Brew at the Zoo: a rant

The Louisville Zoo is considering selling beer.  It seems like a fantastic idea.  In fact, it is probably surprising to many that the Zoo does not already sell beer.  I read a local news story about it, pumped my fist a little, and assumed that this news would make everyone else's day the same way it made mine.  However, when I scrolled down to the comment section I was shocked to find that many informed, knowledgeable, unbiased Facebook commenters have made preventing the Zoo from selling beer their number one goal in life.  What was the Louisville Metro Government thinking doing studies and holding hearings when they could have just asked Facebook?

In all seriousness, we all know it is dangerous territory giving any credence whatsoever to  90% of the commenters of anything you read on the internet.  For reasons unknown they feel the need to shit on everything and interject the online universe with their close-minded "thoughts".  In the case of the Louisville Zoo selling beer, the first comment seemed to encompass all the thoughts of the detractors in one profound statement.  I am paraphrasing here, but it was something to the effect of "Terrible idea.  The zoo is a place for kids.  Doesn't seem right."  Everything about this comment, in my opinion, is wrong.  How about we look at the statements separately?

Terrible Idea.

Is selling beer at the zoo a terrible idea?  Well, if adding a huge revenue stream and getting more paying customers in the gate is a terrible idea for a place that always needs money to upgrade their facilities and increase their conservation efforts then, yes.  Seriously, beer is awesome and so are animals, the Zoo is now going to be home to both.  I know that I personally would be willing to pay $6 for a pint if I knew a couple dollars were going towards getting a new badass Silverback in Gorilla Forest.  Hell, if I really did some work they may name him Eric.  How about having a Carlsberg Elephant stand by the elephants?  $7 for a pint of 7% with a couple dollars going towards efforts to stop the illegal ivory trade.  During happy hour you get a pint for $4 if you can tell the Asian Elephant from the African Elephant without the aide of the sign in the front of the display.  Even the animals could chip in, imagine the Seals giving a shout out to their sponsors, Budweiser, by bouncing an inflatable beer can on their nose as opposed to a beach ball.  Having beer at the zoo is the opposite of a terrible idea., it may be the best idea the Zoo has had since the Herpaquarium.

The Zoo is a Place For Kids

No it is not.  The Zoo is a place for kids and adults alike.  You do not need to be a child or have one with you to get in.  Laura and I have been members of the Zoo for years before we had Crosby.  A trip to the Zoo is a great date and a fun way to get a little exercise.  Adults can enjoy the zoo just as much as children.  I was there, waiting in line for an hour, on Jojo's last day before moving to the Lincoln Park zoo in Chicago (talk about a terrible idea).  I miss him just as much as any other kid out there, probably more.  He threw his feces at adults the same way he did to kids.  The Zoo has built a carousel and playground for kids, it is time to create the Beertanical Garden for adults.

It Just Doesn't Seem Right

I am not 100% sure what this means.  Are people seriously afraid that bros are going to pay $15 to get in then start legit throwing them back at $6 apiece?  Do they think the parking lot may become a tailgate prior to the gates opening?  Could it be they can envision someone having one too many alligator ales and nodding off in the lion's den?  Wait, I am not sure this is my best argument...

One last idea:  once the cold ones start flowing how about selling annual passes with a beer stamp on them, charge three times as much but let every beer-stamped member get three free brews every time they go?  What an idea!  Talk to yall later, I need to comment on a Facebook article.

Crosby's Masterpiece Theater

Last night Crosby decided that she wanted to sleep, but refused to do so in the bassinet.  One of us would pick her up, walk her around and she would eventually fall asleep, then the second we tried to lay her down she would throw both her hands in the air and scream like she was attending a Bon Jovi concert.  Around 2:30 in the morning Laura and I were walking zombies when I finally thought "why are both of us awake and staring at a three day old as she screams and cries?"  Considering I have done a grand total of around 7% of the work in getting Crosby to this point, I volunteered to hold her for a couple of hours while Laura slept.

