Fries and mayo

After Pulp Fiction came out, variations of the following conversation were had all across the country:

Person 1 (assuming they are the only person in the world who has seen Pulp Foction): Can you believe that in other countries they eat fries with mayonnaise?

Person 2: Ew!  That's gross and fattening! 

"Cultured" Person: Believe it or not, it is actually pretty good!  You should try it, I did!

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Were people, especially Americans, really that surprised that French Fries dipped in mayonnaise taste good?  

My Legacy

If I could choose one thing to be known for it would be that I am a guy who always orders an a la carte pancake to accompany a savory breakfast.

Gift Ideas: Holidays 2014

Do you have someone that is impossible to buy for?  Are you a participant in some form of gift exchange (draw names, white elephant etc)?  If so, you are running out of time.  Fortunately, we are here to help you out with a few last-minute ideas:

1)  Lottery Tickets, Cost: $1 and up.

      

        If you want to almost assuredly anger the recipient of your gift you can give them lottery tickets in lieu of the money you spent to buy the lottery tickets.  Four things are almost certain to happen: 1) money will be lost 2) there will be about 3-4 minutes of mild pleasure while the recipient scratches off the boxes 3) whomever provides the coin to "scratch" the ticket will have an unsubstantiated feeling of self worth and 4) someone will proclaim "you won!" on a ticket in which the payoff is equal to the cost.

2)  A Restaurant Gift Card for the perfect amount to not be enough for two trips but too much for one trip, Cost: (look up the restaurant's most expensive entree, two drinks and a salad up-charge, multiply by two then add about $5).

        In the card: "Well, you can go twice and get a couple sandwiches and waters or go one time and glutton yourself with the 7-layer chocolate cake you did not want"

3)  Leatherman, Cost $20-90. 

        I have given and received many Leatherman multi-tools over the years.  It is a fantastic gift, but I cannot say for certain any of these Leatherman utility tools have ever been used for anything.  I would like to think they have, but the truth is I do not know what half of the shit on there does.   Either way, the recipient feels handy until they leave the tool in their belt pouch and it somehow ends up destroying the washer and they realize they cannot fix a washer with a Leatherman.

Oh good, a serrated blade, now I can (something)

4)  Reserved Burial Plot, Cost: varies upon location.  

        This may seem a tad on the morbid side.  On the other hand, the American Funeral Directors Association says that pre-planning creates peace-of-mind and can save thousands of dollars over time.  This is a touchy one, but would bring some solid laughs to a white elephant exchange.

     

The Lost Art of Chugging

No one ever chugs anything anymore.  You hear it all the time: "here, sip this" or "hey, drink that at a moderate pace".  What ever happened to rippin' and roarin'?  And no, bro, I am not just talking about beer.  Americans used to chug everything, now if you see more than three gulps in-between glass pick-up and put-down you should purchase a lottery ticket.

When I was growing up, personal volume and speed chugging records were worn like a badge of honor and well known among various peer groups.  My buddies and I would bring a few extra quarters and watch chocolate milk cartons pile up on the lunch room table.  In three fluid steps, a half pint is no more: 1) open 2) chug 3)thrown container down.  Notice I did not say anything about wiping mouth off; that is optional and often unnecessary.  Unfortunately, nowadays I see milk cartons remain unopened and wasted.  While I was getting 8 grams of protein and 30% RDV of calcium per carton, kids today are going through life without.  And it is all because they do not know how to chug it.

Obviously, the art of chugging is not limited to milk or school.  Many of my most cherished moments involved chugging.  While a teenager I went to a week-long church camp at a college in Tennessee.  And what do I remember about that: unlimited Powerade (before you ask, yes, contestants got to pick their own flavor) and the chug-offs that ensued.  Every year at Boy Scout camp there was a relay race of sorts that culminated with the Scoutmaster chugging a Slushie!  I chugged Proctoborfests at my wedding.  I chugged champagne with my family after U of L won the 2013 championship.  I chugged cask-conditioned pints in pubs during my honeymoon.  Hell, I even chugged some hospital-provided small cans of Sprite after Crosby's birth.  (Side note: it is a misnomer that soda cannot be chugged, it is not easy BUT IT CAN BE DONE).  The very fabric of my being is interwoven with events involving rapid consumption of liquids.

