Readers who have checked in recently know that I am in the initial stages of writing a novel. So initial in fact that I have not written a single word of it. What I have done is come up with a protagonist (part I here) and receive some advice from a two year old (Crosby's advice here). Although I remain wordless to this point, I made a huge stride this morning when I decided on the theme of chapter one: saloning.
Not only is describing a trip to the salon a perfect way to get inside Ted's mind, I am also making up a word (saloning) that may end up in being used as slang by middle-aged women. Twitter followers (@proctorstype) got a glimpse of what chapter one will be about when I live tweeted my salon experience today. Although I do not want Ted to be entirely based on myself, I do want him to share some common thoughts and experiences, with saloning certainly being one of them. Like myself, Ted will feel extremely out of place initially then really delve in and let the salon experience relax and soothe him.
I considered just writing chapter one on proctorstype.com but then realized that I would be giving readers and twitter followers (since I am basically just taking my series of tweets and elaborating on them) the goods for free. And considering the novel's main purpose is a cash grab, I need ensure all the sales I can. So, please continue to read as I waste all my writing time writing about writing a novel, but if you want to know how Ted got his haircut, you will need to wait for the hardback or download the electronic version to your preferred device.
Apparently dad is planning to write a novel (you will want to read about his "progress" to understand my suggestions) in the hopes of obtaining a financial windfall. I think he is going to have to explain to me, again, why this is a sound idea but playing the Powerball is not. Anyway, being the supportive daughter that I am, I decided to give him a few pointers for developing and writing a riveting story.
First off, he is going to question my literary credentials because I am two years old. Well, let me put this in perspective. Every night I get to select five books to read in my tent before I go to bed. On the other hand, dad received a book he was really excited about as a gift last May that he has read about a quarter of. Obviously, at the very least, I can remind him of a few main ideas.
He can't put it down, until 8:05 when he falls asleep.
Character Development
Every Curious George book begins by telling you that George is a good little monkey and is very curious. In one sentence the reader learns an immense amount of information about George that better helps them understand the predicaments his innocent curiosity get him into. Without developing George as a character, the reader may believe him to be a nefarious actor or possibly even confuse him with the Man with the Yellow Hat.
Contrast this with "Ted". As of right now the plan is for Ted to have a favorite band and from that the reader is supposed to understand why he does what he does and is who he is. Why is Ted vacationing in Paris...because his favorite band is Rage Against the Machine? That does not work. A good development sentence would be "Ted is a fairly well-behaved man in his mid-thirties who occasionally struggles in social situations."
Foreshadowing
In Curious George and the Pizza the reader is presented with two events that signal the central theme and eventual climax of the story. First, Tony (the pizza maker) receives an order from a nearby factory that is about to close. Then George tries to make his own pizza but ends up upsetting many of Tony's customers. From this the reader knows that something is going to interfere with the pizza delivery and that George is going to need to rectify himself in Tony's eyes. At the risk of spoiling the end, I will stop here, but you get the point.
Now in dad's story, we could use a couple triggering events to understand why Ted wants to vacation in Paris. (Isn't it pathetic that this is basically all we know about dad's upcoming "novel" so far?) Maybe he has a grandmother that always wanted to go to Paris but passes away before she can. This would be incredibly sad, but who knows if dad is planning on taking a dark turn. Or maybe he bought tickets for him and a girlfriend but she dumps him for his best friend before they can both go. Well, I guess that is sad too. Hopefully dad can come up with something better.
Stop screwing around and write word number one of the first sentence.
Do you think Margaret & H.A. Rey were plopped on the couch watching basketball in the evenings? Better yet, do you think they were wasting time writing about writing something else? No. They were writing and illustrating. Oh yeah, dad, you should learn to draw too. Books with pictures are better.
It recently occurred to me that writing a best selling novel is a legitimate way to make a lot of money. And if I had a lot of money I could buy name brand chocolate milk and possibly hire a nanny. So, it seems like something I should do. But where to begin?
I googled "how to write a.." and realized "book" is a more popular search than "novel". I feel safe in saying I have a leg up on people googling "how to write a book". So I proceeded with my superior google query and found out step one is to take an hour to summarize my novel into one sentence. Considering I have, at most, 25 minutes before Guy wakes up, I am sure as hell not wasting an hour on that. I'll give it about three minutes. Hmmmm...
