Top 10 Players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#2)

Over two years ago I set out to countdown the top 10 NBA players and top 10 cheap American beers concurrently through a series of blogs.  This has become, without a doubt, the laziest and most pathetic venture yet by this blog.  I started strong, but put off finishing the list over and over.  A lot of things change over two years and some of the rankings seem downright foolish now.  If you are new to the countdown, click below to catch up and laugh at my disjointed rankings up to this point.  Otherwise, let's get this over with.

Catch Up:
 #3-10

#2 Kevin Durant/ Keystone Light

When I began this countdown, #2 seemed like the perfect spot for KD.  He won the MVP that year and many were starting to (wrongly) believe that he was the best player in the league.  Now he has a lingering foot injury.  When he is healthy, he is a scoring machine.  In fact, if we assume health (and we will, because who gives a shit), I think #2 is still appropriate.  

Here is a terrible picture of me with a beautiful special edition stoner can.  Cheers!

Keystone light is so damn good.  It makes me feel special.  It makes me feel complete.  I have been drinking keystones longer than many of you all have been alive and I do not plan on stopping.  Hell, I once bought a 12 pack for $4.99!  It remains the go-to to this day when I am low on funds but long to be high on fun.  Even if I start with quality brews, there is no reason to not gear-down into some stoners in order to finish off the evening.

Crosby's 2nd Birthday Video

I made Crosby a video for her second birthday.  She is the real deal.  Check it out: full screen, volume on.

Day of rest? Not for your oral hygiene!

 Today is Sunday, a traditional day of rest for many.  Your mind and body may be tired from a long work week and/or an intense Saturday night.  It only seems right to relax and recharge the proverbial batteries.  Heck, resting on Sunday is even biblical.  

But there is one (hopefully) routine task that cannot take Sunday off: brushing your damn teeth!  That's right, you have to get out of bed at least twice today to get the chompers clean.  In fact, Sunday should be a time to give your entire mouth a thorough deep clean.  Think of the difference between "detailing" your car and merely "cleaning" it and apply that to your teeth and gums.  

Hit them first with just water on the brush and scrub the hell away.  Then grab some floss and rip 'n roar on those gaps.  I bet some of that caramel from those delicious Rolos on Tuesday is still tucked away in there.  Now load that brush up with approximately three peas worth of paste (I don't give a shit if you have fluoride in there or not, that's your choice) and start grinding away on those bad boys.  You like a circular motion?  Maybe the old back n' forth?  It doesn't matter as long as you are applying the same pressure you would use to scrub the residue from an unwanted bumper sticker off of a new-to-you car!  If you feel the tendons in your arm tiring just think about a whole week's worth of coffee festering on your once-white teeth.  Finally, you need a liquid finisher: mouthwash, coconut oil, or even warm salt water.  Get a big gulp in there and swish FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE!  You can do it, just go mentally to a different place if it gets tough around the 45 second mark.  Spit that out and the you are instantly rewarded by seeing your success as particles of who-knows-what goes down the drain. 

Last, but not least, I don't want to hear about "but it's football day" from any of you.  There is no London game today, so you aren't on the clock until 1 o'clock.  You are going to be invading your mouth with cold ones, wing sauce, and chips!  You need to be prepared.  Set your fantasy lineups, hit the teeth as discussed above, veg out, then hit them again during 60 minutes before the night game.  That way, when you yell when your team scores you won't have your fellow game-watchers passing put from your putrid breath.

Corduroy unloads on Puppy

Way to ruin Halloween, Puppy.  Hmmmm...what should you do?  I don't know, maybe you could muster one ounce of gumption and make a second attempt at putting your costume together.  Or you could get a job, save up, and buy a new costume.  Either way, you need to stop coming to me with all of your problems.  

And didn't you say this costume was going to be special?  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even if properly assembled, that wasn't going to any awards. I swear, if you cause us to miss one second of trick or treating, this will be the least of your worries. 

I guess I have a brother now... - A guest blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

I was enjoying what I thought was an impromptu weekend get-a-way with Nana and Papa when I was informed it was time to go to the hospital and meet my brother.  Of course this was no surprise to me.  For the past few months I have been indoctrinated each night with books emphasizing the importance of being a "good big sister".  Needless to say, I got the gist of these books about halfway through the first one.  My favorite was the Berenstain Bears version.  Basically, the older bear sibling gets a new bed because he has outgrown it and his old bed is reserved for the new baby.  This new bed comes about from the father going into the woods, chopping down a tree and building a bed from the fallen wood.  This could not be more dissimilar from our situation.  If my new brother is waiting on our dad to do this, he may as well find a comfortable spot on the floor for the next 18 years.

Putting babies on top of play carts full of toys is an excellent idea.

Well, we can (and will) clown dad in the future.  Here is the pertinent info of my little bro:

Name:        Guy Thomas Proctor

Height:       19.75 Inches

Weight:      8 lbs 9 oz

Time born: 2:41 AM September 12, 2015

Mood:        Jacked (as you can see dad still has some say in the content of his blog)

I hope he does not think he gets mom and I am stuck with dad.

Word around Baptist East is that mom was a champ again.  She stuck to her plan for a natural birth.   Shout out to her awesome doula Angela and (to a lesser extent) dad for helping her along.  Although, apparently Guy did not put up nearly as long of fight as I did.  That being said, mom and brother are both healthy and doing well.  Dad will not stop talking about what time the cafeteria opens.

He gets to suck his thumb all he wants, but if I ask for a pacifier at the wrong time all heck breaks loose.

This is going to be a fun time in our house.  My brother seems pretty cool.  I am considering waking up at night every time he does so that we all get to hang out together.  Plus, I cannot wait to teach him the "wake up and cry right at kickoff" trick that I patented.  

