink for which they were denied, and walk back into the field, disappearing into thin air.  Being one that always looks to science first and doubts the paranormal (a Scully type), I tried every possible theory.  Maybe it was an optical illusion or maybe I was dreaming.  After none of these theories held any water, I had to open my mind and accept the situation for what it was, even if it is horrific and sad:

These men were restless souls who cannot find eternal peace until they have enjoyed a 23 oz. Brooklyn Summer Ale.  Night after night they come yearning for the large glass because the pint simply will not give them peace.  Then night after night, for whatever reason, they are turned away.  Why can't they simply pour the Brooklyn Summer Ale into the big glass?  Could it be the restless souls only have $9?  We will never know...

And because no good ghost story is complete without a twist...
Throughout the night we were given raffle tickets for a drawing we did not stay late enough for.  It makes you wonder what the drawing is for.  Could it be a talisman to ward off the restless souls?  Or better yet could they do a single drawing every night for the elusive 23 oz. Brooklyn Summer Ale?  Could our tickets have gotten a lost, yearning spirit out of Lyndon purgatory?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

And on the 4th Day...

Proctor's World
Hello World.  It has been nearly two months since my last And on the 4th Day... (more about this later) and a lot has been going on in Proctor's World.  Here are some pictures and context:
Pops and I pre-gaming Springsteen in Detroit
In late April, Laura, my parents and I ran up to Detroit for one of the best days of my life.  It started with a Tiger's victory at Comerica in which we were joined by more family (Andy and Cindy down from Petoskey) and culminated with Springsteen at the Palace of Auburn Hills.  Springsteen put on a hell of a show, we had custom shirts and I made an ass of myself afterwards in what will forever be known in my family as the "close your trunk" incident.  I can now cross seeing Springsteen with my wife and parents off of my bucket list.  

Way to go Sarah, we are proud of you!
We were in Michigan again this past weekend to see some family and celebrate Laura's sister Sarah's law school graduation.  Prior to Sunday's graduation ceremony we spent Saturday hitting up Founder's and New Holland brew pubs with other family (Josh, Megan & Co.).  Sunday we waited patiently and cheered loudly as Sarah crossed the finish line and then went to Gilbert & Blake's for an excellent celebratory dinner.  I had the Lobster Ravioli, highly recommended.

Seeing Sarah as well as friends Roy and Taylor graduate from law school has me excited for my upcoming law school journey.  Congratulations guys and I know you all will kill the bar.  

From biggest to smallest:  Carl, Laura, Bagheera
While all of our comings and goings are fun, it should be noted that we are still having a hoot here in Louisville.

Weight Watchers Update:  I have been maintaining for the most part the past couple of months.  22 LBs down to date.

Our World
With election season heating up we will hear a lot about what is going to change, what is going to stay the same, what our values are and what are values should be.  With this in mind, I have decided to list a few thoughts on what I would like to see come to fruition in terms of legislation in my city, state and country.  Some may seem more important than others and readers may very well disagree with some.  I would appreciate some high-brow feedback in the comments section, either agreeing or disagreeing.

1.  Gay Marriage-  Why is this a debate anymore?  Two consenting adults should be able to get married regardless of their sexuality.  Can we please stop this ridiculous "debate" and allow all Americans this most basic right?  There are real problems in this country and gay marriage is not one of them.  The only problem are these cruel amendments that are stomping on American's rights.  Twenty years from now when we have come to our senses and this is a non-issue we are going to look back and say "what in the hell was that?"

2.  Beer on Sundays-  I want to be at least one beer in by 1 PM kickoff on NFL Sundays.  I do not know why there is a law banning liquor sales until 1 PM on Sundays, but I know I want it repealed.  If it has something to do with church I will happily bring my bulletin to BW3s as some sort of pass to get a damn beer in my hands!