"A cool guy goes through a series of life events."
Let's compare this to the example on the webpage: “A rogue physicist travels back in time to kill the apostle Paul.”
I can see advantages to both. While my sentence lacks in specificity and creativity, it also does not require scientific or biblical research. I am declaring right now that I do not want to have to study ANYTHING to write my novel. This is certainly not going to be The Davinci Code (did I even spell that correctly?). My "cool guy" may go to the Louvre on vacation or something, but he is not going to be deciphering anything.
Apparently I have gotten ahead of myself by proceeding to step one. [Wait, now that is a good sentence, I am definitely using that in the novel.] I am going to just close this first stage by writing six ideas/themes to implement in the story:
1. The main character (cool guy) will be named Ted (badass name)
2. Ted's favorite band is Rage Against the Machine but he does not necessarily agree with their politics.
3. Ted goes on vacation to Paris at some point.
4. Ted describes people to readers by saying "he/she seems like the type of person who (something)". For example "this guy seems like the type of person who gets really excited when an armed homeowner shoots an intruder."
5. Maybe squeeze a murder in somewhere
6. If Ted has kids then they take really long naps and he has the requisite time to put into money making ventures.
The holidays and subsequent winter season are a difficult and stressful time for many. Fortunately, a recent series of events put a positive spin on this time of the year for me. I hope the following recounting serves as a beacon of hope for all...
The Gift Exchange
In early December of this past year I was invited to attend a "holiday lunch party" in the courthouse with the judges, staff, prosecutors, and fellow public defenders who regularly work in the third floor courtrooms. The primary festivity was a white elephant/yankee swap (!)/dirty Santa/ whatever the hell you like to call it gift exchange with a $15 purchase limit. "Gag gifts" were encouraged. Being new to the scene, I really wanted to get the perfect gift. So, naturally, I waited until the night before the party and purchased a mountable bottle opener that looked like the head of a lion. I figured the $13 listed price was close enough to the limit, but was surprised to see such a sought-after item was in fact on sale for $8, barely half of the suggested limit.
The next day I arrived to work and realized that my cheap gift was also bag-less. Then the first blessing kicked in, a co-worker had a spare festive bag that they gave to me. The fleeting confidence that accompanied the bagging of the lion head quickly dissipated as the party began. I was seated on the far interior of a bench, which meant when it was my time to get up and get a gift I would have to either ass or crotch 5-6 people when trying to pass...not the best way to meet new people. Plus, as the first gifts were opened/stolen it quickly became apparent that $15 gift cards and booze were the standard gifts. Animal-themed trinkets were nowhere to be found.
I was completely overcome with dread, not only for when my shitty gift would be opened and scoffed at, but also for my uncomfortable journey to get a gift when my number was called. But then, just as before, blessings continued to flow. My friend next to me selected a huge bag that turned out to have a thoroughly-wrapped Kroger gift card in it. As soon as my number was called, I stole this gift and managed to retain it for the duration of the exchange. So not only did I not have to get up and make an awkward trek, I got a gift card to buy beer with and a huge bag to put another un-wrapped gift in (for an afternoon exchange I had also half-assed).
Isn't she a beauty?
I could not finish counting my lucky stars before I noticed someone grab my gift form the pile. I braced myself and expected "oh great, I got the worst fucking gift in the whole pile, I bet this only cost $8". Instead, almost as if it were sung by an angelic chorus,: "oh cool, a lion, I'm a Leo, no one better steal this from me!". There are 7 billion people in the world and the only one who would like that ridiculous gift received it.
This seems like an appropriate place for the story to end. How much more could a man possibly be blessed? Well, I found out today. This morning my wife was making out a grocery list and I wanted her to add beer to it. This would normally be a fairly standard request, but I have already purchased and consumed what the vast majority of people would consider to be "enough" beer this weekend. Justifying an additional brew purchase from the "money that goes to feed our family" would be tricky. So, I slyly offered up the gift card while asking for a 4 pack of Guinness cans (~$8.49) and 16 16 oz. Keystone Lights (~$13). She wrote it all down and NEVER ASKED HOW MUCH WAS ON THE GIFT CARD. So I managed to stock up on damn near $22 worth of brew in exchange for an $8 lion head bottle opener.
