Wednesday, January 13, 2021

The James Harden Trade- Grades and Opinion

Why should you read this very amateur analysis of a trade that will be analyzed and scrutinized by professionals for years to come? Easy, you get to call me a DUMBASS when I am inevitably wrong about something. As I write this, the trade is as follows:

Nets land: James Harden, 2nd round pick Rockets land: Victor Oladipo, Dante Exum, Rodions Kurucs, and 4 1st round picks and 4 pick swaps (all from Nets) Pacers land: Caris LeVert, 2nd round pick Cavs land: Jarrett Allen, Taurean Prince

(Courtesy of @clutchsportsapp on Twitter)

Let's start with the easy stuff:

Pacers: I am a Pacers fan and I love this trade for the Pacers. Oladipo is on an expiring deal and has wanted out for quite some time. Levert is a very good young player, and if he is not as good as Dipo yet, he is close. The Pacers are Sabonis and Brogdan's team now and LeVert's scoring will make their starting 5 even more formidable. 
Grade for Pacers: A-

Cavs: All they gave up was a 2022 Bucks pick that will be very low. They got Allen and Prince. How good are these players? Hard to tell, but better than whoever they would draft at the end of the first round next year. Allen provides rebounding and some rim protection, which is never a bad thing.
Grade for Cavs: B

Nets: The Nets obviously got better. Despite all of the drama and the poor attitudes, the Nets are markedly better. The NBA is a talent league and, oh my, are they talented. They currently roster three future hall of famers, two of which are top 5 offensive players in the history of the league. Do me a favor and write down all of your concerns about "fit" on 2-ply Charmin so I have backup in case I run out. How on Earth do you guard this team? 
There are most certainly concerns regarding health and depth, but I remind you that Harden is one of the most consistent and durable players in the league. They can now absorb KD or Kyrie missing some games and still win. Sure, there is a chance this all goes poorly, but at the end of the day, they are much more likely to win a championship this year than they were yesterday. They are playing to win now and have pushed all of their chips in the middle, good for them. I will make one last note, picks mean very little to free agent destinations. They have Harden for a few years and can lock up KD to go along with being in Brooklyn. Free agents will want to play here.
Grade for Nets: A

Rockets: The Rockets have positioned themselves for the future while maintaining an intriguing roster for the current. Their hand had been forced for months, but their patience certainly paid off. They can see how Oladipo works out and either sign him or flip him. They have 4 first round picks from a team that is two injuries (or leave of absences) away from the lottery. On the other hand, they have four first round picks from a team that, if healthy, is a juggernaut for years to come and will be selecting in the very bottom of the draft. Where will these picks land? Who knows. Will any of the swaps even get used? Who knows. But no matter what they remain assets to either use or trade for nearly the next decade. Not to mention they currently can start: Wall, Oladipo, Gordon, Wood (stud), Cousins, which is far from shabby. Losing Harden hurts, there is no way around it, but they made the most of a difficult situation. 
Grade for Rockets: A-

BuT tHeRe HaS tO bE a WiNnEr AnD a LoSeR iN eVeRy TrAdE...


Tuesday, December 22, 2020

2020-2021 NBA Predictions

 Hello everyone. One person has asked for my NBA predictions and that is all I need. The haters will have this blog memorialized to throw in my face later and I get to bloviate about the League; either a win-win or just a huge overall loss for content in general, depending on how you look at it. 

A few assumptions:  

1) Health assumed for all players not currently injured, including KD and Kyrie.

2) Covid-19 cancellations/ re-scheduling is not accounted for, 72 games played is assumed for all teams.

3) The 8 seeds from each conference are the final 8 seeds, in that the 7 and 8 seed have advanced from their respective play-in tournaments.

4) Harden is on the Rockets. Rare is an MVP-caliber player available in this manner. I will follow up when/if he is traded.


I think LaMelo is the best player currently of the rookies and also has the most upside. I also think he will be the League Pass MVP with nightly displays of his already elite-level passing. 

Photo from The Charlotte Observer

ALL NBA 3rd Team: James Harden, Jamal Murray, Paul George, Pascal Siakim, Rudy Gobert

Wherever Harden plays, he is going to be at an All NBA level. Murray carries over his insane bubble scoring. A little bit of a bounce back for PG, who is on record saying how the Bubble negatively affected his mental health. Siakim and Gobert continue their All NBA level from last year.