3.  Beer on Election Day- I voted and now I want to start the results party!  Is there really a problem with people getting drunk instead of voting? And if there is, are we really sure these are crucial votes in the election process?  Sell beer on election day!

4.  Golden Parachutes-  Think about your job and what happens if you screw up really bad.  If you are a math teacher and none of your students learn math because you spend the entire class talking about your sex life you would be fired.  Would you be given a large sum of money to leave?  I work at a bank, if someone comes in for a equity loan and I loan them 200k on a property worth 50k I would get fired and maybe sent to jail.  I would not be given my salary for the next three years as some sort of goodbye gift.  I am sick of company's laying off employees to fix the CEO's fuck-up and then turning around and giving said CEO millions to just get the hell out.  I am not sure how to legislate against this but I want it legislated against.

Tool of the Week
Eric Proctor
Birthday 2009, cruise ship, probably my 8th or 9th Caucasian

That is right, your's truly finally takes home the prize.  How does someone take nearly two months off from their supposedly weekly blog?  Especially after the previous And on the 4th Day... said I would be back on schedule?  The truth is I am not sure how often I will be able to blog for awhile.  Proctor's Type is not going away, but I do not want to win this award ever again by guaranteeing posts that may not come.

Beer of the Week
Bell's Oberon
Summer in a bottle.  10/10.  Crisp, refreshing.  I look forward to it every year.  Please do not put an orange in it.  Released annually right around Opening Day.  Summer beer does not get better than this.  $10-$12 for a six pack.

Monday, April 30, 2012

A Call to Action

FBI Ten Most Wanted

Dear Readers,
Above is a link to the FBI's ten most wanted fugitives.  These guys need to be caught, and today I am asking you, a reader of Proctor's Type, to help.  Learn the faces of these low-lifes, read about their crimes and check your social circles to see if you have been unknowingly spending time with a fugitive.  HINT:  they may be using an alias! 

I know Proctor's Type is, for the most part, a light-hearted, entertaining read but today we are going to discuss the scum of the Earth.  This is a list of thieves, murderers and perverts!  Have I ever told you how much I dislike criminals?  And to think these are some of the worst of the worst, still on the run and enjoying their freedom.  HINT #2:  Do not assume they are dead!  Murderers Fisher and Brown are known to have wilderness survival skills.  Pedophile Toth uses "charm" and intellect to enter a vast array of social circles.  Murderer Godwin has escaped from jail twice.  Theives Mogelivich and Gerena could very well be in their native countries (taking a vacation soon?).  Drug dealing murderers Ravelo and Saenz are most likely traveleing between Mexico and the United States southwest.   

This child killer makes me want to puke.  Be on the look out while in honduras.

These dregs of society are all in which leads me to HINT #3:  upon seeing a fugitive please consider them armed and extremely dangerous.  Men with nothing to lose tend to behave wildly, off the cuff so to speak.  Do not become their next victim.  If you suspect you have found a fugitive, please contact your local FBI office or law enforcement agency.  I do not want you to contact me personally until you have contacted the police or FBI.  I do not have the capabilities to apprehend a fugitive.  Please contact me afterward so I can share your success with all of my other readers.  I will dedicate an entire entry to your heroism and diligence.

I do not think one apprehension resulting from a reader sometime in the next three months is too much to ask for. 

Thank You,
Proctor's Type

P.S.  I want to give a special message to the pervert and newest entry to the list:  Eric Toth.  I do not like that we share the same first name and I do not like that you think it is ok to engage in production and distribution of child pornography.  I travel the midwest frequently to visit family and I will have my eyes peeled for you.

You'll be in jail soon!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

And on the 4th Day...(européenne nouvelles)

Hello everyone, I am aware this is my first blog entry in a month.  Life became very busy prepping for the honeymoon and very enjoyable while on the honeymoon.  And on the 4th Day... is back and can be expected weekly.  Thank you for reading and as always please "like" my Facebook page (Here) and share with your friends.