The law school of which I am a fresh alum recently decided to connote itself as, loosely stated, a "compassionate" law school working towards "social justice". There is debate about whether this was a good idea and/or necessary and two highly-regarded professors have publicly weighed-in on the issue. (here and here)
I will not be taking sides, at least on Proctor's Type anyway. Rather, I have an additional proposal for the ideological direction of the school...pizza. Now I do not quite have the exact phrasing down yet. "Striving for Pizza" seems to over-state the importance and "a "pizzariffic" law school" sounds like something from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Semantics aside, the idea is simple: the Brandeis School of Law has pizza readily available EVERY DAMN DAY. It would be a pizza guarantee and would be formally recognized during orientation in a manner similar to the oath signing ceremony.
Current students and recent alumni would be quick to point out that between the school itself, student groups, and legal research providers, there is already quite a bit of pizza to go around. A student who was willing to join every student group and take in countless training sessions could easily eat free pizza 3-4 times a week. But that is not what I would call a "pizza guarantee", not even close. There needs to be an area of the building where there is conditions-free pizza, a pizza "safe place", so to speak.
Many may worry about the financial implications of providing endless pizza within the law school. To that, I provide two arguments. First, our school is frequently tabbed as a "best value" law school, with full time in-state tuition coming in at less than half the cost of many private schools. If a slight tuition raise were necessary, so be it, we are all too used to customary raises in tuition without any explanation whatsoever. At least this raise in cost would have significant tangible benefits accompanying it. Second, enrollment numbers at law schools across the country have decreased significantly and Brandeis is no exception. Just think how many potential students deciding between two schools would choose the one that always has pizza over the one that does not. Further, someone deciding whether or not to go to law school at all may be swayed in that direction if they knew the amount of pizza involved. More students means more tuition dollars plain and simple.
Last but not least, I must emphasize the importance of pizza variety. Law school is a stressful environment filled with hours of reading and studying. Papa Johns every day is not going to spice it up enough. Don't get me wrong, Papa Johns can be a part of the rotation and is very good (side note: I want to thank the angel from heaven who ordered for school events and frequently ordered a green olives one topping. I often got the majority of that S.O.B to myself), but we need to get creative. Why not install some ovens and have some Papa Murphy's ready to bake so as to coincide with a particular student's schedule? Boombozz on Fridays would decrease skipping class for a three day weekend. Mellow Mushroom on the day of the law school prom (whatever that is called) would add to the glamour of the evening. The possibilities are endless.
In sum, pizza unifies everyone in a unique and special way. As the Brandeis School of Law contemplates how to set itself apart in the current realm of legal education, it should seriously consider a pragmatic and non-controversial pizza guarantee.
Eric Proctor is a 2015 graduate of the University of Louisville Brandeis School of Law and a pizza lover.
Starting with a handful of New Year's resolutions greatly enhances the likelihood that one actually sticks. Here are mine for 2k16:
1. Learn to play Coldplay's "Clocks" on piano
It may be time to retire this one. The original plan, from the early-mid 2000s, was to learn how to play this enchanting riff in order to impress at parties. That never happened. Now, even if I did learn how to play it despite not owning a piano or knowing how to play one, many of my dreamed-up party-goers would not recognize the song or would wonder why in the hell I was playing a decade-plus old song on a piano. Could still be cool though?
2, Enter something at the Kentucky State Fair
I know there are vast amounts of quality arts and crafts entries in the various state fair competitions. But let's be honest, there is a bunch of bullshit there too. And I certainly do not blame these people entering the bullshit because they get free passes and parking. Hell, I want to be one of those people. I take pictures on instagram (@proctorstype, please follow) of kids (mine), pizza, beer, my compost bin, etc. I could blow any of these pictures up, print it, enter it, and the next thing you know I have freed up serious money for the beer tents.
I could call this silly picture "two of my favorite things w/ hand" and it would be in the upper 50% of all photos entered.
3. Resolve my complicated relationship with Twitter
pre- @proctorstype (please follow)
My first foray into twitter was an unmitigated disaster. I think my name was the now-defunct @proc5000. I had over 10k tweets that mostly consisted of "live-tweeting" Saved by the Bell reruns (which I found hilarious, but wrecked havoc on my friend's feeds) and vanilla comments on games I was watching such as "good hit Miggy!". It was really profound stuff.
