Count me out: Twenty One Pilots

(disclaimer: "Count me out" is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

The other day I was listening to Amazon Music's "Top Alternative" station and thoroughly enjoying the endless flow of Imagine Dragons, The Lumineers, and that one song by The Strumbellas. All of the sudden I heard what sounded like a shitty Linkin Park moaning and softly rapping about missing their childhood. It wasn't thirty seconds before I was thumbs-downing, COUNT ME OUT.

What was this garbage? Well, it turns out if you combine the absolute worst aspects of Limp Bizkit, The Chemical Brothers and Dashboard Confessional you get Twenty One Pilots. The lyrics are sappy, juvenile, and contrived. The "beats" are so soft they could revolutionize the toilet paper industry. And don't even get me started on the unwarranted whining. Seriously, check out these lyrics from one of their hit songs:

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young
How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from
I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one

It'd be to my brother, 'cause we have the same nose
Same clothes homegrown a stone's throw from a creek we used to roam
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered
Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter

That smell is shit and I get a huge whiff every time you invade the Top Alternative station. Here is one more set of lyrics if you aren't convinced:

Dump it in
Smash it down
Drive around the Trashy Town
Is the trash truck full yet?
No!

Ok, so that is not really a Twenty One Pilots song. It is from one of Guy's favorite books "Trashy Town", but you get the point.

Now do not get me wrong, these guys are very popular. They have number one records and play large venues. But do I want a ticket to their next show? NO, NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT! 

Crosby's Five Sentence Story

(Crosby, my four year old preschooler said this in the van the other day)

I am in the thirteenth grade. That means I am in Kindergarten. I go to school every day. I don't take naps. There are many ways to see God.

Thanks for the content Cros.

Count me out: motorcycles

(disclaimer: "Count me out"is not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a way to proclaim that whatever activity or item being discussed is NOT FOR ME, COUNT ME OUT!)

I often hear about the euphoric feeling that accompanies a motorcycle and the open road. The motorcycle, for some, represents freedom, adventure, and general badassery. However for me it represents unnecessary danger, hearing loss, and impracticability. Seriously, how can I listen to my favorite podcast, the Dan Lebatard Show with Stugotz, with the noise coming from that engine? Plus I would love for someone to explain to me how in the hell I can take my children to the Northeast YMCA branch without baby seats.

Call me lame, but give my my van (Honda Odyssey) over a motorcycle any day. The five star safety rating gives me the peace of mind I need while driving and worrying about a bunch of other shit. As for fashion, I'll take my trusty Eddie Bauer plaid over a leather vest any day. And I do not need to join a motorcycle gang for companionship, I have a lunch club at work that meets 3-4 times a week in the lunch room. Finally, that euphoric feeling we discussed, I can get that without dropping 20k and potentially my health on a motorcycle. All I need is the chores finished, the kids asleep, and that angelic crack produced by popping open a cold one.

Have fun on your Harley guys, BUT COUNT ME OUT!

Five Sentence Story #3

Ebert frantically thumbs through the various .gifs and stickers available on his new Keystone Light® "Stone-Mojis" app. He settles on a sticker portraying five Keystone Light® cans blasting into the sky as if they are rockets taking off. He pastes the sticker into an imessage® to Proctor along with a screenshot portraying how to download the app and install the keyboard. In less than a minute, Proctor texts back "holy shit. I want to send that to everyone I know. How can I repay you?" Feeling accomplished, Ebert replies "chronicle this day in a five sentence story for our children and our children's children to read."

Pure beauty

Proctor's Type Guide to the Holidays, 2017: Hugs

It is that time of the year again; everyone starts hugging everyone else. Be it the brief warm-up that accompanies a meeting of the bodies as the weather turns cold or a display that says “I care about you more during this time of year”, there is no doubt that hugs are in season. With that in mind, I have decided to give a few hugging tips, for huggers and non-huggers alike:

     (1)      Be up front with your intentions.