Proctor's World
Speaking of honeymoon, we are back and truly had what can only be described as a trip of a lifetime.  Let us rewind a little...
In October of 2009 I proposed to Laura, she said yes and we were soon discussing our honeymoon plans.  That is right, Laura was more excited about planning our honeymoon than the wedding itself.  She asked if we could go to Paris, I suggested London as well and the wheels were set in motion for a post-marriage European excursion.  From that point wedding planning took over and we were fortunate enough to have a beautiful wedding (Our Wedding) on October 1st 2011.

We planned our honeymoon to be around six months after our wedding.  After a decision not to use a travel agent, we needed ample time to plan and save funds as well.  All in all we settled on five nights in London, four nights in Paris and finally three more nights in London.  We booked our flights, renewed our Passports, secured our hotels and all of the sudden off we were...
Laura with a "proper" Guinness 

From the onset it seemed like everything lined up in our favor.  For example, we spent two weeks of late March in London and Paris and did not see one single drop of rain.  Our Welch friends were able to meet us for dinner and the Lion King in London.  Our flights, trains, subway trips, buses etc. were all safe and for the most part very timely.  We did not get pick-pocketed or lose anything.  All of the unfortunate things that can happen to travelers avoided us and for that I know we are extremely blessed.  From this point I could rattle off our itinerary and post all of our 1500 pictures but I would rather let the photographs and stories trickle out over time.  Our honeymoon will be something I remember and discuss forever.
Your's truly at the Louvre, just kidding, that is Stonehenge 

Our World 
Prior to traveling, especially internationally, one receives various tips, what-to-dos, and things to avoid.  Sorting through what is sound advice, what is bullshit and what is based on fictional television programming can be difficult and tiresome.  With this in mind I figured we would use hindsight and play a little over-rated/under-rated regarding Europe travel advice.

"Parisians are rude/hate Americans"
I can honestly say that I did not run into any of this during my time in Paris.  Sure French speaking people prefer a "Bonjour" to a "Hey", but that does not mean they are being rude.  The same people who are offended by French people wanting to speak French are the same ones who would be incensed if a Hispanic person approached them and began speaking Spanish.  They are the same people who spend hours complaining that there is a Spanish option on automated telephone menus.  Speaking English is not some sort of rite of passage in the world.  In fact, if someone does give you the courtesy of speaking English to you when it is not their primary language, you should thank them.

Also, I call bullshit on Parisians hating Americans as some sort of general rule.  Again those who are spouting this off are hypocrites whom for whatever reason do not like the French.  I am sure there are some Parisians who do not like Americans, but from what I saw they are few and far between.  Parisians are proud of their beautiful city and enjoy tourists from all around the world coming to enjoy it.  So as long as you arrive in Paris and do not order freedom fries or tell the cafe owner they are lucky you are there because O'Reilly ended his French boycott you will be well received.
I have been told that the French economy is slowly but surely recovering

"London/Paris is expensive"
This, for the most part, is true.  As a very general rule of thumb, I realized prices in London and Paris are comparable to what they would be in American dollars, so you lose out on the exchange rate.  The further you get away from tourist attractions the more reasonable the prices become.  One way to save some serious money is to avoid pricey restaurants and eat at British Pubs and French Cafes.  The quality of the food is excellent and the beer/wine selection and pricing is superior.  Below is what Laura and I voted as the best meal we had, a lunch consisting of Duck skewers and Rosemary potatoes, wine and Laura's ratatouille.  It ran us about 40 Euro (service and tax are included in menu price):
"Make sure you have a pair of comfortable shoes"
We walked a lot.  A conservative estimate of our daily walking would be 6-8 miles.  Luckily, we were prepared.  I purchased a pair of Clark's and Laura rocked some Merrell's, both of which are considered to be on the Mount Rushmore of shoe companies that combine comfort and style.