I chilled out on the couch and laid Crosby on my chest where she fell asleep faster than Slash taking down a shot of Jack.  However, the trick to this game is that I am not allowed to fall asleep myself.  Working with the one hand I had free I was able to grab the remote to the TV (no cable) and the DVD player.  It had been a long time since I had watched a DVD in that player and when I pressed play I was at the mercy  of whatever mood I was in last time I inserted a disc.  Was it the Godfather from when I had a few too many on Saturday night and had a legit Godfather Sunday chill out?  Hopefully, it was not a Redbox that was never returned and we have now purchased for $25.

I held my breath, looked at Crosby and awaited as the title screen loaded to...the Robert Redford classic "A River Runs Through It".  I was instantly overwhelmed with pride because Crosby had selected such a well-acted, beautifully told story.  What started as a mess ended with some young Pitt, Laura getting 2.5 hours of sleep and Crosby finally being quiet.  I thoroughly enjoyed my first installment of Crosby's masterpiece theater.  Hopefully next time the show time will not begin at 3 am.

The next morning, a little groggy but still flyin'

So this is the world? - A guest blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

Check me out, I am legit.

Well here I am.  I have hijacked dad's blog to tell you a little bit about my first couple days in this world.  He was worried that "all the readers are awaiting the top 4 of the top 10 NBA player/cheap domestic beer countdown."  No.  No they are not.  I am afraid he may be a little crazy, more about him later.

I entered this world at 6:04 pm Monday October 21st, 2013.  The whole thing was apparently an ordeal.  Mom was hootin' and hollerin' to all the heavens.  I found out afterward that she could have taken medications to help alleviate some of the pain.  She decided not to.  I know now that she is tough, but I also wonder... is she crazy too?  I also heard her say "never again" about fifty times.  Bye bye siblings.  Oh well, now I will be spoiled.

Mom n' me chillin'

On top of all the pain, everyone was speculating as to whether I am a boy or a girl.  Well, I am a girl.  My understanding from everyone's conversations is that it was like a coin flip that you win if it is either heads or tails.  Whoopty doo.  For some reason, dad felt the need to keep chiming in that "she is going to still wear her sports clothes".  Great, I have that to look forward to.

Hang on.

Ok, I am back.  I just screamed for 10 straight minutes just because.

So, back to the story.  Everyone found out I was a girl.  Mom and Dad were ecstatic and tearing up.  "We did it!" they kept saying.  Then I pooped all over mom, I guess it just seemed like the thing to do at the time.  The nurses cleaned mom and I up and we started "kangaroo care", where mom and I lay skin to skin to make a special, early connection.  I really enjoyed this time and getting to know mom.  (Baptist East you can send royalties directly to my home address, wait, where do I live?)

Probably the last time anyone will want to see a picture of my foot

 Unfortunately, that eventually ended and I was handed to dad.  "Ready for your song? (out of tune, monotone) The first thing I remember knowin' was that lonesome whistle blowin' and a yungins' dream of growing up to ride...".  This can not be.  You mean that jackass who I kept hearing sing this terrible song while I was inside IS MY DAD?!?  He kept saying "she loves it!".  When do I learn to talk?  I cannot wait to dispel that myth.  Eventually, the "song" ended and I warmed up to dad.  He seems like he will be alright with a little training.

This guy...

We eventually worked our way up the other room where we are going to post up for a couple of nights.  Nurse #22 was giving mom and I our 30th and 32nd exams respectively while there were grandmothers and aunts ready to beat the door down just to see me.  Of course dad had  Gram and Aunt Laura (her and mom have the same name by the way, way to plan that out) go and get Jimmy John's for our awesome Doula Nina Berry (louisvilledoula@yahoo.com again, send the royalties anytime) and mom.  Before you ask, of course dad got his favorite Jimmy Johns sandwich AND a bag of chips, all the while masquerading as if he was doing something special.  Maybe I can learn something from him after all.

Eventually visitors went home and I was ready to relax for the night.  But why would I do that when I could not eat the right way and scream?  Mom did a superb job keeping me company, while dad was over on a couch (that he could not figure out how to fold out) sawing logs for 9 or 10 hours.  From what I am seeing so far, I am beginning to wish I had been born a boy, at least for the birth process anyway, what a joke!  I did finally get dad up for a few minutes around 2:30 in the morning with one of my best screaming binges yet, but that was nothing compared to mom's almost sleepless night.  Next time I will poop on dad!