Trash day

Wednesday is trash pickup day and recycling pickup is every other Wednesday.  After six years in our house, I know this.  I also know that because we had a holiday Monday, pickup for both will be delayed until Thursday.  

Needless to say I was content just waiting until tomorrow.  But then I saw Mr. Goody Two Shoes from across the street put his cans out today.  Could he be right?

And who is Mr. G2S you ask?  Here is all you need to know about him:

Last summer, due to some mower trouble, our front yard was a tad neglected.  I thought I had the problem fixed and began to mow, however the mower continued to stall out as I went along.  The whole time this is happening, Mr. G2S is across the street shooting the shit with some other poindexter.  Eventually the mower would not restart and in a momentary lapse in chill, I flipped the mower over onto the ground and it popped back up on its wheels (it was actually pretty cool).  He sees all this and what does he do you ask?  He starts cutting his own well-manicured lawn that did not need to be cut...

There it is.  Guess what Neighbor Ned, if I look like a fool for forgetting the holiday and putting the cans out early, then you do too. And when my young kids are grown up a little and I can focus more on the yard, mine will be on point too.  Also, if you read this, where did you get that new Dogwood tree?  That bloom last spring was fantastic.

The little things...

Is there anything better than discovering freshly-hardened, melted cheese when cleaning the panini press?  Truth be told, I have been known, on occasion, to let a little cheese seep out of the panini/quesadilla I am pressing just to ensure I get that little taste of heaven. 

College football predictions (guesses)

No "analysis", just throwing it out and seeing if anything sticks.  If it does, you better believe you will be hearing about this again.  

College football playoff:

1.  Ohio State

2.  USC

3.  Florida State

4.  Alabama

Final: Alabama defeats Florida State

First 4 Out:

Michigan St.

Georgia

Baylor

Auburn

Conference Champs:

ACC: Florida St

Big 10: Ohio St

Big 12: Baylor

Pac 12: USC

SEC East: Georgia

SEC West: Alabama 

Heisman: Cody Kessler

Projected Records:

Louisville: 9-3

Kentucky: 7-5

CMU: 6-6

A dilemma

This is a very small amount of leftover nacho cheese from a Lil C's Hot N' Ready run last Sunday.  It was obviously used for crust dips and I will say, it certainly did its job quite nicely.  I have no earthly idea what to do with it now, but at the same time, I simply cannot let go. 

Fellow Tiger fans, let's pick a new guy

Yesterday, while Jason Day was breaking records in the last golf major of the year, I was watching the Tiger's bullpen blow yet another game and a couple episodes of the X Files.  Why?   Because I do not have anyone to cheer for because I am clinging onto Tiger like an obsessed ex-lover who just cannot let go.  (It should be noted that, unlike many, I am not actually an ex-lover of Tiger).  The truth is he just does not have it going right now and it is time to cheer for someone new.  I used to pretend to be some kind of a purist who would watch golf without Tiger contending.  I was lying to myself and everyone else.  It is time to pick a new stud (that's one way to phrase that -Editor) and I would like to walk you all through my thought process.

First and foremost, I am going to narrow down the list to 5 guys.  These guys are all young and most have won majors.  I do not want to pick someone older, just to have to turn around and pick someone else in a few years.  I also do not want to pick someone who sucks (as compared to the other pros, I understand all PGA tour players are excellent at golf).

Candidate #1: Dustin Johnson

Photo courtesy of CNN and a non-major tournament

I like that he rockets to the top of the leader board, but I am not a huge fan of him never actually winning.  I also do not like or use cocaine, which could be a good or a bad thing considering he has cleaned himself up.  In the end, I am not as big of a fan of "comeback stories" as others are, especially when the comeback is from a series of completely self-imposed problems.

Verdict: Not my guy

Candidate #2: Jordan Spieth

First down!

This would be the obvious choice of a bandwagon to jump on.  He is fantastic.  And going with the front runner certainly is not the worst thing in the world.  He won the first two majors this year and was right there for the other two.  But he has one major downfall that may not be his fault at all.  It is the way people talk about him.  I cannot tell you how often I hear from golf commentators that he "looks like you want him to look", "does things the right way", and "respects the game".  What a crock of shit.  If this is what everyone "wants" then why does everyone love Tiger so much?  There is a small sect of golf fans who are glad this type of guy has supplanted Tiger, but that group is not nearly as large as they think they are.  Great player, good guy, but a tad too vanilla for me.

Verdict: Not my guy

Candidate #3: Rickie Fowler

One advantage Rickie has is he is the easiest player to spot if watching from 10,000 feet above the course.

There is nothing wrong with flamboyant, garish clothing and he gets paid a ton to wear it.  I just cannot keep up style-wise.

Verdict: Not my guy.

Candidate #4: Jason Day

Photo courtesy of BBC

The headline accompanying the above photo is "Jason Day: From Drunk 12-Year-Old To US PGA Champion".  Obviously, this boosts his case and he certainly has an advantage in our "prisoner of the moment" society.  He is Australian, which I am of mixed opinion.  Seems cool, cries a lot.

Verdict: Finalist

Candidate #5: Rory McIlroy

Curly hair is a major plus.

Depending on the font, his last name can look really cool when typed.  He is Irish, which I like.  But his best quality?  He is probably the best golfer in the world but ended 2015 with 0 for 3 in majors in which he played.  He also missed the British Open due to injury.  This means I am "buying low".  So when he wins a couple majors next year, I can be really proud of myself.  I just googled who his Premier League club is and am going to erase that from my mind.

Verdict: Winner

So Rory is my guy, but it should be noted that if Tiger even sniffs a major, I am dropping Rory faster than he dropped/was dropped by that tennis player.