Count me out: motorcycles

(disclaimer: "Count me out"is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

I often hear about the euphoric feeling that accompanies a motorcycle and the open road. The motorcycle, for some, represents freedom, adventure, and general badassery. However for me it represents unnecessary danger, hearing loss, and impracticability. Seriously, how can I listen to my favorite podcast, the Dan Lebatard Show with Stugotz, with the noise coming from that engine? Plus I would love for someone to explain to me how in the hell I can take my children to the Northeast YMCA branch without baby seats.

Call me lame, but give my my van (Honda Odyssey) over a motorcycle any day. The five star safety rating gives me the peace of mind I need while driving and worrying about a bunch of other shit. As for fashion, I'll take my trusty Eddie Bauer plaid over a leather vest any day. And I do not need to join a motorcycle gang for companionship, I have a lunch club at work that meets 3-4 times a week in the lunch room. Finally, that euphoric feeling we discussed, I can get that without dropping 20k and potentially my health on a motorcycle. All I need is the chores finished, the kids asleep, and that angelic crack produced by popping open a cold one.

Have fun on your Harley guys, BUT COUNT ME OUT!

Five Sentence Story #3

Ebert frantically thumbs through the various .gifs and stickers available on his new Keystone Light® "Stone-Mojis" app. He settles on a sticker portraying five Keystone Light® cans blasting into the sky as if they are rockets taking off. He pastes the sticker into an imessage® to Proctor along with a screenshot portraying how to download the app and install the keyboard. In less than a minute, Proctor texts back "holy shit. I want to send that to everyone I know. How can I repay you?" Feeling accomplished, Ebert replies "chronicle this day in a five sentence story for our children and our children's children to read."

Pure beauty

Proctor's Type Guide to the Holidays, 2017: Hugs

It is that time of the year again; everyone starts hugging everyone else. Be it the brief warm-up that accompanies a meeting of the bodies as the weather turns cold or a display that says “I care about you more during this time of year”, there is no doubt that hugs are in season. With that in mind, I have decided to give a few hugging tips, for huggers and non-huggers alike:

     (1)      Be up front with your intentions.

If you are approaching someone you have never hugged before, do not just run up, grasp them and yank them towards you. Depending on how attenuated the relationship is, the hug-receiver may think you are committing a host of criminal acts against them. Instead, make eye contact, hold your arms out to your sides and declare (loudly) “I AM GOING TO HUG YOU NOW, IS THAT OKAY?!?” At this point, the potential victim is aware of your intentions and can reject the hug or embrace it. And at no point will anything get “weird”.

(2)      Give them a good knock.

Once the hugee has formally accepted your proposed hug, ball up your fist and give them a quick whack on the back at the commission of the hug. Not only does this add a bit of flare to the whole ordeal, the infliction of some pain will assert your physical dominance during the exchange. I anticipate some of you all will wonder just how hard to strike your friend or family member. Well, you certainly want them to feel it, but try to avoid bruising.

 (3)      Spray the back of your neck with cologne or perfume.

This seems obvious, but with the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some of you all will forget that many people’s noses will be thrusted directly towards the back of your neck. Why not bless them with the Italian lemon and woodsy notes of Polo Red® or invigorate them with a blast of Miracle® featuring top notes of lychee, freesia, and citron? It’ll be one gift you do not have to worry about wrapping. (wink.)

Five Sentence Story #2

I can not believe I just tweeted "wine weekend!!!" Did I commit myself solely to wine for the entirety of the weekend? Will The Haters be all over me if I crack a cold one in the next 72 hours? Should I purchase a Bota Box® or a variety of bottles? IDFK!

Five Sentence Story #1

Two extremely jacked dudes ran into each other in the gym parking lot. "Looking good bro, putting in that work" said the more-jacked-of-the-two. Without pause, the less-jacked-of-the-two hysterically screamed "THANKS BRO, I SAW YOU IN THERE BURNING UP YOUR CORE!" The more-jacked-of-the-two gave a dismissive chuckle and walked away shaking his head. "Damn, I might have screwed that up", thought the less-jacked-of-the-two as he slowly walked away, questioning his pump.

Four Sentence Story #2

Tyler anxiously grabs the catalog protruding from his mail box. At first glance, he is instantly intimidated and wonders "am I established enough in this world to become an LLBean® man?" Could this be the year for a Signature Fisherman Sweater® or even a Overland Performance Flannel Shirt® (fleece-lined)? In one motion, he simultaneously rips the catalog in half and throws it away, "maybe next year", he mutters to no one in particular.

The dream, courtesy of LLBean

Four Sentence Story #1

This past Wednesday, I sprayed the last mist from my bottle of Lacoste® Essential cologne. Unfortunately, my replacement, Curve®, was not available for same day shipping from Amazon® Prime® and I was cologne-less this morning. In an effort to get some scent going, I purposefully over-shampooed with some Herbal Essences® white grapefruit & mosa mint. Feeling refreshed and confident, I went forth with my day.

