Forgiveness

Over the past few months I have been slowly but surely reading/studying C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity".  This week I was surprised to read that he believes forgiveness, even more so than chastity, to be "the most unpopular of Christian virtues".  After reading his explanation and contemplating the subject in my own mind, I have to agree.  Forgiveness is without a doubt more often preached than practiced, either by Christians or non-Christians, in modern-day society.

Honestly, forgiveness is hard, it feels like work.  It feels like giving in.  From my Christian point of view I sometimes find myself thinking: if God has forgiven us all in Christ, why must we forgive one another (a modern take on the Lord's prayer)?  It seems that these days forgiveness is frowned upon and a sign of weakness.  Could you imagine what Nancy Grace would have said about someone who forgave Casey Anthony?  What if an Environmentalist forgave BP?  What if Eric Proctor forgave Mike Vick?

I am not the biggest fan of Mike Vick, in fact, I am not a fan at all.  Although I find him to be a phenomenal, once-in-a-lifetime athletic specimen, I also find him to be a deplorable human being.  In my opinion he should have went to prison for longer than he did.  I find it difficult to believe how so many fans cheer for him, knowing what he did off of the field.

Last NFL season I spent hours arguing with my friends (and the television) about whether or not it was ok to cheer for Mike Vick and celebrate his accomplishments.  Some thought he was an American redemption story, some were happy because he was on their fantasy team and some were able to separate his on the field doings from his prior off the field doings.  I wouldn't hear any of it.  He killed dogs!  Remember that?!?  Just thinking back to last year and remembering all the praise he received makes me cringe.  It feels so good being on my non-forgiving high horse!  Why must I come down?

Some of those some friends I was arguing asked me why I wouldn't forgive Mike Vick, seeing as that is the Christian thing to do.  Naturally, instead of actually considering what they asked, I took it as a personal attack and either avoided the question or stated that his actions were unforgivable and continued arguing.  I didn't see his attempts to change as genuine or "enough", therefore he wasn't worthy of forgiveness.  Too bad that's not how forgiveness works.  Even now that I do see his positive works in the community and his attempts to help prevent dog fighting, I can't use those as justification for forgiving him.  Forgiveness isn't merit based, I just need to forgive him and I will.  Michael Vick, I forgive you.

I wish I could say that was easy and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but that's not the case.  I can say that I know forgiveness is what God wants from us and that the act of forgiving makes me feel closer to him.  And before you ask: no, you will not see me in a Vick jersey this year or any year, its still all about Mr. Thomas Brady and the Patriot way.  Now, seeing that this is Proctor's Type and there needs to be some ridiculous crap thrown in...

While I am in forgiveness mode, I am going to go ahead and cross another off the list...

I fucking hate ketchup.  I hate its looks, its smell, its texture, the sound it makes being squeezed out of a bottle, and of course its gross taste.  With all of my five senses, I loathe ketchup.  Did you know that putrid smell coming from a park's trash can in the middle of summer is mainly caused by old ketchup?  Ketchup has stained my clothes.  Ketchup has ruined fries I was supposed to be sharing with someone.  I think I may have even slipped on a ketchup pack once.  I am not even going to think anymore about it.  I am just going to do it:

Ketchup, you are forgiven.

Wooh...Mike Vick and Ketchup both forgiven in one blog entry.  I think that is all I can manage tonight.  Green beans, Nic Cage and Southern Indiana will have to be dealt with at a later date.  

Athletes

Percy Harvin
Randy Moss
Otis George
Cris Carter
Tom Brady
Oscar Robertson
Rob Gronkowski
Stefan Lefors

Tim Tebow
Yogi Berra
Pat Day
Ernie Els

Beer Reviews

As I have said before, Proctor's Type is about anything and everything.  Its not just about movies, beer, sports, or gardening.  We all know that blog's about narrow subject matter are doomed to failure (look no further than the Huffington Post, or college athletic's recruiting blogs).  With this in mind, I am always looking for new subject matter and this entry is no different.

While enjoying a pleasant Saturday off from work, my fiance and I decided to purchase a "mix six" of beer at the local party store.  As we were looking through the various choices Laura asked if I had sampled one of the beers before.  I replied that I had, because I remembered the name and label, but that I did not remember if it was good or not.  I have had hundreds of different beers in my life, but lately have become frustrated with not having properly cataloged them, either on paper or in my mind.  Hmmmmm...