The squad

Speaking of dad, this morning I got the opportunity for a little skin to skin with him.  To show my displeasure for some of his recent antics I pulled out a couple of his chest hairs.  That'll show him right?  No.  Instead he tells mom "how about her grip strength?!?"  Seriously, what is his deal?

Well up until now I have benefited from meeting some fantastic friends and family.  I can not wait to meet the rest of you.  I even got to meet my "middle namesake" Pastor Jane.  She prayed with all of us, we are going to need it.

Man Baby Shower

It is hard being a soon-to-be-father.  I have to to get Laura water, wait to use the bathroom and drive places more often.  Men need something to help them unwind as they prepare for fatherhood.  Mothers have elaborate baby showers with all of their girlfriends and female family members.  They eat fancy snacks, drink fruit punch (?), play fun games and get tons of "cute" gifts for the baby.  In Laura's case, she had TWO of these showers, in different states!  Those showers were beautiful, she loved them and we got SO much stuff for the baby.  But I wanted something like that for me, geared more towards the father.  Luckily, I have amazing friends from law school and I got just that.

Originally dubbed the "Goodbye Fun Eric Party" (thankfully that was nixed), this past Friday became the blueprint for how to throw a Legit Man Baby Shower:

First you need a fantastic party planner:

DH FTW

Then you need a nacho bar with all the toppings:

Not the best picture of me but Laura and the Nachos make for a solid pic

A cake that looks like some kind of ball is a must:

Note the plates and napkins.  Cake Cred: http://instagram.com/fsaeed246

A bro-out Redd's chug is never a bad idea:

YOLO

Not all guests even need to be human:

Playing?

Make sure the jams are on point, here is just one of the classics played (Video possibly NSFW):

Best of all are the legit baby gifts.  We had accumulated enough "cute" stuff, we need this baby to be cool as well as cute:

Home, away, and alternate onesies, pacifiers, and a piggy bank with $ already in it

The baby can chill on this in the office:

Makes horse noises 

When the baby comes around there will be two members of the Proctors spilling shit all over themselves, thankfully they make the Gunners bibs in a two pack:

Makes horse noises

And it turns out some cute stuff is ok:

So there you have it.  Brews, nachos, jams, legit gifts and most importantly, fantastic friends, make for an impeccable Man Baby Shower.  Thanks guys, you all are great.

Katie (not pictured) missed the group pic and Kaleb was either taking this picture or off drinking a Redd's somewhere

Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#5)

Anticipation has grown due to the time between posts.

Catch Up:

#10 Click Here

#9  Click Here

#8  Click Here

#7  Click Here

#6  Click Here

#5: Kevin Love / Falls City 

Photo Courtesy of this site

Holy hell, hot damn, is ol' Proctor off his rocker?  I know, number five seems too high for an oft-injured guy that plays for an annual lottery pick team.  But this is purely a numbers and a "I think he is cool" selection. Last season Kevin Love only played 18 games so let's throw that out and look at his two prior seasons:

Season    Age   MP  FG%  3P%  FT%  TRB AST STL BLK TOV  PF  PTS
                                                               
2010-11    22 35.8 .470 .417 .850 15.2 2.5 0.6 0.4 2.1 2.0 20.2
2011-12    23 39.0 .448 .372 .824 13.3 2.0 0.9 0.5 2.3 2.8 26.0

26 and 13 is pretty damn impressive.  Also in 11-12 Kevin Love had a Player Efficiency

Rating of 25.4 and a win shares of 10.0, both good for 4th in the league.  So, according to       advanced metrics at least, Kevin Love is appropriately ranked here.

But besides all the numbers, I just flat out like his game and him in general.  I think that the T-Wolves are on  the verge of the playoffs this year and I predict a first team all NBA selection for Mr. Love.

Photo Courtesy of http://www.beercansrus.com/mcart/images/fallscitywhitecan1.jpg

Disclaimer:  The Falls City beer that qualifies as a "Cheap American Beer" is gone (RIP).  This is a dedication ranking to that beer that we all loved so much.  All though the new "original" Falls City is delicious (Check it out), it does not qualify for the rankings.

