Tuesday, May 3, 2011

An Awkward Situation

Last Friday I went to the dentist to have some cavities filled.  Everything seemed to be going as planned until after my "let it numb for five to ten minute" break.  My dentist and the assistant came back to fill the cavities and told me to relax and open wide.  I obliged and began to relax as best I could.  I settled deep into the chair, closed my eyes and tried to picture my post-dentist smoothie.

It was a couple of minutes in when I realized that I may have made myself a little too comfortable:  both of my hands were on my crotch.  Thats right, one hand placed over the other squarely on top of my crotch.  I was shocked and wondered what had overcome my mind and body.  At no point did the dentist tell me to place my hands on my crotch, so why did I do it?  Was it natural?  Does everyone do it?  Was it the Novocaine?

I quickly realized that I need to stop thinking about why I was doing it and focus on moving my damn hands!  Now I know there is some guy reading this who is thinking "you have that thick apron on, whats the big deal?"  Well guy, the big deal is that my hands are on my crotch and it appears that I may be playing with myself underneath the apron.  At this point, I know there are three different plans I can execute to try and get out of this predicament:

Option 1:  Just go with it
In this scenario I just leave my hands as they are and roll with it.  Maybe no one will notice (doubtful) or if they do I can somehow "play it off" by saying I didn't know I was doing it  or that I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing.  I always have my ace in the hole that "even with my dental insurance, I am paying $150 for an hour and a half of torture, so I can put my hands wherever I want."  Two obvious downfalls of this plan are that I may never be allowed to go to the dentist again and there is a chance I end up on the sex offender list.

Option 2:  Slowly remove hands and place them at side
In this scenario I slowly remove my hands and place them at my side.  This is probably the safest move.  If the relocation of hands is subtle enough maybe no one notices what was going on at all.  What some people don't realize is how rough this could be if you are spotted.  Imagine if you were watching someone with an apron on slowly moving their hands around "down there"...

Option 3:  Quickly remove hands and place them at side
In this scenario I quickly remove my hands and place them at my side.  Obviously with this move you run the risk of "creating a scene" and it is more likely you get caught. But is getting caught this way the worst thing in the world?  In a way it says "look, I know I had my hands on my crotch but I am not proud of it and have resolved the situation."  Its also a quick move and leaves less time to be seen.

After contemplating all three options, I ended up going with number three.  I don't believe anyone noticed and if they did they didn't say anything.

 From time to time, you will see Proctor's Type striving to help the public and this is one of those situations.  The best advice I can give is prevention:  you don't have to worry about how (or if) to get your hands off your crotch if you don't put them there in the first place.  I understand this is easier said than done and I hope if this ever happens to you that you at least know your options and can make the decision that is best for your situation.

1 comment:

  1. Haha, I've done this soooo many times. At my last job, my female co-worker would always call me out on it. I can't seem to help it, but hopefully I won't die an old man with his hands down his pants. :P