Most beer reviews seem to focus on the aroma, color, feel (huh?) and taste of the beer and then proceed to give the beer a numeric rating or letter grade.  I am going to mix it up by describing the beer's type, who makes it, what it cost, a general description, a rating (1-10) and most importantly the beer's place in the world and what it says about the drinker .  Without further ado, the first installment of Proctor's Type beer reviews:

Who: Left Handed Brewing Company (Longmont, CO)
What: Stranger American Pale Ale
Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle
Description:  This beer justifies its name as a Stranger.  It is different from your typical APA in terms of being less hoppy (36 IBU) and having a rather low ABV (5.0).  There really isn't anything special in terms of taste.  This beer would be the equivalent of meeting a stranger who seems cool at first but then starts standing too close to you and creeping you out.
Rating: 5/10
Social Standing:  Throw on a tan T and some Eddie Bauer jeans, get in your Subaru and grab a 6 pack of Stranger.  You are drinking beer from Colorado now!  Plus you can always make a lame joke about whether or not you can drink it with your right hand.

Who: Anderson Valley Brewing Company (Mendocino, CA)

What: Barney Flat's Oatmeal Stout

Cost: 1.99 for a single 12 oz. bottle

Description:  Legit.  This dude is thick, dark and delicious (first time I have typed that sentence in at least a couple of weeks).  At first Laura was a little freaked by some sediment floating around but after one taste we agreed this was the beer of the day.  ABV is a mild 5.7% with 13 IBUs.  

Rating:9/10

Social Standing:  Dear Guinness, GTFOH.  I'm a real Stout and am drank by real men.

                          Sincerely,

                          Barney Flatt's Oatmeal Stout

Who: Erie Brewing (Erie, PA)

What: Railbender Ale

Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle

Description:  This is a Scottish style ale with some serious kick (6.8% ABV).  Although I have never been a big fan of the genre, I can say this is one of the better Scottish style ales I have had.  There wasn't a really strong  alcohol taste and the hops were low (26 IBU) which is normal.  This was the last beer I drank and it went down quick and smooth.

Rating:7/10

Social Standing:  I had never had or heard of Erie Brewing company prior to having this.  Buying this can either make you look like a true beer connoisseur or a jackass who bought it to look special at a party. Honestly, I really liked the name Railbender because it reminded me of the year I spent hopping trains.

Who: Magic Hat Brewing Company(Burlington, Vermont)

What: Blind Faith IPA

Cost: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle

Description:  I was hesitant to purchase a beer made by Magic Hat considering my intense hatred for number 9.  This IPA is part of their "IPA on tour" campaign in which they feature a new IPA every month.  Needless to say, my faith has been restored in Magic Hat.  In general, IPAs are my favorite type of beer and I was hoping this one made the grade.  Unfortunately this IPA lacked some of the intense aroma and flavor I have grown to love.  The beer isn't bad though, it just isn't special.  Typical IPA stats (6.2% ABV, 60 IBU)

Rating:6/10

Social Standing:  I cannot wait for a 19 year old sorority sister Magic Hat number 9 drinker to drink this.  Oh look, its Magic Hat!  Cool!"  Next thing you know, her perfect life will be turned upside down!  hahahahahahahaha Not what you were expecting was it?!?  hahahahahahahahaha

Who: Bard's(New York)

What: Gold

Cost: 2.49 for a single 12 oz. bottle

Description:  This beer is apparently "Gluten Free", whatever that means.  I must be a fan of Gluten because this beer sucks!  Plus it was the most expensive of the 6 pack, which pisses me off even more. I cannot describe how terrible it is.  I guess the next time I see a beer described as "The Original Sorghum Malt beer", I will know to stay away.  This trick didn't even work:

Rating:1/10

Social Standing:  If you are a leader of a gluten-free or sorghum movement you could invite your friends and family over for a poker night called "Bard's and Cards".  Just don't expect many people to show up.

Who: Left Handed Brewing Company (Longmont, CO)

What: Sawtooth Ale

Cost:: 1.79 for a single 12 oz. bottle

Description:  Laura really liked this one (check the picture).  LHBC calls this ESB their flagship brew and with good reason.  This beer is a beautiful amber color and has an exceptional bitter but not too bitter flavor.  This would be a great beer to drink if you were planning on the 6-8 beer total.  Also the label art was done by someone but I instantly dismissed the name from my brain and haven't bothered to go back and check.  

