Friday, February 19, 2016

What Grinds My Gears

A co-worker suggested that I should blog about what "grinds my gears" because I frequently   complain about trivial matters.  It is a very endearing quality.  In fact, it is the prevailing trait of a "crotchety old man", which I am often described as being.  I must be a joy to be around.

At first I resisted the idea.  Would anyone actually want to read along as I bitch and moan about seemingly mundane things?  Eh, maybe.  Plus it may be a cathartic experience for myself.  Here goes:

Speaking of co-workers, I have another co-worker who enjoys sharing what can only be described as "video recipes". They are the biggest pile of bullshit on the entire internet.  Buzzfeed (kill me now) is the most prevalent creator of the videos.  I guess people share them so other people will watch the video and be able make quick, delicious food just like the sharer.  Too bad the videos are a fucking fraud.  There is nothing quick about them at all.  For those of you who are fortunate enough to not have seen one, here is an example for "baked potato wedges" (just in case they are taken off of the Applebee's seasonal appetizer menu and you decide you want to make your own) :

Let's begin with a comparison of the length of the video, a minute and a half, with how long it would actually take to make this single serving of potato wedges: approximately 17 hours.  So many steps are skipped and the video is sped up. Hell, the recent construction of the new bridge across the Ohio looks fast and easy if you watch a time-lapse video in which the entire construction is shown in 30 seconds.  

Now look at the pre-portioned little bowls of spices.  First off, measuring out quarters of teaspoons and what not is not as easy as it sounds.  And I hope you have a robust spice rack to accompany the 17 different herbs and spices in the average "blend".  Out of Paprika?  Do not fret, just grab one of those pretty little clear glass bowls with the perfect amount of paprika in it that this blasted video assumes you have lying around.

And what about the 30 minute ice bath? 
"Hey honey, let's watch our favorite show on tv." 
"I'm sorry, I can't, I am giving my potatoes a thirty minute bath!"  
"Okay, I want a divorce."

THE WASTEFULNESS is out of control.  If everyone in your neighborhood made these there would be enough paper towels (pat drying the damn things) and aluminum foil (perfectly lining the baking tray) to fill the local landfill.  But hey, these wedges have a tangy zip to them!

Last but not least, and the most egregious part of the whole deal, is the complete lack of any mention about the inevitable clean up.  Don't worry about how many calories are in the wedges because they will be more than burned off by the time you get the kitchen back to any semblance of what it was pre-wedges.  The video shows an entire load of of dishes without even showing what they are going to be served on.  And do not try any of that bullshit where you just get by with a "rinse" of the bowls that just has spices in them.  A complete cleaning will be necessary.  

These videos make me want to vomit.

Now I know what you are thinking: why don't I just ignore these videos?  Well, then what would I have to rant about?

Eric Proctor is a "crotchety old man" and the primary writer for  

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