There is nothing quite like arriving at 8 AM for an afternoon U of L Cardinals football game tailgate and having a dozen Falls Shitty cans for breakfast.  Hell, the same could be said for tailgates any time, including Thursday night games which, back when Falls City was still around, it seemed like U of L was playing all the time.  The flavor was surprisingly average and the drinkability was off the charts, they flowed like the Mighty Mississippi after a day long storm.  Plus a 24 pack came in a "suitcase" package which is the greatest beer packaging of all.  

So, here is to a legend, may you Rest in Peace and may the new Falls City reduce itself in price and quality so that we may enjoy it as it should be in all of its glory.

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#6)

The Proctor's Type combo countdown of the top ten NBA players and the the top ten "cheap American beers" continues...

Catch up:
#10 Click Here
 #9 Click Here
 #8 Click Here
 #7 Click Here

#6: Dwight Howard/ Budweiser (in an American Flag can)

Photo Courtesy of: http://sinbapointforward.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/dwight-howard-rockets-avatar.jpg

I was unfortunately listening to some random Saturday morning radio guys on ESPN radio one day.  In typical ESPN fashion they were ranking something and making "zany", "off the wall" selections.  A certain level of absurdity is expected with any of these segments but this particular one was downright idiotic.  One of the radio hosts picked Marc Gasol as their #1 center in the NBA....hahahahaha lolololololololol excuse me, I am laughing so hard I may shit my pants, HAHAHAHAHAHA.  MARC GASOL as the best center in the NBA!  HAHAHAHA, not the best center on the Spanish national team, not the #1 center not on the top 5 center list, they think, or at least said they think, that MARC GASOL is the best center in the NBA.  I was laughing so hard that I missed their "reasoning" but I think it consisted of some BS about basketball IQ and making free throws.

The last time I checked, playing basketball consisted of a lot more than making free throws and has very little to do with IQ tests of any kind.  NBA basketball is a collection of the biggest, best athletes in the world and Dwight Howard epitomizes size and athleticism.  I will grant you that he does not have a tenacity that Kobe or LeBron possess.  He does not shoot free throws well and sulks when he is not getting the ball enough for his liking.  BUT Dwight Howard led the league in rebounds last year and averaged 17 ppg as the third option on a poorly coached team.  All of this coming off of BACK SURGERY.  Dwight is in a better place for him now, I think he is due for a big season.

Photo Courtesy of:  Me taking a buzzed selfie

There are exactly two reasons Budweiser (in an American Flag can) makes the top 10:

1)  They sometimes put them in American flag cans.  What's a better way to show patriotism than to take down some tall boys with a flag on them?  Every time one can is crushed and another popped, this country becomes a little more free.  

2)  When I am at a professional sporting event or a concert I am not going to refrain from drinking brewskies due to the exorbitant price!  But I will make a concerted effort to get  the most out of my $8 16 oz. beer.  That is where Budweiser comes in.  With a little more alcohol and a little heavier taste, Budwesier versus a "light" option is a solid investment when the wallet is getting a little light.

Attention Hipsters, Please Move to Detroit

Yesterday Detroit declared bankruptcy and it became high time for a bunch of internet users who have never been to Detroit to start ripping on it.  The city that was once known as the automobile manufacturing king has lost a lot of people for a variety of reasons.  However, Detroit is still an American symbol in my eyes and to see fellow Americans use an entire city as a punchline just does not make a lot of sense to me.  As a Tigers fan who drives a Jeep and has a wife from Michigan, I am obviously sensitive to Detroit's plight.  With this in mind I thought long and hard (5-6 minutes) about how to get Detroit back on track and it hit me like a big-bodied Buick that gets 7-8 miles to the gallon.  MOVE THE HIPSTERS TO DETROIT!

Think about it hipsters, what would be more ironic than moving to Detroit.  There are plenty of abandoned buildings you could turn into lofts of some kind.  All of the snow in the winter could bring about many fashion opportunities not available in other areas of our country.  You could wear flat-billed Red Wings hats over top of wool hats.  You could get Old English "d" tats as opposed to the traditional uppercase.  Hell, there are entire blocks you could turn into Zucchini fields.  Admit it, it is getting harder and harder to be hip in your current locale, take over a city that needs you.