Rating:8/10

Social Standing:  Drinking Sawtooth is very different than drinking the Stranger (as described above).  By drinking the LHBC's flagship beer you are saying to the world that you are beer savvy but not too adventurous.  You know what you like and you don't really need to try much else.  You also love missionary sex and plain glazed doughnuts.  

The Anatomy of a Beer: Part Two

When I last blogged (Link) I spoke of Proctoberfest and how it will be created.  Due to scheduling restraints (work, can't wait until I'm done doing that), I was not able to attend the brew day.  Luckily, Buddy (master brewer) documented the occasion in great detail and sent me a blog-like email including pictures.  Now, in what can only be described as one of the laziest, most half-assed moments in the history of Proctor's Type, I am simply going to copy and paste the entirety of Buddy's email (with his permission of course).  I will go ahead and interject myself by commenting in italics throughout the blog and captioning the pictures:

Brew Day Update:

  On July 26th, at approximately 12:37 pm, Proctoberfest began its gallant genesis (solid alliteration to start).  The final slightly revised grain bill consisted of: 20 pounds of 6-row pale malt, 1 pound of 40 lovibond crystal malt, 1 pound roasted barley, 8 pounds Munich malt, and half a pound of special B malt.  The grains were ground, cupped into permeable grain socks, and then placed into the mash tun.   Because of the large amount of under-modified grains that we decided upon for Proctoberfest, it was necessary to implement a four step mash (duh).  "Step mashing elevates the amino acid level of the wort [only in high-adjunct beers/beers lacking well-modified barley will amino acid deficiency be a problem], a factor important to yeast nutrition.  Step-mashing also lends greater colloidal stability (less haze potential) when using higher protein malts such as six-row" (Snyder).  The first step in our Proctoberfest mash was the protein rest, which involved heating 9 gallons of water to 130*F, which was then poured into the mash tun with the grains (I always thought "Protein Rest" was when someone was fatigued at the gym and drank a protein shake to look cool).  The infusion of the grain with the water brought down the overall temp to a perfect 122*F, the target number for a protein rest.  At this temperature, the proteins are broken down from long strains into smaller and smaller more manageable strains.  Because I had never used pumpkin before, I didn't add it to the protein rest until the fifteen minute mark...I don't know why this decision was made.  Call it brewers intuition. (Buddy needs his own blog)

I thought we were making beer, this looks like a hooch I made freshman year

 The protein rest lasted thirty minutes and I finished at least a beer and a half by the time the next step was necessary(dammit! I hate missing Brew Day).  To get to our next heat stage, I heated 4.5 more gallons of water to boiling and then added this water to the mash tun bringing the temperature up to 149*F (insert predictable joke about the recent heat wave).  We were shooting for 150*F, but 149 is pretty for the win(amen).  This rest is called the sacccharification rest and lasted 60 minutes.  The "sacc rest" breaks down the starches in the grain into sugar, which can then be eaten by yeast to produce alcohol.  This is an important step, and worthy of a few more beers while waiting for it to finish.  At the end of the sacc rest, you can check to make sure your starches have been converted by sampling a small amount of wort on a plate and dripping iodine into it.  If it turns blue, this means starches are not fully converted yet (take that Kentucky Fans!).  If the color stays brown, it's time to mash out, our third step.  

I think this picture goes here

  Mashing out requires transferring all that worty goodness and grain bags back into the brew pot, bringing the temperature up to 170*F (at this temperature you destroy the starch degrading enzymes you created in the sacc rest that did all that important starch conversion work for you...what a shit life for the enzymes!(although this sounds like something I would write, notice it is not in italics)), and allowing to rest for ten minutes at this temp.  At this stage, Proctoberfest was well on its way to becoming a dream come true.  The smell was sweet and malty, with a strong waft of pumpkin that added a creamy depth to the color and viscosity of our wort (that's what she said?).  The pumpkin added more color than I imagined it would, which may result in a darker amber color than is desired, but color is negligible if the taste is right.  

