Sunday, October 18, 2015

Day of rest? Not for your oral hygiene!

 Today is Sunday, a traditional day of rest for many.  Your mind and body may be tired from a long work week and/or an intense Saturday night.  It only seems right to relax and recharge the proverbial batteries.  Heck, resting on Sunday is even biblical.  

But there is one (hopefully) routine task that cannot take Sunday off: brushing your damn teeth!  That's right, you have to get out of bed at least twice today to get the chompers clean.  In fact, Sunday should be a time to give your entire mouth a thorough deep clean.  Think of the difference between "detailing" your car and merely "cleaning" it and apply that to your teeth and gums.  

Hit them first with just water on the brush and scrub the hell away.  Then grab some floss and rip 'n roar on those gaps.  I bet some of that caramel from those delicious Rolos on Tuesday is still tucked away in there.  Now load that brush up with approximately three peas worth of paste (I don't give a shit if you have fluoride in there or not, that's your choice) and start grinding away on those bad boys.  You like a circular motion?  Maybe the old back n' forth?  It doesn't matter as long as you are applying the same pressure you would use to scrub the residue from an unwanted bumper sticker off of a new-to-you car!  If you feel the tendons in your arm tiring just think about a whole week's worth of coffee festering on your once-white teeth.  Finally, you need a liquid finisher: mouthwash, coconut oil, or even warm salt water.  Get a big gulp in there and swish FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE!  You can do it, just go mentally to a different place if it gets tough around the 45 second mark.  Spit that out and the you are instantly rewarded by seeing your success as particles of who-knows-what goes down the drain. 

Last, but not least, I don't want to hear about "but it's football day" from any of you.  There is no London game today, so you aren't on the clock until 1 o'clock.  You are going to be invading your mouth with cold ones, wing sauce, and chips!  You need to be prepared.  Set your fantasy lineups, hit the teeth as discussed above, veg out, then hit them again during 60 minutes before the night game.  That way, when you yell when your team scores you won't have your fellow game-watchers passing put from your putrid breath.

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