The development of @proctorstype (please follow) and @proctorssports (really dumb, don't follow)
When something is going poorly, it is best to divide into two shit-shows instead of one. I started a sports-only twitter called @proctorssports and it is a lot of "way to go Cards" and "that's a bad call!" I really do not recommend wasting your time by looking at it.
I also started @proctorstype which is at something of a make or break point. Currently, it is mainly RTs of interesting articles and links to this blog. If I think of something I feel is tweet worthy I either forget it, put it on Facebook, or get all long-winded about it and blog instead. In 2k16 I would like to get those tweets out there and finally have some type of resolution one way or the other.
4. Finish the absurd "Top 10 players in the NBA/ Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" countdown
One gene that I know I got from my dad is a love of rankings/lists (poor example). With this in mind I asked that he rank his five favorite songs of all time and submit it to me so I can compare his selections to my own.
#5 Dad's Choice: "Nightswimming" by R.E.M
Dad always says he "loves a good piano" in his music. He also said this song has a beautiful...oh, sorry, I fell asleep while listening to this boring song. This is supposed to be the 5th best song ever, not REM's 38th best song.
My Choice: The Snowkey Pokey
My teachers kind of forced my hand with this one. They love us singing it so much I would feel bad not putting it on the list. Basically, it is the hokey pokey with a winter theme. For example, in lieu of "hands" you put your left and right "mittens" in and out then shake them all about.
#4
Dad's Choice: "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins
I think I am sensing a theme here. Find a 90's alternative band and then select their slowest song so that you can talk about how "deep" the lyrics are. And what an uplifting song it is! Billy Corgan said he did not have the guts to kill his parents so he wrote this song instead. I am going to just let that linger (speaking of early 90s alternative bands) while readers consider that this Debbie Downer song is supposedly the 4th best of all time.
My Choice: "Badlands" by Bruce Springsteen
Finally some gusto! This song takes me back to my younger days...
#3
Dad's Choice: "I realize I have to do a tie because I forgot one" UGH
"The Cave"- Mumford and Sons TIED with "Mr. Tambourine Man"- Bob Dylan
Setting aside the ridiculousness that is the "tie", there are a couple glaring problems here. First of all, there should be a caveat for The Cave because he usually does not start listening to it until he has had at least 6 beers and then it is on REPEAT. There is no middle ground with that one.
Mr. Tambourine Man is a beautiful song, well at least the Byrds version is, but he says he prefers this one. Not that you would get to listen to it anyway because the second it comes on dad will tell anyone that will listen that the song is actually about buying drugs. Whoopty doo. Most people know that and even if they don't, they certainly would like to hear the song in its entirety before learning of that "interesting" interpretation.
My Choice: "Shake that body" - As performed by mom
When I was so little that I was still bathing in the kitchen sink, mom would get me out of the portable tub and, before drying me off, would sing a song called "shake that body" while making me dance. Everyone loved it and thought it was the funniest thing. Luckily, I enjoyed it too because I did not have much of a say in the matter.
#2 Dad's Choice: "The River" by Bruce Springsteen
Slow? Check. Long? Check. Sad? Check. There was a bunch of stuff from him about how this used to be #1 for the longest time but blah blah blah, something something. Anyway, it certainly fits dad's criteria.
My Choice: The entire Raffi Live album
Nana got me this album because she knew I would like it. I also know that dad does not like it, so I listen to it often. These are fun songs made for children and I am a two year old, but some people just do not get that. Nana and Crosby 1, Dad 0.
#1
Dad's Choice: "Read my mind"- The Killers
I have heard that when this song was popular dad wanted to recreate the above video with his friends. Well, that sounds ridiculous even if it came to fruition. But my guess is a single camera was never even turned on. The time commitment would have really cut into his bachelor "chill" time. Not to mention, the video was filmed in Japan. I would venture to guess the travel portion of the non-existent production budget would not have covered that cost. Solid song, but again, a little slow for my taste.