Now I am afraid for the future.  Sure, I see the gigantic "big gulps" that kids carry around these days, but they all have straws.  You cannot properly chug through a straw.  I am fearful of dehydration.  Whereas if you gave me five minutes, a cup and a faucet I could re-hydrate, now people require I.V.s.  Do you know how much I.V.s cost?  I have not done the math, but it is quite possible the healthcare crisis in this country is the result of a lack of chugging basics.

Take a stand against anti-chugging.  Support chugging NOW.  Teach your children.

Thankful 2014

I am jacked and thankful for so many things today.  Here is my list:

1)  Earth

2)  I guess I better say all of the other planets because I like them too, but I do not know if Pluto is still a planet.  And I certainly as hell am not going to put a random moon on my thankful list.  Hmmm, let's do this:

Mercury

Venus

Mars

Jupiter

Saturn

Neptune

Uranus 

Pluto (if a planet)

3)  This picture:

4)  My #fam- I am thankful for my entire family (parents, in-laws, sis, aunts, uncles etc.), but I really like this picture of the three of us (the household).

5)  Explanatory parentheticals (just kidding)

6)  The morning- coffee, productivity, rested, pancakes, waffles, eggs, etc.

7)  Eddie Bauer- I am going to keep Eddie Bauer on the list, but I am running into "the EB effect".  Basically, you buy some Eddie Bauer shirts and you have to keep wearing them year after year because they are high quality, but you become a little tired of the designs.

8)  Pizza- What can I say?  I fucking love pizza.  It tastes so damn good.  You eat it with your hands.  This is not a ranked list, but if it were, would pizza be number 1?

9)  The co-commissioner of my dynasty fantasy baseball league- Sometimes very tough decisions regarding ownership of minor league players need to be made.  And what the hell do we do if a Cuban defects and is signed?  Who has the rights?  Thankfully, it all gets sorted out, year after year.

10) Documentaries about exonerated people on Netflix- This is a tricky one, because in order for there to be documentaries about wrongfully imprisoned people on Netflix, there have to be wrongfully imprisoned people.  So, let's be clear, I am thankful for the docs, and #notthankful that people spend years in prison for crimes they did not commit.

11) Drinking beer while watching sports on tv

12) Drinking beer at live sporting events

13) Drinking beer while listening to recorded music

14) Drinking beer at concerts

15) Seasonal beers- Imagine the saying "you don't know what you got until it's gone", BUT THEN IT COMES BACK NEXT YEAR.

Just a few more months...

16) Friends- My comrades, not the TV show

17) Friends- The TV Show- I do not watch the reruns, but enjoyed the show when it was on.  This probably should not be on the list.

18) The Sauna at the Y- You got a little cold? SAUNA.  Muscles sore? SAUNA.  Need to brainstorm? SAUNA. Need to sweat out some toxins? SAUNA. Want to be put in an awkward situation when a random older nude man walks in and sits next to you? Never-mind, scratch the last one.

19)  My Miguel Cabrera wastepaper basket:

20)  My dad's record collection- This is the gift that keeps on giving.  I decide one day I want to start playing records for Crosby so that she can be musically on point.  So my dad gives me a record player.  Then he gives me some records.  Then he gives me some more records.  Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Seger, The Beatles (man, there are so many great musical artists whose name starts with B), so many classics for Crosby to hear.  Although now I am suspecting a ploy of sorts: "yeah why don't you bring Crosby over and we can go through some more records".  My mom is getting into it too, she even offered up Frampton Comes Alive.  Notice that did not make the list.

Gobble, gobble Bruhs and Bruhettes 

   

The Cologne XCHANGE that wasn't

I had the best idea.  Some bros get together and exchange various selections from their respected cologne collections.  Do you want some Polo Blue sprays for a special night?  No problem.  Just send your fellow Cologne XCHANGE member your bottle of Drakkar Noir.  Job interview?  Get some Cool Water from an XCHANGE buddy.  And the best part?  He has some fresh Lacoste for his hot first date!  LOOK OUT LADIES!