I know I said Sports would no longer be a section of And on the 4th Day... but I wanted to give some quick props to my University of Louisville Cardinal's who won the Big East tournament and made a sensational Final 4 run.  And although I cannot bring myself to cheer for them, I would like to congratulate the U of K Wildcats on bringing the championship back to Kentucky and reminding everyone that our state is the Mecca of college basketball.  
Photo courtesy of hellinthehall.com

Boys and girls this is the best time of year for sports with March Madness wrapping up, the Master's about to tee off, MLB opening day and the NFL draft looming.  Enjoy it.

Tool of the Week
The inconsiderate photo-taker
Five Seconds.  If I am walking into the path of your photo, I will stop for five seconds and allow you to take your picture.  If you think you are Ansel Adams and want to get the lighting just right and adjust the spectrum or whatever goes into it, you are going to have to deal with people walking into your photo.  I like taking pictures as well and I know how frustrating it can be when someone knowingly steps into the line of your picture.  This is why I instituted the five second rule.  Now, for those of you wondering, yes, both five second rules can be combined  If you drop food on the ground and are about to walk into someone's picture, you are allotted ten seconds.  

Much worse than the long photo taker is the the person who asks you to take a picture of them and then wants to review it.  I am ok if you want to make sure you did not blink but you are allowed a brief glance review of the photo.  I volunteered to take the photo, I am not a hired hand!  It would be different if you offered me five Euros to take a perfect photo and I agree, thereby entering into some type of verbal contract. Also, if I take a picture of you and your wife, you cannot appear baffled if I ask for the same fucking courtesy.

Beer of the Week
Young's Bitter (from the cask)
I could not get enough of the cask-conditioned beer selection within those fabulous English pubs.  It was hard to pick a favorite but I went with the popular Young's Bitter.  It only takes one sip to realize that the higher temperature of the beer is perfectly balanced with the slight bitterness of the ale.  These beers are lower ABV than one would think but you better watch out because the go down easily as well.  I cannot fathom why more American bars do not have some casks mixed in.  

Thursday, March 8, 2012

And on the 4th Day...

Proctor's World
I would like to start by thanking my readers for helping me to surpass a milestone.  After last week's "And on the 4th Day..." Proctor's Type surpassed 10,000 page views.  When I started a little over a year ago I did not know how much I would enjoy blogging and if I was just going through a phase.  It turns out I love writing Proctor's Type and for the most part look forward to a few hours brainstorming and typing every week.  Readership has gone up overall and I have a solid group of 50 or so who are checking in weekly.

My next goal is to finally reap the financial benefits of blogging.  I am only $20 away from reaching my first $100 threshold payout!  Certainly not going to make me rich but you can bet I am going to buy $100 worth of the coolest shit imaginable (beer).  Actually check that...I am going to buy $50 worth of beer and make a $50 donation to the Humane Society of Kentucky.  How am I making this ridiculous amount of cash?   It comes from people reading my blog (impressions) and ad revenue.

Once again Thank You

Weight Watchers update:  0.6 up this week.  I had an active week and stayed within my points so I think the slightly heavier weigh-in was pay back for a little cheating I did before last week's weigh-in.

Our World
Who does not love a good drinking game every now and then?  Mindless drinking to excess based on flimsy "rules" is a sure ticket to a night of fun.  Unfortunately, these games tend to get old quickly.  With this in mind, I have decided to make a few new drinking games based on television programs for you all to enjoy.  Here are a few basic rules:
1.  Do not drive after playing
2.  A "drink" is approximately one ounce of beer or malt liquor, these are more common.
3.  A "shot" is a shot of liquor, these are less common.
4.  A "chug" is a continuous gulping of beer or malt liquor for a specified amount of time.