Now I bet you wish you didn't cut chemistry class  to go smoke reefer

I'm guessing the clumps from earlier pictures were enzymes

  In the fourth and final step, we get to sparge.  Time for another homebrew to quench one's thirst.  The grain and wort are transferred back into the once mash tun, now lauter tun, and the grain bags are cut open to form an even layer of grain on the bottom of the lauter tun.  By setting up a simple gravity system, we then slowly pour 168*F water(Coor's Light uses 33*F water during this step) over the grain bed drawing out all of the sugars we created in our earlier steps.  Our setup is high tech enough to have a fly sparge that rotates inside of the closed lauter tun allowing all grain to get its equal share of sparge liquor without having to constantly open the tun (sparge liquor is just a term that means the hot water that is drained over the grain bed).  From the lauter tun, on the bottom of the grain bed we have a braided hose encased in a DIY perforated piece of PVC connected to a ball valve that will drain all the sugary wort back into our brew kettle.  

After the sparge was finished, we ended up with 17&3/4 gallons of wort.  Because of the long and vigorous boil that comes next, this was a perfect level to start out with (perfection FTW), as you will usually lose roughly two gallons to steam over the 60 minutes of boiling.  Better grab another beer to prepare for all that steam.(I cannot wait until the day I get a chance to say this) 

The Sparge!

Once the wort of Proctoberfest hit a full on chubby boil, it was hop time(that's what she said).  One ounce each of fuggle and hallertau hops were added and the clock was set for 60 minutes(approx. one hour).  These first two ounces of hops are the bittering hops chosen for this beer.  As hops boil and break down, bitterness increases while simultaneously aromatics are lost.  To get the best of both worlds, an additional ounce of each was added at the thirty minute mark.  The resulting Proctoberfest final product will have both the bitter that we want as well as aromatics.  At fifteen minutes left in the boil, we are reminded that this is a pumpkin beer, and thus, is in need of some extra flavors.  Two whole vanilla beans cured in bourbon, three whole nutmeg nuggs, 4 ounces of crystallized ginger, and two cinnamon sticks are added for the final fifteen minutes of the boil to infuse subtle spice and added complexity of flavor to Proctoberfest (I am really excited about this).  

Proctoberfest, you've come a long way

After sixty minutes of boiling is up, Proctoberfest gets one final dose of hops (an ounce of each) that will come through primarily in the bouqet of the beer with only a couple IBUs added to the final tally of 29.  There were some hiccups at this point, there always are, when it was time to chill the wort.  The plate chiller had no suction at all, and Proctoberfest ended up in the bath tub with ice water to bring down the temp(picture your last life-threatening fever) .  This was the only amateur moment in an otherwise extremely successful brew day.  Yeast is pitched, airlocks are clicking, and fermentation is under way.  Proctoberfest will be an epic FTW beer without any question.   

Man's Best Friends

Once again, a major thanks to Buddy for not only creating Proctoberfest but also writing an excellent (funny and detailed) description of its Brew Day.  I cannot wait to sample and blog about the final product.  My last thought is this:  does anyone else think the term "master brewer" I have been using sounds like "masturbater", and therefore isn't it really funny?

My Wedding and the Anatomy of a Beer: Part One

From cookouts to homosexuality to high school reunions, Proctor's Type has covered a wide range of timely, important topics from around the world.  Unfortunately, one very meaningful subject has been neglected to this point: my upcoming wedding!  This will come as bitter-sweet news to the legions of young (and old), single women who did not know me prior to reading my blog.  I know it is upsetting that I will not be on the market, but at least you can borrow my great wedding idea(s?) in the instance you do ever find someone (maybe not the best way to phrase it).

The "Lucky Lady"

Besides being beautiful, my future wife (pictured) is also very creative and artistic.  This presents something of a road-block as to what decisions I am qualified to make in terms of the wedding planning.  I never wanted to be absent from the planning and I have helped to some degree, however my goal was to think of something significant and unique that would leave its mark on this most important of days.  Should we play the Law and Order music during the service?  Should we tape a $100 bill under one of the pews for a lucky attendee?  I considered everything from Mexican food to planting a tree but nothing seemed to stick.

I had almost given up when I had what can only be described as a once-in-a-lifetime stroke of genius...beer.  That's right... beer.  BEER!  BEER!  It finally made sense:  BEER!  How did I miss it?  Our Wedding is called Proctoberfest for God's sake.  Of course we were planning on having beer at the reception... but we need special beer!  We need a beer that will represent our eternal love (whatever that means).  We need to make a beer that is for us and us alone: we need Proctoberfest and we need to serve it at our reception.