Imagine the possibilities

What could go wrong?  Well, everything.  What if a member is a heavy sprayer?  You send a 4.8 oz bottle and only get back 3 ounces.  And what about quality?  If I am sending you some Hugo Boss and all you have to offer is Stetson, then I may as well jump off of a cliff.  The fatal blow to my plan was the thought that someone may bring a imitation to the exchange,  I just can't.  Some dreams aren't meant to be.

Top 10 Players in the NBA / Top 10 "Cheap American Beers" (#4)

Over a year ago I set forth on a difficult, some would say impossible, journey.  I decided to concurrently rank the ten best current NBA players and ten best "Cheap American Beers". Unfortunately, "life happens" and my quest was delayed, but I never forgot how important these rankings are to so many.  Since the ranking hiatus I have had AT LEAST two people ask me when I was going to name the last four players/beers (thanks guys, it takes a village).

So here we are.  Obviously, if I were to re-rank today, some guys/brews may move up/down or in/out based on the last 15 months.  But I am not going to re-rank.  First, I recommend you catch up to see where we are and understand where we are going.

Catch Up:

#10 Click Here

#9  Click Here

#8  Click Here

#7  Click Here

#6  Click Here

#5  Click Here

#4 Kobe Bryant & Dwayne Wade/ Miller Lite

Photo Courtesy of http://6.kicksonfire.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Wade-and-Bryant-cover.jpg

Yes.  I am combining two guys into one.  If these guy's bodies hold up they are both still this good.  If you want to beat your head against the wall just look at some of the guys ranked ahead of these two on ESPN's NBA 500: Demar DeRozen. Goran Dragic and Paul Millsap just to name a few.  If these guys are so good and better than champions like D Wade and Kobe THEN WHY DON'T THEIR TEAMS EVER WIN ANY FUCKING GAMES?

Photo courtesy of onmilwaukee.com

Miller Lite is a lot like D Wade and Kobe: been there, done that, and dominated.  Millet Lite tastes good, feels good and just might be the perfect daytime domestic/recovery/football Sunday brew.  Plus, it is now in old school cans and give mellenials a drunken connection to their fathers.

Hypocrisy & Double Standards in the Jameis Winston Saga

There may not be a better example of the pathetic state of college football's administration and its portrayal in the media than the ongoing situation with Jameis Winston.  It is looking more and more likely that any potential long-term suspension or dismissal from the team will be the result of Winston profiting from his signature (something 99% of college students can do without repercussions) as opposed to being accused of a sexual assault in which the school and police department botched the investigation.  Now, this article is not about Winston's innocence or guilt, but rather it is about an unfair and asinine process in which extremely biased administrators arbitrarily dole out punishment without any thought to anyone except themselves.  And except for a few rare instances, major sports media either outright defends or ignores this flawed process.

Photo Courtesy of ABCnews

Rewind to 2013.  Late in Winston's Heisman/National Championship season, the state attorney announceed an investigation into sexual assault allegations that were made against almost a year earlier.  It quickly comes out that the initial investigation was "open/inactive".  Almost instantaneously fans and media alike start the chorus: "due process!", "let the criminal justice system play out", and "you can't suspend him until he is found guilty".  Obviously, it seems, when it comes to allegations of sexual assault, due process and guilt beyond a reasonable doubt are important to fans, administrators, and commenters alike.  And we know how this portion of the story goes: Winston and the Seminoles win the national championship and Winston takes home the Heisman after the Tallahassee DA (with some light-hearted chuckling) announces that charges will not be filed.

Now, lets juxtapose the sexual assault allegations with Winston's most recent snafus.  Winston was suspended for a game for shouting a vulgar phrase popularized on the internet after the World Cup.  That's right, Winston was suspended a game for saying something millions of other people have said.  Where is due process now?  What about Winston's freedom of speech or the arbitrary nature of punishing only him for saying something many others have said?  Better yet, what about letting the criminal justice system play out before suspending him?  Shouting something vulgar is not even a crime.  Yet, Winston is suspended a game anyway and the media, for the most part, thinks it was the "right thing to do".