Young, successful hipsters have developed down-trodden parts of many other large cities.  Reviving the entire D would be their greatest accomplishment yet.  Plus, for those of you who just "don't get it" and did not hear your favorite band until they were on the radio, there is an added bonus of not having hipsters around anymore.  If hipsters can make PBR a beer of choice, bringing back Detroit should be a piece of cake.

How to get 12 free beers!

Two things that everyone loves:  free stuff and brews.  With my simple, ingenuous trick you can now get 12 FREE cold ones.  Here is how...

Grab a buddy and each of you each purchase a 12 pack of beer but only drink 10 apiece.  Save one of the containers and put the remaining beers in there.  Do this two more times and what do you know?  YOU'RE ROCKIN' and ROLLIN' and 12 brews are about to be FLOWIN'!  WOO

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#7)

We continue the Proctor's Type countdown of the top 10 NBA players along with the top 10 "Cheap American Beers".  

What the hell this is and #10: Click Here

                                      #9: Click Here

                                      #8: Click Here

#7 Tony Parker/ Genesee Bock Beer

Photo Courtesy of: http://i.usatoday.net/communitymanager/_photos/lifeline-live/2012/06/22/parkerx-large.jpg

I do not think it would be a stretch to say that Tony Parker is the most under-rated player in the NBA today.  He is the best player on a team that took the dominant Heat to 7 games in the NBA Finals.  Heck, the Spurs probably should have won the NBA Finals and would have had they not let game 6 slip away.  While Duncan and Pop have praise lavished on them like the Florida sun beating down on a poor salamander (common saying in Florida), Parker continues to lead the team in scoring, assists and assists to turnover ratio.  Do not forget all the opportunities he creates spacing wise when he drives to the rim.  

Photo Courtesy of: http://indabuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/SN850002.jpg

I have only had this beer once but I can safely say it is legit.  I was over at a good beer buddy's house and he said "got some cans in the cooler of some new cheap stuff from Whole Foods".  Being the open-minded adventurer I am, I popped the cooler open and started ripping and roaring.  These brews were darker than a typical cheap demesto but they were delicious and went down like water.  The experience reminded me of Christmas morning as a child.  I think that may be because the cans looked "Christmasy", but I am sure the sheer joy and wholesome fun had something to do with it as well.

                                      

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#8)

We continue our countdown of the 10 best NBA players and 10 best "Cheap American Beers"

To catch up:  #10-     Click Here

                           #9-    Click Here

#8: Russell Westbrook/ Miller High Life

Photo Courtesy of http://ballislife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/610x-121.jpg

"He shoots too much!" - Guy who saw the Thunder lost but did not actually watch the game

"He takes away from Durant!!!"-  ESPN "analyst" who needs to have a "take"

Can we please put all of this BS to bed?  We saw what happens to a Westbrook-less Thunder this year in the playoffs.  Without Westbrook's 23, 5 and 7, the Thunder were swiftly sent home by the Grizz who were subsequently swept by the Spurs.  Westbrook forces the issue and creates better shots for Durant by simply being on the floor, which is the opposite of the "addition by subtraction" so many were hoping for when Westbrook went down.  A suggestion:  next time you get a chance, watch Westbrook play instead of listening to jackasses discuss his play after the fact.  I believe you will quickly agree (if you do not already) that he deserves a place on this list.

Photo Courtesy of http://i609.photobucket.com/albums/tt177/ottomatic07/DSC02865.jpg

Years ago some creative ad person (think Peggy or the annoying guy on Don's team) was sitting around thinking about how to market the economic Miller option.  "I got it" they said.  "Let's call it the Champagne of beers, that will be ironic!"  My guess is that the Don-type approved and history was made.

Now let me start by saying that I like High Life and I love champagne.  However, the two things could not be more opposite.  Champagne makes me think of a magnificent French landscape, High Life makes me think of a Catholic church picnic in a large parking lot.  That being said, both are beautiful in their own way.  People celebrate major life events such as weddings and promotions with Champagne.  The only celebration centered around High Life is finding out there is a "cheap beer tent" tucked away in the corner of a baseball stadium.  But I guess that is the Yin and Yang of life (some people who actually know what Yin and Yang are may disagree), and it gave me a great idea:  sell a bottle of Andre and a sixer of High Life for 12 bucks and call it a "celebration in a box".