There is only one problem:  I have no idea how to make beer.  I have seen my dad make beer and have had a few homebrews but I need a "master-brewer" who understands the importance of this beer.  I need a friend who is willing to dedicate many hours of his life and use of his equipment to make Proctoberfest.  Lucky for me, I have just the guy, and he just so happens to be in my wedding party.

Buddy needed to try his suit on anyway and we agreed to have a Saturday afternoon beer planning session. He brought over some books and "samples" and we were on our way.  

Buddy asked Laura and I about what flavors we wanted as well as how much alcohol we wanted it to have (I picked a 6.66 abv becuase I thought it would be "scary").  We selected the hops, the malts, the yeast and even the adjuncts.  We entered numbers into a computer program and Buddy plugged away on a calculator.  To say that making a unique beer is complicated would be akin to saying that the Wonder Years was an "ok" television show.  At one point we considered stopping and solving the nation's debt crisis.

After 8 beers and a couple hours we had a recipe and half a buzz:  not a bad way to spend the afternoon.  (Also, I know many of you are wondering...his suit fit.)  

Proctoberfest is now planned and its time to start the manufacturing process.  Part II of the anatomy of a beer will be after we purchase all of the supplies and prepare for brew day which I am considering "Live Blogging" (once I figure out what that is and how to do it).

A Masterpiece in the making

My Ten Year High School Reunion

Through the power of Facebook Events I have been invited to my ten year high school reunion.  Thank God, my blogger's block is gone, I now have something to write about!  I have thought long and hard about what exactly I will say about the reunion.  Would I write a depressing, woe-is-me, my life is over, I'm so old etc. pile of garbage?  Would I make a fact table with the price of a loaf of bread, gallon of milk, and postage stamp from 2001 (and then sell it at Cracker Barrel's gift shop)?  Although both seem like great ideas, I am going to go a different route and go into the psychology of my decision of whether or not to attend, as well as my best guess as to what would go on if I do attend.

Should I go?
Attending, Maybe, Not Attending....those are my choices.  Lets delve into the reasoning behind each choice.

Many people have already chosen "Attending".  These former duPont Manual students jumped at the opportunity and have already said whether or not they are a "plus 1".  I can think of exactly seven reasons why someone would quickly choose "Attending" when invited to their high school reunion.

1.  They have been in a coma since the summer of 2001 and would jump at the chance to meet with a large group of people who have been coherent during the time frame.
2.  They want to find out who was passing the herpes around at the after-prom party.
3.  They want to get drunk and call their high school girlfriend's current husband an asshole and say something explicit about the night she lost her virginity.  For this guy anything less than being escorted outside will be a failure; an arrest would be ideal.
4.  They have finally finished their residency and are officially a Doctor (is that how it works?).  Every second of the evening will be filled with hoping a former classmate chokes on a sweet mint or someone goes into labor.
5.  They have moved to a foreign country (or New York) and want to bitch about Louisville's "lack of culture".  (Note to this person:  we have Tom's shoes and Almond Milk here too)
6.  They are involved in a pyramid scheme and guilting a large group of drunken comrades into the "plan" could really help their base.
7.  They had a lot of friends in high school and due to common life changes have fallen out of touch with them.  (by far the least likely of all the scenarios)

Should I say "maybe"?  I really don't want to say maybe because I will be doing one of two things...
First off I could be the guy who knows for sure he is going to go but says maybe to make it appear as though there is a chance he has something better going on.  This guy says maybe even if he knows it will undoubtedly be the best event of his life.
Example:
Description:  We planned a party for YOU!  All of your closest friends and family members are going to dedicate 24 hours to you and allow you to go and do whatever you may desire.  There will not be anyone attendance you won't want there.  You wont have to pay for a thing and are welcome to purchase anything you want.  There is absolutely nowhere else you would want to be in the world.
Attending?
Maybe.

Then there is the guy who says maybe even though he knows there is not a chance in hell he is going to participate.
Example:
Description:  We have planned a torture session for YOU!  We are going to rip your teeth out one by one and then break each of your fingers with a hammer!  At that point we may or may not cut your balls off!  We should mention you will be strangled the entire time.  There is not a chance in hell you will survive!
Attending?
Maybe.

