Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Lost Art of Chugging

No one ever chugs anything anymore.  You hear it all the time: "here, sip this" or "hey, drink that at a moderate pace".  What ever happened to rippin' and roarin'?  And no, bro, I am not just talking about beer.  Americans used to chug everything, now if you see more than three gulps in-between glass pick-up and put-down you should purchase a lottery ticket.

When I was growing up, personal volume and speed chugging records were worn like a badge of honor and well known among various peer groups.  My buddies and I would bring a few extra quarters and watch chocolate milk cartons pile up on the lunch room table.  In three fluid steps, a half pint is no more: 1) open 2) chug 3)thrown container down.  Notice I did not say anything about wiping mouth off; that is optional and often unnecessary.  Unfortunately, nowadays I see milk cartons remain unopened and wasted.  While I was getting 8 grams of protein and 30% RDV of calcium per carton, kids today are going through life without.  And it is all because they do not know how to chug it.

Obviously, the art of chugging is not limited to milk or school.  Many of my most cherished moments involved chugging.  While a teenager I went to a week-long church camp at a college in Tennessee.  And what do I remember about that: unlimited Powerade (before you ask, yes, contestants got to pick their own flavor) and the chug-offs that ensued.  Every year at Boy Scout camp there was a relay race of sorts that culminated with the Scoutmaster chugging a Slushie!  I chugged Proctoborfests at my wedding.  I chugged champagne with my family after U of L won the 2013 championship.  I chugged cask-conditioned pints in pubs during my honeymoon.  Hell, I even chugged some hospital-provided small cans of Sprite after Crosby's birth.  (Side note: it is a misnomer that soda cannot be chugged, it is not easy BUT IT CAN BE DONE).  The very fabric of my being is interwoven with events involving rapid consumption of liquids.

Now I am afraid for the future.  Sure, I see the gigantic "big gulps" that kids carry around these days, but they all have straws.  You cannot properly chug through a straw.  I am fearful of dehydration.  Whereas if you gave me five minutes, a cup and a faucet I could re-hydrate, now people require I.V.s.  Do you know how much I.V.s cost?  I have not done the math, but it is quite possible the healthcare crisis in this country is the result of a lack of chugging basics.

Take a stand against anti-chugging.  Support chugging NOW.  Teach your children.

No comments:

Post a Comment