If you are approaching someone you have never hugged before, do not just run up, grasp them and yank them towards you. Depending on how attenuated the relationship is, the hug-receiver may think you are committing a host of criminal acts against them. Instead, make eye contact, hold your arms out to your sides and declare (loudly) “I AM GOING TO HUG YOU NOW, IS THAT OKAY?!?” At this point, the potential victim is aware of your intentions and can reject the hug or embrace it. And at no point will anything get “weird”.

(2)      Give them a good knock.

Once the hugee has formally accepted your proposed hug, ball up your fist and give them a quick whack on the back at the commission of the hug. Not only does this add a bit of flare to the whole ordeal, the infliction of some pain will assert your physical dominance during the exchange. I anticipate some of you all will wonder just how hard to strike your friend or family member. Well, you certainly want them to feel it, but try to avoid bruising.

 (3)      Spray the back of your neck with cologne or perfume.

This seems obvious, but with the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some of you all will forget that many people’s noses will be thrusted directly towards the back of your neck. Why not bless them with the Italian lemon and woodsy notes of Polo Red® or invigorate them with a blast of Miracle® featuring top notes of lychee, freesia, and citron? It’ll be one gift you do not have to worry about wrapping. (wink.)

Five Sentence Story #2

I can not believe I just tweeted "wine weekend!!!" Did I commit myself solely to wine for the entirety of the weekend? Will The Haters be all over me if I crack a cold one in the next 72 hours? Should I purchase a Bota Box® or a variety of bottles? IDFK!

Five Sentence Story #1

Two extremely jacked dudes ran into each other in the gym parking lot. "Looking good bro, putting in that work" said the more-jacked-of-the-two. Without pause, the less-jacked-of-the-two hysterically screamed "THANKS BRO, I SAW YOU IN THERE BURNING UP YOUR CORE!" The more-jacked-of-the-two gave a dismissive chuckle and walked away shaking his head. "Damn, I might have screwed that up", thought the less-jacked-of-the-two as he slowly walked away, questioning his pump.

Four Sentence Story #2

Tyler anxiously grabs the catalog protruding from his mail box. At first glance, he is instantly intimidated and wonders "am I established enough in this world to become an LLBean® man?" Could this be the year for a Signature Fisherman Sweater® or even a Overland Performance Flannel Shirt® (fleece-lined)? In one motion, he simultaneously rips the catalog in half and throws it away, "maybe next year", he mutters to no one in particular.

The dream, courtesy of LLBean

Four Sentence Story #1

This past Wednesday, I sprayed the last mist from my bottle of Lacoste® Essential cologne. Unfortunately, my replacement, Curve®, was not available for same day shipping from Amazon® Prime® and I was cologne-less this morning. In an effort to get some scent going, I purposefully over-shampooed with some Herbal Essences® white grapefruit & mosa mint. Feeling refreshed and confident, I went forth with my day.

A Poem For Autumn (Epic Poem)

Autumn is here!
For the harvest, we prepare
Find a better season,
ass****, I dare.

So hit the bricks summer,
off your ivory tower!
I'm ready to rock some plaid:
Eddie Bauer.

Hello and good morning barista,
hook up a grande pumpkin spice.
Nothing like this cool, crisp air
to shoot a game of dice.

Hut! Hut!
Grunt! Grunt!
It's a football game!
I hope my autumn raccoon 
turns out to be tame.

Through the pumpkin patch,
we can walk in tandem.
As for the haters,
I can't stand 'em. 

CAN'T STAND 'EM!

Blessed be your autumn wedding,
but try not to brag.
I hope your last names are conducive
to a fun #hashtag.

Let's not forget Halloween.
What shall I be?
Hold on, too many brown ales,
now I have to pee.

Quality Autumn Cold 

A ninja turtle is the deal,
but these punk kids are so lame.
It's hard to trick or treat,
while playing a video game.

Happy fall, y'all!

Crosby's first autumn. 2013.