I can safely say I am crossing a reply of "maybe" off the list.  My last option is not attending.  To this point in time only 6 people have said they are not attending.  I assume all of these people are in far away places and would like to attend but logistically cannot.  Do I want to be the first bitter asshole who says "not attending" without any viable excuse whatsoever?  Should I post on the event wall that I am not attending because I plan on drinking mike's hard and watching the first 48 like I do the other 51 Saturdays of the year?  The quick "not attending" is a bold move and not something I am sure I can handle.

At this point I am leaning towards "attending" but first I need to think about this long and hard...

What will it be like?
The only past experience I have to draw on in our unofficial five year reunion.  The event took place at some bar.  I arrived, ordered a Jager bomb and a Grey Goose on the rocks (pretty sweet drink selection, although I doubt anyone noticed) and commenced to looking for the four or five friends I had in high school.  It didn't take long to notice that there was only one person there who knew who I was.  I followed this person around, tried to mingle, and quickly realized that they had many other people they wanted to be around more than me.  After a couple more Jager bomb and Grey Goose rounds, I was standing alone and had a $45 bar tab.  I managed to talk sports with a couple random patrons at the bar and headed home.

I understand that an experience such as this sounds great to many people but it is not really my cup of tea.  Honestly, it reminded me of the fake party I described in the "maybe attending" section of this blog.   However, I am going to give this reunion the benefit of the doubt, look at it with an open mind and relate to the reader what I believe this reunion will be like...

My high school set some type of record for the most national merit scholars in the state.  With this in mind, I imagine the national merit scholars and non-national merit scholars being put into separate rooms upon entry.  The room for the national merit scholars will have an "eclectic grouping of cheeses and wines from around the world"  The room for the non-national merit scholars will have a lot of toys and jungle gym equipment to accommodate the large group of children that were had outside of wedlock.  The national merit scholars will play a game in which they drop their copy of the next great American novel into a box in which one lucky person will have their book drawn for a gift certificate to a vegan restaurant.  The non-national merit scholars will have a contest to see who is gainfully employed with the winner winning a large box of diapers.  Being a non-national merit scholar without any children (I think), I cant say I am too excited. Luckily, I have almost six months to make my mind up (and blog about) whether or not to attend.

News and Notes (06/16/2011)

News and Notes is a new recurring entry to Proctor's Type.  As the creative name would suggest, News and Notes will be filled with a a couple tidbits of information related to the world through the eyes of Proctor's Type.  (Translation:  I haven't put enough thought or effort into coming up with a full blog entry on one subject)  For those of you who are looking for top notch journalism and non-polarizing political commentary please stop reading and ask your parents if they happen to have a VHS recording of Nightline from the late 80s and a VCR to watch it on (if they are a hoarder you are in luck).  For those of you looking for mindless rants about mundane topics and over-reaching, one-sided takes on modern day "issues", look no further...

1.)  Storage Wars is a bunch of bullshit
I will be the first to admit that I love a good A and E show.  Show me a couple camera-loving detectives tracking down leads in the first 48, a crazy person with big piles of shit all over their house or a sad tale of a life lost to drug and alcohol addiction and I am hooked.  However, I cannot give such high praise to Storage Wars.  Storage Wars is without a doubt one of the most contrived, asinine, downright crappy programs ever produced.  Have you all seen this?  If so, can someone please explain to me how EVERY storage unit makes more money for the buyer than he spent on it?  Why wouldn't the buyers catch on to this and buy every one of them?
Even the storage sheds that seem like busts have last second hidden gems that make the purchase worthwhile.  Example:  "Well we spent 800 dollars on this shed and all it has is a bunch of children's stuffed animals, I guess we are fucked.  Oh wait a second... is that a 2nd edition Tweety bird from 1956...holy hell it is!  Thats worth 4000 dollars!"  This leads me to my other point, who values this crap?  Example: "Well we aren't seeing a lot of items worth anything yet, however we do have this urine-soaked newspaper from 2007...do you think a raccoon pissed on this?  150 dollars, easy."
Maybe I'm not giving the show a fair shake.  Maybe I should become a storage shed buyer, seeing that it is one of the easiest, most lucrative "careers" out there.  But for now I am going to have to say that if I turn A and E on thinking I am going to see someone lose 400 pounds and I end up with this, I am going to throw my remote control through the wall.

2.)  A great way to kill time and spread good faith
I got a wild hair up my ass and decided it would be hilarious to send a group of my friends a picture of myself.  It doesn't sound hilarious in theory but in practice look out for major laughs.  Why would a 27 year old guy send a picture of himself to a random group of mostly male friends in the middle of the day?  In the days we live in of "sexting" and what-not what exactly would you call this?

Imagine checking your phone on a break at work and this is what you see.  I haven't talked to many of the recipients in months and this is the lone communication we have had.  You should try it. The responses are the funniest part (not replying to the responses adds to the weirdness of the whole situation).  Here are some hilarious replies I received:

1) "U laying on the floor?"

2) "What exactly am I looking at here?"

3) "I am aroused"

4) "Why did you send me this?  Haha its weirrrd"

5) "Why are you sending me pictures of you?"

and my favorite, from my mom (I don't think she got it and was just trying to be supportive)

"Hey good Looking"

A Gay Week (Part 2 of 2)

(Click here for Part 1: http://proctorstype.blogspot.com/2011/05/gay-week-part-1-of-2.html )

Last night the NBA ran this PSA during halftime of the Bulls and Heat game:

This comes on the heels of the Pheonix Sun's president Rick Welts revealing he is gay and Kobe Bryant (my favorite player) calling a referee a "fucking faggot" and subsequently being fined 50 thousand dollars and apologizing.  To say that this was nice timing for this commercial would be akin to saying Michael Jordan was pretty good at basketball.  Of course what was a positive feeling for me quickly turned sour when Grant Hill re-tweeted numerous tweets from his followers in which they called him a "fag" for making the commercial.  Some even went so far to imply that they were no longer a fan of his because he had made the PSA.  I quickly realized that although the advertisement was thought provoking and a good PR move, I was left with more questions about whether sports really is moving in the right direction in terms of accepting homosexuality.

No offense to Grant Hill, but this is kind of expected from him (Duke guy, class act), where is LeBron?  Better yet, where is Kobe?  Where are young stars Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant?  While they are ushering in a "new era" into the NBA couldn't they assist in ushering out a history of homophobia that has plagued the NBA?  Why couldn't the Heat's "Big Three" had taken a few minutes out of their day to all film the commercial together?  I'm afraid its simply because they don't want to.  It isn't "cool" yet.  It is cooler to say "pause" (as Dwight Howard did in a presser) or "no homo" after you say anything that could be perceived as homosexual.

I don't mean to imply that any of these stars hate or even dislike homosexuals.  I think it is more a reflection on major sport's and society's views towards homosexuals.  Today's stars don't want to lose twitter followers or jersey sales by speaking out against using derogatory language towards homosexuals. It is easier to say you are "cool with em' " or avoid the topic all together.  No active player in any of the three major sports has ever come out publicly and those who have come out in retirement said they feared resentment from the other coaches and players.  Why is this? Why did Kobe call the ref a "faggot" instead of an "asshole" or a "piece of shit"?  Why is referencing someone as a homosexual on the field or court considered to be the ultimate insult?  Why did I call my opponents "gay" in little league and why didn't the majority of coaches and parents seem to mind?

I certainly don't have these answers.  One thing I do know though is that although the occasional Grant Hill public service announcement is nice, the NBA, NFL and MLB are going to have to make a concerted effort to curb players, coaches and fans feelings towards homosexuality or risk falling behind the times and stopping progress.

A Gay Week (Part 1 of 2)

Today is May 16th 2011.  I wanted to note the date of this entry because I think it will be interesting to look back on it five, maybe ten years down the road.  This is due to the fact that this week I have thought more about homosexuality and its place in modern American society and in my religion than I ever have before.  This past week there were two "events" that I think reflect just exactly how far we have come and how far we still have to go when it comes to the issue of accepting homosexuals and allowing them to be afforded the same comforts and opportunities as heterosexuals.  

Last week the Presbyterian Church U.S.A  voted to allow changes to wording in the definition of who could be ordained as a pastor in the denomination (we are SO political).  What it boils down to is that homosexuals would finally be given the chance to preach the word of the Lord in the Presbyterian church.  I believe my particular congregation was more than accepting of this, and in fact had been advocating for it for quite some time.  Personally, I was glad to hear the news and felt that the church had began to right a long time wrong.  

Unfortunately many congregations are not as open to the new interpretation, citing "biblical proof" that homosexuality is a sin.  Even if this were true (I don't believe it is), aren't all ministers (and everyone else) sinners?  Isn't that the entire point of Christ giving his life for us?  For those that see every word of the Bible as God's exact word, I remind you of one of the boldest and most popular verses in the Bible:

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

Romans 3:23 NIV

With this in mind I ask those who do not believe homosexuals should not be ministers:  why is what you believe to be their sin worse than anyone else's?  Do you think that Jesus, who dined with prostitutes, tax collectors and lepers, would agree with your decision to not allow homosexuals to preach his word?  How would He, who said the most important commandments were loving God and your neighbor, feel about a church that doesn't even allow gay Christians to worship within it? To me these answers are obvious, which leads me to my next topic...

This is the part of the blog where I get off of my pedestal and take the proverbial "long look in the mirror".  Why is it so easy for me to understand that homosexuals should be allowed to preach and marry but so hard for me to practice treating gay people with respect and decency all the time...even when they "aren't looking"?  It wasn't more than a year or two ago that I called one of my friends (who isn't gay) "gay boy" and another (also not gay) "man time" anytime I wanted a good laugh.  Besides the fact that those "nicknames" aren't funny or creative anyway and that I should have a better sense of humor, what is most important is that what I was saying is offensive.  I, Eric Proctor, Obama voter, couldn't think of anything "funnier" to say than childish homosexuality mockery which assigns a negative connotation to being gay because I was trying to make fun of my friends.  Laura has been telling me that I shouldn't say things like that since she met me and like always, I should have listened.  However, I, like many other American's, can't really grasp a concept unless Grant Hill explains it...(please read "A Gay Week (Part 2 of 2)")

An Awkward Situation

Last Friday I went to the dentist to have some cavities filled.  Everything seemed to be going as planned until after my "let it numb for five to ten minute" break.  My dentist and the assistant came back to fill the cavities and told me to relax and open wide.  I obliged and began to relax as best I could.  I settled deep into the chair, closed my eyes and tried to picture my post-dentist smoothie.

It was a couple of minutes in when I realized that I may have made myself a little too comfortable:  both of my hands were on my crotch.  Thats right, one hand placed over the other squarely on top of my crotch.  I was shocked and wondered what had overcome my mind and body.  At no point did the dentist tell me to place my hands on my crotch, so why did I do it?  Was it natural?  Does everyone do it?  Was it the Novocaine?

I quickly realized that I need to stop thinking about why I was doing it and focus on moving my damn hands!  Now I know there is some guy reading this who is thinking "you have that thick apron on, whats the big deal?"  Well guy, the big deal is that my hands are on my crotch and it appears that I may be playing with myself underneath the apron.  At this point, I know there are three different plans I can execute to try and get out of this predicament:

Option 1:  Just go with it
In this scenario I just leave my hands as they are and roll with it.  Maybe no one will notice (doubtful) or if they do I can somehow "play it off" by saying I didn't know I was doing it  or that I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing.  I always have my ace in the hole that "even with my dental insurance, I am paying $150 for an hour and a half of torture, so I can put my hands wherever I want."  Two obvious downfalls of this plan are that I may never be allowed to go to the dentist again and there is a chance I end up on the sex offender list.

Option 2:  Slowly remove hands and place them at side
In this scenario I slowly remove my hands and place them at my side.  This is probably the safest move.  If the relocation of hands is subtle enough maybe no one notices what was going on at all.  What some people don't realize is how rough this could be if you are spotted.  Imagine if you were watching someone with an apron on slowly moving their hands around "down there"...

Option 3:  Quickly remove hands and place them at side
In this scenario I quickly remove my hands and place them at my side.  Obviously with this move you run the risk of "creating a scene" and it is more likely you get caught. But is getting caught this way the worst thing in the world?  In a way it says "look, I know I had my hands on my crotch but I am not proud of it and have resolved the situation."  Its also a quick move and leaves less time to be seen.

After contemplating all three options, I ended up going with number three.  I don't believe anyone noticed and if they did they didn't say anything.

 From time to time, you will see Proctor's Type striving to help the public and this is one of those situations.  The best advice I can give is prevention:  you don't have to worry about how (or if) to get your hands off your crotch if you don't put them there in the first place.  I understand this is easier said than done and I hope if this ever happens to you that you at least know your options and can make the decision that is best for your situation.