Currently, Winston is in hot water for possibly profiting from signing some memorabilia.  Hopefully, all readers have come to understand just how grossly unfair this rule is to begin with.  But in what can only be described as insanely hypocritical, the NCAA is now investigating these allegations and are likely to rule Winston ineligible if they are able to substantiate the claims.  Once again: not a crime (not even close), no due process, and no guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.  The key difference, it appears, is that the NCAA feels Winston's actions affect their interests in maintaining their amateurism rules.

The hypocrisy and double standards in the Jameis Winston situation are abundant.  Winston is afforded all the benefit of the doubt in the world when it comes to allegations of sexual assault.  However, when Florida State's or the NCAA's public image come into play then Winston is singled out and made an example of.  In sum, being accused of sexual assault results in no discipline, saying something vulgar warrants a one game suspension, and getting money to sign memorabilia may result in ineligibility.  

A Day With Dad: A guest blog by Crosby Jane Proctor

This week starts a new semester for dad at school, which means that one day a week I stay home from school and hang out with him (Nana gets a day too).  Apparently paying someone else to care for me is expensive (?).  Anyway, this semester he picked Tuesday, last semester I stayed home on Fridays...there goes my three day weekend.  Today I have decided to share with you what a typical day kicking it with just dad is like.

First and foremost, I am dressed in some type of clothing representing one of his favorite sports teams.  Today it is the Tigers.  Of course, we aren't going to a Tigers game, they do not even play until 7:10 (10 minutes past my bedtime), and even if I were awake, I would not be allowed to watch TV.  Nonetheless this is what I am wearing:

After getting dressed, we read one of my favorite books: "Wild Animals"...

Next is "breakfast with the Killers" (not my idea)...

Sorry dad, I would help clean up but I have to play some more and then take a nap...

After an hour and half nap, it was time to enjoy the day with my big-headed brother...

WHEW!  Those walks can take a lot out of you.  I need to hydrate...

And refuel...

Dad called it a "fiesta", it was really leftover Mexican food.

Now I am full of energy...

Not pictured:  I almost knocked over a framed Dali print!

Now I am not...

Up and at em', it is time to listen to some Bruce (not my idea) and play in dad's office...

In the process of achieving my goal of removing every toy from the bin

Well, hanging out with dad all day has been fun and all, but MOM IS HOME!

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@tree get outta here

I love trees in general, but there is a certain tree I loathe:

Fuck this tree.

This gigantic, worthless tree is in our backyard.  Before we agreed to purchase our home, we had the previous owner cut off some of the large branches that loomed over our house.  However, this was not enough.  Twice in 2014 we have had huge branches fall from this tree during storms.  The losses?  My jeep, a gate/section of fence, roof damage, gutters destroyed (x2), a picnic table, a cracked kitchen ceiling, three insurance deductibles, and last but not least, our premium and deductibles have both been raised. 

Oh don't worry I got another car: a 2002 gold Taurus

Most recently the tree decided it was time to hit the neglected front half of the house:

You would think the insurance company realized that removing the tree would help prevent them from writing check after check for damage that is causes.  But of course, using logic that makes you want to beat your head against the wall, the insurance company said its policy is to wait until the tree falls on its own, which could cause tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage or kill someone, as opposed to paying to have the tree removed before it falls.  THIS TREE SUCKS.  

Bonus shitty stuff about this tree:

1)  It does not lose all of its massive amount of leaves until early December, so it is inevitable that the yard is covered in leaves for the majority of the winter.

2)  In the spring it loses thousands and thousands of what I call "helicopters".  They get stuck on the roof and cover the entire ground.  THIS TREE SUCKS

Well, maybe I should say this tress sucked.  That's right, this tree is no more.  I summoned the quality dudes from T's Tree to come out and do a number on  it.  Here are the results:

*MANIACAL LAUGH*  

No match for T's Trees

Good riddance