Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Perfect Room

There is a spare bedroom in the back of our house that doesn't get much use.  Currently it has a futon and a sweet 35" Sony console TV in it.  I think Laura puts her makeup on in there...

Obviously something needs to be done that can make our family better utilize this space.  The room is (10 x 10) or (12 x 12) or something (if you were looking for Bob Vila's blog, look elsewhere).  Although not huge, the room has plenty of room for a ton of cool shit.  With this in mind, I have sought out to plan the perfect room.  This is going to be a greater undertaking than most would imagine, seeing that no one else in the history of the world has had the perfect room.  As I go through this I want you to use your imagination and visualize just how great it would be to have a room as I am about to describe.

We will start by removing everything that is already in the room, giving us a fresh start to make the room as perfect as possible.  The walls are green (Laura painted them when we moved in) and the ceiling is white, this color scheme is fine with me since most would agree that "green is serenity".  The pressing question is what in the world would we hang on the walls?  Well, I will start by telling you that one whole wall would be a fresh-water fish tank.  I chose fresh water because that is what I am more familiar with: I bathe in it, drink it etc.  We could put some Bass, Catfish and Bluegill in there; fish that won't offend a bunch of people.  Add a sweet black light behind the fish tank and I think it's safe to say we have one awesome wall.

Before I continue with wall decor, I think it is important to note what the lighting scheme will be.  Besides the black light behind the fish tank, there will be no other artificial lighting in the room.  The room will be lit by jar candles of various scents and colors.  Jar candles are nice because they are safe and the wax that accumulates in them can be used for future arts and craft projects: win, win.  I think the perfect scent combination would be 2/3 "fresh" 1/6 molasses 1/6 cookie dough.  During Christmas time we may rotate in some cinnamon.

With lighting and one wall squared away, we move onto wall number two.  This wall will house all of my posters and artwork I am not currently allowed to hang up in the house.  I will have to un-gift the Great White Shark photo I gave my friend Craig for his college graduation and give it the appropriate hanging spot it has been waiting for.  Somewhere I can find a replica of the Tom Brady Stetson advertisement I took from my former employer (which Laura threw out like a worthless piece of garbage!).  I will Ebay the poster with all the Friends chicks laying in bed.  I will showcase the most freakish Dali I can find!  And last but certainly not least I will hang up the X Files poster I have preserved for all of these years:

It looks just like this, wrapped in high quality plastic with a cardboard backing
Before we get to the next wall and furniture, I would like to note a few perks that our pets will enjoy.  Our cats, Bagheera and Ichiro, will have hammock-like beds hanging from the ceiling they can chill out in.  There will also be a small water fountain that is constantly running so that Bagheera has his preferred hydration method and Ichiro has something to stare at.  Carl (dog, read previous entries) will have his own twin size bunk beds, with the bottom bunk functioning as a futon, that way if Carl decides to lay on the top, Laura can have a couch or bed on the bottom.  There will also be a secret door that allows Carl to go outside when he needs to use the bathroom, this will ensure he doesn't interrupt the ultimate chill.

Speaking of the ultimate chill, it is now time to describe the third wall.  What perfect room would be complete without six televisions?  They would all be the same size and displayed with two rows of three directly on top of one another.  Heres the kicker, all six TVs can be showing different channels or they can all show 1/6 of a huge screen showing just one channel!  There could be any number of combinations also. For example: if it were Sunday, I could have the Patriots game on 4 TVs (one large picture), a golf tourney on another and looping episodes of MASH season II on the sixth.  Of course all TVs would be equipped with Blu Ray players and Bose® audio.  
Season two was the best!

From where will I watch all these TVs?  The center of the room will house my perfect man chair: a brown, leather LayZBoy stitched with pure 14k silver thread.  The handle that causes the chair to recline will be made of petrified wood from the Redwoods of California.  There will be a built in refrigerator that has a functioning beer tap (all Bell's® of course) and a smoothie maker.  On either side of the chair will be a popcorn maker and a Jager shot machine.  I guess there will be a bathroom (with Urinal) in the room somewhere too.  

I think it will be obvious for many what will be on the last wall without me spelling it out for them, but for those of you not in the know, here goes...  
The wall will display a glow in the dark representation of our solar system done to perfect scale.  I will never have to worry about forgetting what the solar system looks like again, even if the room is dark.  The next obvious question I know you're going to ask is "what about when Pluto and Neptune switch places every two years?".  I haven't quite figured this out yet, so I will just pretend that you are not expecting an explanation.   

Imagine this glowing in the dark!

Readers, these plans for the perfect room are my gift to you.  I have not patented the perfect room, that would be selfish and heartless of me.  No human being should be denied a perfect room.

1 comment: