"Little Bro is Turning One"- A Guest Blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

Tomorrow is Guy's first birthday, but we are celebrating today. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. Most of the main players (Nana, Grammy, Papa, Papaw etc.) will be here and the treats will be given out willy-nilly. Yours truly will almost certainly be charged with opening all the gifts, primarily because Guy would just try to eat all the wrapping. Unfortunately, Dad will feel the need to intervene with the occasional "now, Crosby, you know those are Guy's gifts, not yours". Yes, Dad, I know that, that is why I am writing it now, six hours before the party. It will not be necessary to reiterate at any point during the party.

As for Dad, he is masquerading as if he is not turning this party into exactly what he wants. First off, Mom told him "hey, your parents want to know if they can bring anything". To which he stammered and replied "uhhh, I guess we could tell them to bring... beer", as if this is some novel idea and he does not always ask his parents to bring beer to every get together. Second, we are having pizza and Dad keeps saying "I'm okay with whatever kind you all want", which sounds like he is being flexible, but is really just a factual statement that he loves all kinds of pizza. Finally, we are having the party in one of his favorite places: the backyard. He will set up the tent for shade, get out the corn-hole boards, and make a playlist of some of HIS favorite music. Fortunately, the over/under on someone asking him to turn the music down is about five minutes.

Despite Dad trying to make the party his own, we all understand that it is for Guy. That is why Mom and I made him his own cake and he is going to get to stay up until 7:30, a whole half-hour past his bedtime. He will get some gifts and probably some cash for his college fund. Hopefully, he gets some kind of scholarship so he can "bonk" beers at some state school and I can use the remainder of his fund to begin my study abroad (Paris). 

Being a one year old is a big deal. I would know because I have been there and done that. You learn to walk around and get some words going, most of which benefit yourself (more, mommy, daddy etc.). One-year-olds have to kick the formula, which is tough at first, but once you go milk, you never go back. The best thing about being one? NO ACCOUNTABILITY! Want to grab a knife? Go for it! Because safety is the primary concern, discipline gets thrown out the window. Sometimes, I long for the days of being one, but then I remember the perk of being two: screen time! The house rules say no TV for Guy. Which makes this picture I snapped while Dad was watching Guy yesterday all the more interesting...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG GUY!

Crosby Jane Proctor is a two year old and a frequent contributor to proctorstype.com. 

A Day with Pops- A guest blog by Guy Thomas Proctor

What's up world??? I figured after almost a year it was time to hit dad's blog so hard. So anyway, I am kicking it at home for the third straight day because of the no fever policy at school. Girls, I guess I'm just too hot. (Sorry, had to throw a little dude humor in). The first couple of days I chilled out with Mom, but today Pops has the gig.

This morning he told me not to worry because when sis was little he watched her one day a week. Well, first off, I am not worried because worrying messes up my chill. Second, I don't think he realizes the difference between me and Cros; she may need to be "intellectually stimulated" or whatever, whereas I am just trying to live my life. The only way this day could go sideways is if we skip some meals or forget snack time. If we grub, we're good pops.

He also keeps asking me what I want to do. Its simple dude: bonk a bottle, bonk some solids, and bonk out for nap. I may hit some cardio and crawl around or do some body-weight lifts, but I am not trying to get after it that hard AT ALL today. TGIF, pops, do you know what that means? I say we queue up some Linkin Park to rage a little but also hit the feels so hard.

The only beef I can see arising is if dad makes the fake chicken nuggets and eats them all while I am napping. Share the love pops and let me get in on that honey mustard action too. If we need to make two boxes, so be it, it is dude's day after all. And if Mom wonders why we ate so many nuggs, we will just blame it on the dog or something.

Guy Thomas Proctor is a dude's dude. This is his first blog on proctorstype.com. 

Hummus: just accept it for what it is

Hummus has been around for a long time. (I guess. I didn't really bother to research it, but it is Greek or something so it is old.) However, hummus has only been a "thing" for a handful of years now. Most grocery stores carry it and it is a frequent appetizer selection at restaurants. But try going to a 1992 Kroger and finding hummus. NOT HAPPENING. Hummus, despite existing for a long time, has only been a mainstream food for about ten years.

So why is it that so many people parade around consuming hummus and saying that have been eating it "forever?" I would very much enjoy splitting a hummus app and not having some asshole bragging about this being his 1000th hummus plate. We get it, you like hummus, can't you just say that without inflating the stats? Even worse is the false hummus connection with a past event. "I remember being a boy, my dad taking me fishing, and us just eating hummus right there on the dock." NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!

Delicious, but also a source of rage.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum are people who treat hummus as if it is the latest creation. I was at a ballgame a couple of years ago and Sabra was giving out samples. "Hey, want to try a new healthy snack before the game?" Well, I've had hummus before, but if you want me to act like some dipshit who hasn't in order to get a free snack then I will. Now, let's go back to the hummus app sharing scenario I discussed earlier. "Oh hey, this could be fun, how do you say it, ho, hooo, hoomus?" Its "hummus" jackass and now you've convinced me to get the spinach and artichoke dip.

Men's Multi-Level Marketing

Tonight, my wife is going to a "party" where the host sells a special line of clothing that cannot be purchased in stores. Basically, a friend-of-a-friend's basement becomes a pop-up store and invitees congregate to discuss how "cute" various things are and inevitably make a couple of purchases. The host gets a cut, invitees/customers get something unique that they want, fun is had and friendships are formed. Everyone wins.

This got me thinking, I have never once been invited to something like this. These purchase parties are not just limited to clothes; from kitchen stuff to jewelry to "meal prep" parties, there are plenty of potential invitations to be sent. But I have not received even a pity invite. And that is fine, because, as construed, I would not be interested whatsoever in attending one of these events. On the other hand, anytime one comes up, it trumps whatever "plans" I may or may not have had, so I end up at home with the kids for bedtime.

The reason for the superiority of these parties over my loose and/or nonexistent plans is the structure and planning involved. Invitations are sent, snacks are prepared and if the host is a good enough friend, attendance is basically mandatory. Compare this to "going to Ben's to watch the game" or the even less imperative "going to Ben's to drink beer".  Obviously, my "plans" are going to lose out every time.

With this in mind, we, as uninvited men, need to start our own comparable purchase parties. First, whatever we sale cannot be easily purchased at a local store. Otherwise "you don't need to go to that, just go get it at the store" is the easiest of retorts. Second, the host needs to be selling something we would actually want to buy. Finally, and unfortunately, this cannot be half-assed or the ruse will be exposed.

What could meet all this criteria? AN IMPORT BEER PARTY. It would not necessarily need to be an actual "imported beer", but rather a beer that cannot be purchased locally. The host would drive somewhere, buy a shit load of beer, and at the party sell the beer at a premium that covers cost and makes a small profit. For example, I could host a Yuengling party since it cannot be purchased locally. I would drive to Cincinnati, get a keg of 'gling, and as many cases as I could fit in my car. At the party, guests could buy cold ones from the keg for $1 and/or a  case for $25-30. Honestly, breaking even financially would be more than worth it.

These could "set the mood"

Now I just need someone to explain "invitations" to me.

#spotthecoldone > Pokemon Go

The youths are telling me that I should play Pokemon Go. Apparently it is a phone game where you go to real places and look for fake cartoon characters. It makes absolutely no sense. How do you win? Can you win? And even if you "win", by whatever definition, what do you get? These are rhetorical questions. Please do not reply to this post and tell me anything else about the game.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I do not "get it". If that makes me "old" or "out-of-touch", then so be it. But I want this to be clear: at no point am I ever going to want to have anything to do with this game whatsoever, in any sense of the imagination.

I know there are others out there who agree with me. You may be afraid to say "I do not want to play Pokemon Go" for fear of being ridiculed by a grown-up wondering aimlessly around a parking lot looking for an image of a little orange dinosaur named Peekechoo. Fear not, I am here for you and I made up an alternative game for us.

#Spotthecoldone is simple, no apps are required. You look around for a brew and when you find one, you crack it open and drink it. That's it, you win. And on yeah, part of the "fun" of Pokemon is the social media aspect, so that is why I made the hashtag. If you find a cold one, feel free to post something with the hashtag. Have fun and be safe.

A victory! #spotthecoldone

Dad v. Leftover Snacks

Check this out...

That's right, it's approximately a quarter of an individual serving sized bag of "Harvest Cheddar" Sun Chips. Whoopty doo, right? It certainly seems mundane, but it is all I can think about. You see, we do not keep that many snack-type foods around the house, due primarily to snacks being an all or nothing proposition for me. So, even though Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips are barely in the chip top 50, I am craving their synthetic ched flavor.

Unfortunately, these chips are not mine. I did not eat 3/4 of a bag of Sun Chips. This has all the looks of being my two year old daughter's (loyal readers know her work) chips. And for some reason my wife does not like me eating all of the kid's food. It seems like this would be the end of it then, but it isn't, it has not been, and it is unlikely to ever be.  I just cannot help myself.

It usually starts like this: I spot some sort of treat in the cabinet and begin obsessing over it. If it is already open, before I even know what I am doing, I am removing the chip clip and sliding my hand in. Just one won't hurt. But then shit always goes right off the rails. One turns into two and two turns into crumbs. 

So now, instead of a little theft cover-up, I am trying to dispose of a body. I take the packaging and begin to wad it up. If I am afraid it is too loud, I can turn on the garbage disposal. I will not want it visible in the top of the trash can, so I walk it out to the large outside trash bins. Sometimes it just lays right on top, so I grab a stick and push it under some of the full trash bags. Once I am confident the remains will not be found, I put the chip clip back in the drawer as to not raise suspicion about why it is sitting in the cupboard not clipping a fucking thing.

This tried and true method has a success rate of 0%. My wife and daughter have snack photographic memories that would put Will Hunting to shame. As soon as the heist in sniffed out, I end up looking like some kind of monster. Why don't I just let my daughter have her chips? If I want Sun Chips so bad, why don't I just go out and buy some? All I can say is, I do not just want some Sun Chips, I want those Sun Chips. Speaking of those Sun Chips...*turns on garbage disposal*

Father's Day 2k16

The primary perk of being a parent is getting one day a year to celebrate being a parent. 364 (365 this year) days each year are dedicated to diapers, routines, and walking around in circles picking things up.  But on Mother's/Father's day, parents get to shine! There is usually a meal involved, maybe a gift, and certainly a Facebook news feed full of pictures of you with someone else where the someone else looks good in the picture.

I am fortunate to have already experienced a couple Father's Days before. One year I messed up and planned a joint Father's Day pizza party at New Albanian Brewing Company before realizing it was closed on Sundays. Thank God almighty, we scrambled and ended up on this side of the river for some classic BBC brews.  Another year we had a cookout deal here at the house with plenty of jams and cold ones. Sure, a couple mistakes have been made in planning, but Father's Days have been awesome for me to this point. But now I have two kids and deserve this day more than ever.  Father's Day 2016 is going to be LEGIT.

Involve the kids?

If it were not for my kids, I would not get to celebrate this day. But my kids are also the reason I am clinging so tightly to one day out of the year to celebrate. So should they be around? I have a buddy with three kids who celebrates Father's Day each year watching the final day of the US Open and drinking by himself in the basement. I do not think the kids are allowed to break the threshold of the doorway leading to the basement stairs. On the other hand, I am sure there are plenty of dads out there who enjoy being around their children so much that they want to involve them in every aspect of Father's Day.  Personally, I think there can be a happy medium: bring the kids around but have an understanding that the father's role in the upkeep of the children is diminished for 24 hours.

Thanks for FD2K16 guys!

Want a gift?

I am always going to take experiences and getting to call the shots over material gifts any day. If you want to get me some quality cold ones or a frozen pizza, that is certainly appreciated, but not necessary.

Oddly, I thought this year was going to be different. I had been talking up cellphone cases that wrap up and are akin to a wallet. Then I received an email from Amazon that read something to the effect of "Iphone 6S case XTR4590Y has shipped!". Later,  I was on the Amazon webpage and our suggested items included a few different leather-looking IPhone case/wallets. I was onto something. I even talked to a friend at work about how the cases work and what features to look for (I am not sure about the mirror, but the magnetic strap is impressive).

I have to admit, even though I am not a big "gift guy", I was pretty excited. Then yesterday my wife told me "hey, you may get an email about an IPhone case, I had to order one for a shoot at work, they will pay us back." There that goes! Back to planning what I want to do...

So, what is the plan?

The yard is not where I want it to be at this point in the season. Unlike some (Mr. Goody 2 Shoes across the street, I am looking at you), I do not prioritize my yard over my family and career, but I do want it to look good. So I am thinking about getting an Oberon mini-keg and spending most of the morning and early afternoon working in the yard. And I do not mean just mowing, there is a huge bush I want to cut down and lots of trimming/weeding to be done. Hell, I may even get started on a decorative centerpiece in the front.  After that, either the zoo (I can get as many Safari Ales or whatever they are called (at $6 a pop) as I want) or a Bats game with double nachos and an Against the Grain pre-game.  All of this is weather-permitting of course. If we end up indoors, look out either Mellow Mushroom or El Toro or maybe BOTH, it is Father's Day after all.

If I am a father struggling with Father's Day plans can I contact you?

Absolutely.

Visit a famous person's birthplace? Count me out.

Last night I was eating out with my family for mother's day when, naturally, Abraham Lincoln's childhood home came up. It did not take me long to come to the realization that visiting famous people's birthplaces is simply not for me. It is something I cannot imagine being very appealing whatsoever. However, many people seek famous people's birth homes out. I think I would rather hit up a botanical garden.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning about the childhoods of artists, politicians, etc. It is interesting to discover where they are from and how that influenced them. I just do not ever need to be there physically.  What could that possibly add? "Do you think this floor board creaked like this when John Cougar Mellencamp was learning to walk?" I do not know and do not give a shit.

A few months ago I had many friends and family members sharing with me that Bruce Springsteen's childhood home was for sale. They know I am a huge fan and their hearts were in the right place, but I worry that my response was not what they were expecting. "Oh, cool. I wonder how much it costs. Yeah, that's cool". It was intriguing that it was for sale, but that was all I could muster. I expect they will save the next interesting or fun news item for someone else.

Oh, so this is where my all-time favorite musician was born? Uhhh, does this town have a zoo?

Lastly, although I obviously do not care for visiting birthplaces, I love a good famous person grave. I was perusing a local cemetery and realized Pee Wee Reese is buried near many of my family members. It added a tinge of fun to an otherwise somber experience. And on our honeymoon, we visited a cemetery in Paris where many famous people are buried. Who needs the Eiffel Tower? Look at all these lyrics someone scribbled by Jim Morrison's grave. Just keep me the hell away from his childhood home.

The Art of Scavenging

Once, when I was a much younger and hungrier man, a buddy and I finagled our way into a "girls dinner" at O'Charley's restaurant.  Approximately ten girls ordered full meals while the two of us just got bowls of soup.  Why did we just get soup?  Because we knew we were going to clean up when the teenage girls could not finish the gargantuan O'Charley's portions. Not to mention, the endless stream of delicious, soft, buttery O'Chucks rolls.

"Don't throw out those one and a half chicken tenders, slide those over here." "Those loaded mashed potatoes look really good, oh they're too filling you say, pass me your plate and I will spoon them onto mine." "Can't believe you don't want the croutons on your Caesar salad, put them on this napkin.""That honey mustard has at least a couple more dips in it, let me get one of those fries and scoop it out."  IT WAS TOO EASY, like taking candy from a baby (or unwanted food from a friend).  By the time the meal was said and done, I had paid the price of a bowl of soup, yet consumed nearly 3000 calories.  How did I do this?  Easy, scavenging.

Waste not, want not

Scavenging is an acquired skill.  We are humans, not buzzards,and thus we are not natural scrap-eaters.  In order to reap the benefits of other people's plates, you need to hone your scavenging abilities through the following three steps:

Step One: Ask
No one is going to know you want their unwanted food unless you ask.  For some unfathomable reason, some people would rather throw uneaten food away than offer it around to everyone else.  Start with family and close friends.  Simply ask "are you not going to eat that?" and nine times out of ten it is yours.  Alternatively, you could try a passive aggressive approach where you continuously comment about how you wish you ordered what someone else ordered or that you cannot believe how just one person could eat all that food. Both approached may make you look a tad pathetic, but they will also make you more than a tad less hungry.

A quick success story with the ask approach: I had started training with a crop of new attorneys at my current job and during the first week the group went to lunch at a favorite Mexican place of mine. One of the attorneys got three fish tacos, which is what I considered ordering before I went with the more filling and economical nachos.  Long story short, my asking someone I barely knew if they were about to throw out a delicious baja fish taco saved said taco from the trash can while simultaneously satisfying my taco craving.

Step Two: Stare
Once you have the ask down, it is time to work on non-verbal scavenging.  If you see something you want simply stare at it until the person with the food is uncomfortable.  They will eventually offer it up.  This technique is extra effective on dates. You keep the focus on the food and not your date so that they do not get too cocky.  Simple? Yes. Effective? Yes. Weird? Well, are you hungry or not...

Step Three: Establish yourself as a known scavenger 
Once you have executed many successful scavenges using the ask and stare approaches, you can slowly build a reputation as a scavenger.  This is considered the pinnacle of scavenging. Family and friends will lean towards ordering more food just to appease you.  And no one will unwittingly allow a server to collect unfinished plates without asking if you want it first.  I am proud to say I achieved this status long ago and if you can focus your energies while putting in the requisite effort, you can be a known scavenger too.

Writing my novel PART IV

After a rocky start to planning my novel, I have decided to adopt the "snowflake method", a novel writing process that happens to be the top hit when one googles "how to write a novel".  (shout out to Randy Ingermanson for the helpful article).  I have completed step one (a one sentence summary, in my last novel post) and now it is time to move on to step two: "take another hour and expand that sentence to a full paragraph describing the story setup, major disasters, and ending of the novel."  Ingermanson suggests three "disasters" and an ending, each comprising approximately one quarter of the book.

This sounds easy enough.  In fact, I thought about this during the car ride home and while cleaning up dinner, easily meeting the requisite hour.  Without further ado (already sounding Shakespearean):

A fling with a student and a drop in class enrollment leads to a young professor (Ted) exiting a loveless long-term relationship and taking an involuntary semester-long sabbatical.  Having already purchased the non-refundable tickets, Ted is left to take his hapless best friend with him on a vacation to Paris.  Once back home, Ted gets a DUI after being suckered into driving a (unbeknownst to Ted) married woman home from a party.  As Ted deals with legal and crazy husband problems, he is counseled by a long-term crush, of whom he is unsure of her motives.  (ENDING OF THE NOVEL)

A few things:

1)  I cannot just give away the ending of the novel.  Please do not forget this is a $$$ profit deal.

2)  I need to temporarily move to Paris to write that section of the novel.  Familial obligations, negative financial implications, and the lack of vacation days will make this difficult.  So it is very important the first quarter of the book is on point so that I can get my bosses and my family on board.  Sure, uprooting my family to move us to Paris to work on a novel that does not have the first word written seems unnecessary, but I want Ted to really get a feel for the city.

3)  The way I have been titling these is confusing because I am on "PART IV" of writing my novel, but on part two of the snowflake method.  I will try and rectify this.

4)  Please feel free to comment, Facebook, email, twitter etc. any ideas you would like to share regarding Ted or the novel generally.