My Choice: "Ol' Dan Tucker"- as performed by Bruce Springsteen
As you may have garnered from my #2, dad does not like "music made for children", so he tracked down his copy of the chronically-under-rated We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions album that Bruce made about 10 years ago. He thought I would like it. I do, well at least I like the first song: Ol' Dan Tucker. The rest of the album is a mystery because as soon as Dan Tucker ends I scream "Dan Tucker" until he plays it again, Sometimes he has the audacity to say "well don't you want to listen to Jesse James (the second track) too?" No. If I wanted to listen to a song called "Jesse James" I would not scream "Dan Tucker". I got left off of the Bruce Springsteen ticket list, but if I can finagle my way in there then be on the lookout for a "Dan Tucker" sign to let Bruce know what to play.
I am currently sitting in the YMCA sauna with four other guys. It is not a large sauna. (Make that five other guys.) it is quite the scene:
Me: I may as well be a Busch light can sitting here sweating. Stayed up to watch Tommy and the boys take It to JJ and sucked the life out of some cold ones. Now just picture a human-sized beer can in the sauna, it's the best mental image.
New guy: just walked in and poured some water on the ELECTRIC heater.
Confused guy: brought Dumbbells into the sauna
Other new guy: just asked to borrow Dumbbells...maybe I am the one who is confused?
I am sweating too much to type any more. Just know it was weird in here this morning.
Ahhh, the great reveal that at least three people have been waiting for. Over the past nearly two and a half years I have been counting down a concurrent list of the top ten NBA players and "cheap American beers". The NBA player list is now pure comedy (see Dwight Howard at #6), however the beer rankings are still fairly consistent.
I mentioned above that, due to the amount of time that has passed since I began this list, the NBA player rankings are ridiculous. However, LeBron being #1 is as true now as it was then. Look no further than last year's NBA finals for proof of this. LeBron (and the Cavs?), without Love or Kyrie, took two games from the historically great Warriors. Imagine if the alleged NBA Finals MVP (Iguodala, don't worry I forgot too) and LeBron switched teams. The Warriors would have swept and won every game by 20 or more points. Hell, if you switched Steph and LeBron, I still don't think the Cavs would have gotten one. Everyone always wants to give the "best in their sport" torch to someone else way too quickly. LeBron still dominates the league.
#blessed
Pre-marriage and pre-kids, Laura and I went to Tampa to visit some of her family and take a cruise (~75 years ago). While perusing the beer aisle at the grocery store I found beer that was both something I have never had before and price-pointed similarly to Bud or Miller. I do not remember the exact date (SPOILER ALERT: I pounded copious amounts of Yuengling and its a little fuzzy), but it is certainly one that changed my life. Yuengling is the very definition of "cheap" and "American", basically a runaway winner. They go down smooth enough to be a daytime grip & rip, but have enough bite to crack the first one after sundown.
Many readers, including local ones, are unable to purchase Yuengling in their state. This makes it something of a commodity. And not to get too personal, but it has caused something of an internal struggle for me. Do I over-value Yuengling because it is a somewhat rare treat? Or do I simply love it for what it is? I cannot answer these questions here. But I can declare Yuengling to be the quintessential "cheap American beer".
Loyal readers will remember that I recently wrote about learning to use the restroom. Well, the process is going swimmingly. The only problem is that I did not deem it a "journey". Everything is a journey nowadays, from weight loss to education to quitting smoking. Potty training is certainly deserving of the moniker as well. Plus, people like to read about journeys and I am now vested in increasing the sorry readership of this blog.
This does not even include all the times I go at school.
As for my journey: the stickers are beginning to overlap and freeze-dried mangoes have been added to the treat container, so, the epitome of success. I am the Golden State Warriors of potty training. (sorry, dad insists on sports analogies even though they are unnecessary and alienating for a portion of the readership).
Speaking of dad, I would be remiss to not mention his absurd attempt at tagging along on my potty training journey. You may remember from my previous post that he mentioned he wanted his own sticker chart. Well, some friends (read: enablers) of his brought this absurdity to fruition:
I have to admit I am a tad jealous of his sticker selection.
Needless to say, this made dad downright giddy. I caught him putting stickers on and giggling to himself this morning.
Way to go on the straight lines...lame.
Of course he is not even tracking correctly. Five total stickers? Once he starts "pounding brews" he is in there five times an hour. He will get over this soon enough...I hope.