ALL NBA 2nd Team: Steph Curry, Damian Lillard, Jayson Tatum, Kawhi Leonard, Bam Adebayo

Steph reminds the world of his greatness. Dame is more of the same. Same for Kawhi. Tatum bumps up a team level as he grows (literally and figuratively) into a consistent top-ten player. And Bam's trajectory is similar to Giannis'.

ALL NBA 1st Team: Luka Doncic, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Anthony Davis, Giannis

This is the same as last year, with the exception of a recovered KD returning to his rightful spot.

Photo from the New York Times

Hardest Omissions: Ja Morant, Nikola Jokic, Donovan Mitchell, Jimmy Butler, Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons, Russ Westbrook, Chris Paul, Domantas Sabonis, Zion Williamson

Most Improved Player: Michael Porter Jr.

Healthy and still only 22 years old, I love this guy's offensive game and with his size, the D could make a leap for a Nuggets team that is desperate for D.

Comeback Player of the Year: Kevin Durant


MVP: Anthony Davis

I think and hope LeBron takes some maintenance. AD keeps the dominant Lakers rolling.

Coach of the Year: Nick Nurse

Eastern Conference Playoffs:

1. Milwaukee Bucks

Dominant regular seasons continue with Giannis locked up. Got better with Jrue.

2. Brooklyn Nets

There is a ton of depth behind KD and Kyrie.

3. Miami Heat

The Bubble was not a fluke.

4. Toronto Raptors

Never gets "culture" credit that other teams do and they should.

5. Boston Celtics

Kemba health is a huge question mark, but even if he is not there, Tatum, Brown and Smart can carry this team.

6. Philadelphia 76ers

I want them to trade Simmons for Harden, but for now, here we go running it back again.

7. Indiana Pacers

Very talented and were without Sabonis in the Bubble, I think I am playing it safe with them at 7.

Photo from CBS Sports

8. Washington Wizards

Give me the team with Russ and Beal over the Hawks, Magic, etc.

First Round:

Bucks over Wizards 4-0

Nets over Pacers 4-2

Heat over Sixers 4-2

Celtics over Raptors 4-3

-Mostly chalk here

Conference Semis:

Bucks over Celtics 4-2

Nets over Heat 4-3

-I can see any of these series easily going the other way 

Conference Finals:

Bucks over Nets 4-2

-Giannis is headed to the Finals by playing more minutes and better contributions from his teammates 

Western Conference Playoffs:

1. LA Lakers

The only question is whether they coast and rest or they gun for the one seed, which they can get if they want it

2. LA Clippers

Embarrassed from the last time we saw them play,  The Clippers remind us why they were many people's picks to win it all last year

Photo from LA Times

3. Utah Jazz

With cornerstones Mitchell and Gobert locked-up, they get a healthy Bojan for a team that was a Conley in-and-out three from beating the Nuggets in the Bubble.

4. Phoenix Suns

The darlings up the Bubble, the young Suns got the veteran leadership they need to take the next step

5. Golden State Warriors

Curry is back. Losing Klay obviously hurts, but if Curry is the all-time player we believe him to be, he can get this team to the playoffs. Oubre is a sneaky-good addition.

6. Denver Nuggets

The offense is going to be fantastic, but at some point they have to play D which will be tough with their best defender inexplicably heading to *checks notes* the Detroit Pistons

7. Dallas Mavericks

Remember I am only assuming health for currently healthy players, which Kristaps is not. Luka is all-world but the west is too stacked to not have a reliable number 2.

8. Houston Rockets

Even an out-of-shape, uninterested Harden gets you to the playoffs. What if Wall and Boogie stay healthy? Biggest question mark team.

Photo from Bleacher Report

*Disclaimer: I tried my best to get the Grizzlies in, but just could not make it work, hopefully I am wrong.

*Disclaimer 2: I had the Blazers at 5 them completely removed them and swapped in the Warriors. There are only 8 teams, a team has to under-perform, maybe it will be the Blazers. Then again maybe they make the WCF again and the haters can have a field day with this.

First Round:

Lakers over Rockets 4-1

Clippers over Mavs 4-3

Jazz over Nuggets 4-2

Warriors over Suns 4-3

Can I imagine the Mavs with a healthy Kristaps beating the Clippers, yes, but I could not pull the trigger.

Conference Semis:

Lakers over Warriors 4-1

Clippers over Jazz 4-3

The Lakers coast. Clippers-Jazz is a coin flip, but I am envisioning Raptors Kawhi.

Conference Finals:

Lakers over Clippers 4-3

My hot take pick is the Clippers winning the West, but I am making my most-likely predictions. We get the WCF we craved last year and the teams save on travel costs.