A Poem For Autumn (Epic Poem)

Autumn is here!
For the harvest, we prepare
Find a better season,
ass****, I dare.

So hit the bricks summer,
off your ivory tower!
I'm ready to rock some plaid:
Eddie Bauer.

Hello and good morning barista,
hook up a grande pumpkin spice.
Nothing like this cool, crisp air
to shoot a game of dice.

Hut! Hut!
Grunt! Grunt!
It's a football game!
I hope my autumn raccoon 
turns out to be tame.

Through the pumpkin patch,
we can walk in tandem.
As for the haters,
I can't stand 'em. 

CAN'T STAND 'EM!

Blessed be your autumn wedding,
but try not to brag.
I hope your last names are conducive
to a fun #hashtag.

Let's not forget Halloween.
What shall I be?
Hold on, too many brown ales,
now I have to pee.

Quality Autumn Cold 

A ninja turtle is the deal,
but these punk kids are so lame.
It's hard to trick or treat,
while playing a video game.

Happy fall, y'all!

Crosby's first autumn. 2013. 

The "genius" at Target

This morning I went to Target to grab a few things. As I was patiently waiting to ask someone where "automotive" is, I overheard a conversation between a customer and a store employee. The customer was going to the track and asked if they had any ponchos because she was ready to "buy them out". Unfortunately for her, she was informed by the store employee that all of the ponchos were already sold out. To this the customer replied "well, ya know what we did one year? We all just held a large tarp over our heads and moved around like an amoeba, it was absolutely genius." Then she bought a tarp. The whole exchange pissed me off greatly.

First off, I know we have had a dumbing down in America, but is holding a fucking tarp over your head when it is raining now considered "genius"? E=MC^2, NASA, The Great Gatsby, and covering your head when it is raining, one of these things is not like the other.  Second, if the tarp thing worked so well, then why was she trying to buy ponchos. Did she tell everyone she was going with that she is bringing ponchos and is instead showing up with a tarp? They are going to the track, not covering a boat for the winter. Third, I do not know how an amoeba moves, but I doubt it is anything like a bunch of drunk people holding a tarp over their heads. Finally, what was the point of bragging to the Target employee about how many ponchos you were planning on buying? They do not work on commission. And what if they had 1000 ponchos, was she really going to "buy them out"?

I know some of you all may be wondering why I have been seething about this all day, but I like to think that some of you all are uncontrollably shaking with anger right now. I mean, a GENIUS, really?!?  Come on.

I should close by noting that I hold no ill will towards the customer. I hope her and her friends have a fun, safe, and dry time at the track, but please, let's work on our phrasing when speaking to employees at Target. You never know who is listening and what they might blog about.

The coffee lid incident

Some readers may remember that I have something of a beef with the "floor person" at my gym. However, for awhile, there were signs that our relationship was back to normal. For example, we were back to our routine conversation of:
her: "how are you?"
me: "good, you?"
(whatever she says).
But then this past Monday happened.

A long weekend had me hitting the complimentary YMCA coffee pretty hard. I grabbed a standard-issue Styrofoam cup, pumped some coffee in, and proceeded to take it into the gym while I wondered around assessing what physical activity was least likely to make me vomit. This was not the first time I had done this, nor would it be the last. After awhile, I settled on benching (Mondays, right bros?) and set my coffee down securely on a window ledge right next to the bench I was using.

Two minutes had not passed before I noticed the floor person in my peripheral, quickly approaching. Before I could pretend not to notice and throw myself down on the floor for some push-ups or something, she was in front of me. Time started to pass very slowly as I noticed her raising up a white object to present to me. My body quickly warmed and I began seeing red. I had not asked for a coffee cup lid, nor had I observed a sign necessitating the use of a coffee cup lid.

One could say that the law, in its majestic equality, requires both the gym floor person's friends and enemies use a plastic coffee cup lid. 

"You have to have one, in case you spill. Everyone has one." Just as I felt as if I was going to combust, I became intrigued by the last part of her attack. Everyone has one? Even if not true, she had just, either knowingly or unknowingly, admitted that she had unjustly singled me out in the past! Suddenly, feeling vindicated, I decided against making a complete and total ass of myself. Somewhat pleasantly, I replied "Oh, I did not know you all had those up there (complete and total bullshit), thanks, now I know."

I placed the lid on securely and went on my way. Meanwhile, the gym floor person acted as if she had just seen a ghost. She was not expecting a somewhat-polite exchange. She was expecting a battle. Hopefully, she now understands that I can take her "rules", if valid and equally enforced, in stride. And if that's the case, well, gym floor person, be ready for a fresh "good, you?" tomorrow morning.