Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Things to throw in the fire

If there is a choice between burning something and throwing it away, I am always going to opt for the cremation. If I spend an hour or two trimming bushes in the yard, you can bet I will be burning the scraps in the fire pit out back (along with the cardboard from the recycling bin).  Theres something that I really like about knowing that something that is burned no long exists (hey chemistry major, I don't care what actually happens, please don't ruin this blog post with an explanation).  With this in mind, I began to think, what if there was a huge burning fire where we could permanently roast things from our past.  It could be past relationships, past hobbies, a college course you hated, basically anything you want thrown in the fire and completely forgotten about with no evidence that it ever existed (or happened).  I have decided to share a couple of my items for the fire...
I want to burn a phase in my life, but I don't know what to call it.  Was it a "redneck phase", a "country phase" or maybe even a "rowdy phase"?  Before I decide what I am going to call the soon-to-be scorched phase of my life, I want to preface it by saying that I had a lot of fun with my family and friends during it.  I would not be burning those memories.  The things to burn would be more along the lines of choices I made regarding fashion, music, grammar usage etc.  With that in mind, I have decided to call it my "country phase", which, thankfully, did not last very long.  Some of my closest friends and family did not even know this was going on, but it was.   I was doing things that I thought were reflective of a simpler way of life.  I listened to a lot of country music, said "ain't" a couple of times and even bought a cowboy hat.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't cut out for this lifestyle and that I wanted to go back to my cushy suburban life.  It's hard to reflect upon this part of my life and not hear Travis Tritt playing in the background and realizing how close I was to buying a truck (a dodge!).   So its with a "O, Hell Yeah" that I  toss my country phase into the fire:


 With the fire now raging from Wranglers and diesel fuel, it is time for me to toss in some glossy, less flammable reading material.  Years ago I was in college and listening to a lot of music.  I listened to every style of music from 50s rock to modern day techno and everything in between.  With so much music being listened to, it became obvious that I should read about it also.  Having already subscribed to Rolling Stone magazine for years, I felt that I needed to add something newer, more cutting edge to my music magazine collection.  It soon became obvious that I needed Spin magazine!  Spin was so cool: the type was really small and the pictures were provocative and weird.  There was only one problem, I had paid $20 for an annual subscription to a magazine that sucks.  

I will admit that it took me a couple of months to realize just how much I hated reading Spin magazine.  I wanted so much to like it and be hip by reading it, but I just couldn't.  I didn't like that every band or musician I had ever heard of or listened to always got a bad review and was called tired or washed up.  I don't give a shit if Dan Steebo's Hand Job's latest album "!!ruserious!!" is considered purely genius by some run of the mill hip guy who wrote the review before he listened to a single note.  Spin isn't about reviewing music, its about giving its readers a false feeling of superiority about their musical choices and forming a support network (other spin readers) to feed their ego.  

Another unfortunate byproduct of Spin Magazine is "Spin magazine guy".  We all know this guy or have encountered him before.  Here is a short play I wrote starring Spin magazine guy:

(two guys seated at a bar discussing music)
Guy One:  I think Nirvana deserves all of the accolades they receive... they did start the Grunge Era you know?

(Seated across room, Spin Magazine Guy removes one ear bud and listens intently)

Guy Two:  I respectfully disagree, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were superior musical talents who did not receive the national attention that Nirvana received because of Cobain's suicide.  

(Livid, Spin Magazine Guy rips off headphones and sprints toward guys conversing at bar)

Spin Magazine Guy:  You guys don't know what you're talking about!  All of those bands sucked!  Real grunge music was started by Stupendous Peters in the late 80s, everyone knows that!

Guy One:  There's no way Stupendous Peters started anything because NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE FUCK THAT IS!  Now get away from us!

(end of play)

I think I have throughly described why I want to rid myself of my past Spin magazine subscription.  
Into the Fire!
What do you want to throw into the fire?  As we grow and change through life, we find more and more need for this fire.  I plan on keeping this fire raging, and you will undoubtedly see more items thrown in throughout the course of Proctors Type.


  1. I would burn my long hair phase. With my beard grown out I looked like fat Jesus.

  2. Screw phases, just throw all the Spin Magazine guys into fire. They deserve it.

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