Lakers over Bucks 4-2

To win it all in the NBA, you have to get hurt first, usually many times. This one hurts for Giannis. 

Photo from ESPN

NBA Finals MVP: LeBron James

The Finals MVP is often indicative of who the best player in the world is. It has been and continues to be LeBron.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Five Sentence Story #11

Onlookers gasped as the massive gym bros ascended on the soon-to-open Planet Fitness parking lot. Each gym bro took up one and a half parking spots apiece due to their insane width. Their protest signs read things such as "I will grunt if I want!", "where is the bench press?", and "no plate limits!". As the demonstration wore on, the huge dudes had trouble holding their signs overhead due to blasting their front delts and triceps prior to the protest. With fatigue setting in and their respective metabolic windows closing, the gym bros valiant effort came to an end and they went home.

Friday, February 15, 2019

My Half Birthday Party

With August 12 nearly six months away, it is time to celebrate my half birthday! My sister and husband are gracious enough to have invited family and friends over to their house for an afternoon of pizza, cold ones, cake, and Louisville basketball! I am excited beyond words. Also, congrats to my nephew Jude who just turned two and lives there as well!

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Wanted: Neighborhood Pounding Partner

At my former residence, the Party Zone II, I lived on the same street as my friend Ben, owner of the Party Zone and a man who enjoyed pounding cold ones. We frequently congregated at one of our homes to catch a game, catch up on life, or help each other move something heavy. Well, this is what we told our wives anyway. Nine time out of ten, it was all a ruse to demolish colds together. Whatever "game" was already over or we hung out for hours after it was over. "Catching up on life" was code for ripping brewskies and discussing our most recent electric bill. And the heavy objects that needed to be moved as soon as possible were either really light, already moved, or did not exist at all.

This situation was ideal for a couple bros seeking copious amounts of Keystone Light and companionship. Drinking at a Party Zone was cheaper than going out, safer than going out, and in many ways, tighter than going out. After a few years we had some kids in the Party Zones (us and our wives, not together), and we could rip and roar after the children nodded off while still being attentive fathers.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago we each moved to different neighborhoods, far away from one another. The convenience of a short walk to annihilate some crispy cold ones together is gone and we do not see each other nearly as often. I miss it. The time has come for a new pounding partner and I have the perfect place.


That is right, currently on the market is the perfect home for my future pounding partner to uproot their family and move into as soon is possible. It has some bedrooms, some bathrooms, hardwood or carpet or something on the floors, and a back yard that is ideal to tear into a 30 rack with yours truly. I do not have a long checklist or criteria. We can disagree on sports or politics. We do not need the same family size or structure. My future pounding partner doesn't need to be interesting, smart, or attractive. They simply need to be down to fuck up cold ones with a similarly thirsty suburban dad a few doors down. So, future pounding partner, head to the bank to get pre-approved and as long as you love cold ones and proximity, consider yourself pre-approved on this end.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

The Gatorade Saga

On Thursday morning, after exhausting myself, I stopped at my favorite Speedway (very clean, lines move efficiently) to purchase a refresher. Upon entry (held the door open for someone despite being exhausted and needing refreshment), I darted to the drink cooler in the rear. There they were, a whole row of Gatorade Zero Lemon Limes ready for purchase and consumption. As I grabbed one, I made it a point to look around and scoff at all the idiots in the Speedway making purchases that didn’t involve replenishing electrolytes.

Needless to say, the Speedway trip was going swimmingly until I was advised by a small sign in the cooler that I could purchase a second Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime for a dollar (“buy 1 get 1 4 $1” or some shit like that). Now I had a decision to make, I only wanted one Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime, but considering just one costs $2.49, adding a second to replenish and hydrate me in the future for a single dollar seemed too good of a bargain to pass up. After being trapped behind a “regular” chatting it up with the Speedway Clerk for what seemed like two hours, I finally made my purchase and proceeded to work.

Once at work, I stowed the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime away in a place to keep it cool for refreshment the next day. I headed to court and worked my cases, intermittently taking huge swigs of my Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime. At one point, I realized I no longer had the bottle with me. Had I finished it and discarded the bottle without thinking or had I left it somewhere? After interrogating my colleagues, I quickly realized that that Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime was not going to be recovered. “Oh well”, I thought, “at least I have refreshment waiting for me tomorrow morning in the form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar”.

The next day, yesterday, I exhausted myself early in the morning.  The rest of the morning was a blur as I contemplated the refreshment and replenishment awaiting me in the refrigerator at work. The family all got ready, I dropped the kids off, and “floored it” to get to work/hydration as quickly as possible. I finally arrived at work, scanned my security card, muttered something to a coworker, and raced towards the refrigerator, ready for electrolytes.

(This is where the story takes a dark turn, reader discretion advised.)

I was exhausted, but running on adrenaline. I pulled the refrigerator door open with gusto, but my excitement quickly turned to despair, the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before was nowhere to be found. Had someone taken it? Had I drank it and not remembered? Was the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar the day before an illusion resulting from dehydration? (This happens to people stranded in the dessert all the time).

At this point I was nearly sobbing, but couldn’t produce tears due to dehydration. On a whim, I opened the freezer portion of the work refrigerator and there it was: a rock solid, frozen form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. My dumbass had put it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator like a fucking idiot! I spent the rest of the day sipping what little melt the heat could produce of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. The day culminated with me leaving approximately 10 ounces of bottled refreshment undrank and frozen on my desk. Before leaving for the weekend, I stared at that frozen blob and wondered: “what is this world?”, “what is my role in it”, “and why am I so fucking thirsty?”

Friday, March 16, 2018

“Fish and frites”, kiss my ass

Just received an email for a St. Patrick’s Day meal that listed “fish and frites” as one of the menu options. IT IS CALLED FISH AND CHIPS. I would know, it is tied for my favorite meal (pizza). “Frites”, come on, seriously, they are french fries, they are delicious, and they don’t need to be propped up with some fancy name.

With my family headed to Ireland, I will not be attending this dinner, rather, I will be eating “fish and chips” every damn day for the next two weeks.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

#ConLent, lessons learned

Well guys, I screwed up. I promised daily content during lent without considering that Saturday the family and I are headed to Ireland for our two week adventure. The odds of me finding wifi, abandoning my family, and banging out some #ConLent are very low. It would also be fairly pathetic, when you think about it.

"Hang on family, we can't go to this old castle because I need to find a Starbucks so that I can come up with a five sentence story or lash out at the haters." Or even better (worse), "I would like to experience the cliffs, but the supporters are awaiting the continuation of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of Gorillas." (seriously, what the hell was I thinking with that). Not happening.

All in all, I feel like this has been a successful run, with some results more successful than others. Here is a ranking of your all's favorite types of content, based on stats:

1. Crosby blogs
2. Guy blogs
3. Count Me Out
4. Comments from the haters
5. Lashing out at the NCAA
6. Lashing out at the haters
7. Five Sentence Stories

999. count down of the 15 best Killers' songs/ badass pictures of gorillas

1,000,000. Smoothie recipes

For the supporters, I will try and get some content up while in Ireland, but it is more likely to be on Instagram. And do not fret, there will be more content on this site soon. I can't leave the haters starving.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A new contender for cold pounder of the summer

Oberon day is two weeks away. Yuengling is now sold in KY. Stones and Nattys come in 15 packs. Summer pounding decisions were going to be hard enough before I drank Founders Solid Gold. Here come the haters: "Wait, you can't pound Founders morning to night, in the heat, too expensive, too much abv, dumbass!" Well, haters, SHUT UP!

These bad boys are price-pointed with Bud, Miller, Yuengling etc. The ABV is a poundable 4.4%. Taste is smooth and delicious and apparently they are going to be released in 24 packs. Now if that is not a summer pounder, I do not know what is! Stay tuned to my instagram story (@proctorstype) grass cutting sessions and you are likely to see some of these empties strewn throughout the yard.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A new low point for this site and the haters are all over it

Here I am trying to help you all out by sharing my favorite smoothie recipe (here) and the DMs are out of control. The vitriol that has flown from the haters into my DMs is immeasurable. Here is a small sampling:

"This smoothie has almost 700 calories in it. Thanks for nothing."

"Where is the spinach, asshole?"

"Can we please get Crosby's smoothie recipe?"

"Count me out: this horrible smoothie recipe"

"I can tell by just reading this that the consistency is off. Go to hell."

"Can I recommend an addition to this recipe for your next smoothie? Arsenic."

"I know a Nigerian Prince who will publish your smoothie recipe book, please send me life savings."

"Five Sentence Story: I read the smoothie recipe post. I unfollowed @Proctorstype on Twitter. I unfollowed Proctorstype on Instagram. I de-friended Eric on Facebook. I permanently blocked on my browser. I wish him nothing but the worst."