1.  Take a shot every time Adam reacts emotionally and hastily to a situation then later apologizes and makes things right.
2.  Chug for the entirety of every one of Max's tantrums.
3.  Take a drink every time Julia's career as a lawyer is mentioned.
4.  Did Sarah just let someone take advantage of her?  Take a drink.
5.  If Joel ever does anything wrong take a shot.
6.  Anytime anyone is at the breakfast place take a shot of maple syrup.
7.  If Zeke's form of tough love turns out to be successful take a drink.
Super Drunk Bonus:  Take a shot every time someone says "family".

Criminal Minds 
1.  Take a drink every time an inference is correctly made based on an agent's behavioral science training.
2.  Take a shot every time an incorrect inference is made.
3.  Is that a smile on Hotchner's face?  Take a shot.
4.  Chug for the entire time that takes place between the killer holding their ultimate prize hostage and the team arriving on the scene and talking the killer down.
5.  Did one of the agents just get captured?  Take a shot.
6.  Did an agent survive a gun shot?  Take a shot.
7.  Take a drink every time someone says "Quantico"
8.  Take a drink every time Morgan says something "cute" to Garcia and vice-versa
Super Drunk Bonus-  If you are not sure if an episode is new or from a few years ago within the first five minutes of the show, double all of your drinks.
Close enough, this will cost you a shot

Grey's Anatomy
I do not watch this one as much but I am pretty sure these rules will still apply
1.  Take a drink every time a specific surgery is mentioned
2.  Did a surgery with a <10% chance of working work?  Take a shot.
3.  Take a shot at every instance of obvious medical malpractice.
4.  Chug during the entirety of every sex in a medical closet scene.
5.  If Yang's drive to be a professional surgeon is causing problems in her personal life take a shot.
6.  Did either Grey say or do something stupid?  Take a drink.
7.  If Alex shows his softer side take a drink.
8.  Did an intern just get treated like crap?  Take a drink.
Super Drunk Bonus:  Chug during the entirety of every montage featuring dramatic scenes and a trendy singer-songwriter song in the background.

Sports will no longer be featured in And on the 4th Day...
I will occasionally post special entries on the world of sports as well as begin writing for straitpinkie.com and straitcards.com.
Be on the lookout for a full MLB preview with a drinking game for each team.

Tool of the Week
I opened up TOTW to the readers last week and received some excellent candidates.  It was too hard to pick just one so I will present three reader-selected Tools of the Week:

-Happy from Fairdale commented:
"My tool of the week candidate is Andrew Schiff. The story that quoted him discussing "the hardships" of having your salary drop to $350k went viral. His follow-up was that he is on the low payment rung of his company and just trying to live as a middle class New Yorker. I know NYC is an expensive place, but nowhere in America is $350k considered middle class. The guy has a summer home and his kids are in private school for heaven's sake. I'll give it to him that the economy has effected his income, but does it really give him the right to complain like that with so many unemployed?"

Excellent Choice Happy but you're too nice...Fuck Him.

-Tim from Chicago chose a commercial character:

That Progressive Insurance guy with the mustache. He needs to back the fuck off with his meter feeding, toll paying, bag check reimbursement ways. That is not at all what it's like to switch insurance companies. Isn't Flo enough, Progressive? Or do we need a guy who unrealistically forces down a false notion of money in my pocket thanks to switching insurance?

Well Said.

-Will from Spain (interestingly also nominated for TOTW) chose Bob Morris, a state representative from Indiana:

Try as I might to make this dumbass sound even more Tool than he already is, I cannot defeat his own words:

Nice hair, dipshit
-Two readers Paul and Melissa both from Louisville nominated the hateful blob that is Rush Limbaugh but that is just too easy.  Melissa said it best:
" Rush Limbaugh? But he's for sure tool of the millenium, so maybe let someone else 'win'. Perhaps... I can't think of anyone, my heart burns with anger. "


Beer of the Week
Dos Equis Amber, draft 32 oz. w/ lime

This should be your only choice when going to a Mexican restaurant.  If they do not have Dos Equis Amber or if it not on draft or if they do not offer the 32 oz. serving do not go there.